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    Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides
    Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides
    Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides
    Ebook97 pages1 hourMisguided Guides

    Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides

    By Clare Chu

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    About this ebook

    Welcome to the shadowy world where your cat's cuddle might just be a reconnaissance mission. Here, each purr is suspect, every gift a warning, and the innocent act of sleeping on your keyboard? A strategic move in the silent battle for dominance. This isn't just another day in your cozy, cat-dominated household—it's an insight into the cunning mind behind those whiskers.

    Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.

    Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It's a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and remember: it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGigaverse Press
    Release dateMar 22, 2024
    ISBN9798224989997
    Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual: Misguided Guides
    Author

    Clare Chu

    Clare Chu hacked code in ye olde days of the mainframes, and now the code's hacking her as she weaves words of questionable wisdom and side-splitting sass. Her writing? Think fairy tales on steroids, myths meeting modernity, and the unexplained becoming eerily relatable. From self-help books that'll guarantee you more misadventures than life hacks to her tech-tangled farcical tales, she's your cheerful, if slightly zany, guide with a wink and a snarky grin.

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      Book preview

      Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You - Clare Chu

      Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You

      Also by Clare Chu

      Misguided Guides

      Sleep and Grow Rich: Forty Winks to Fortune

      Sit, Stay, Heel: Training Your Boyfriend Like a Pro

      A Homebuyer’s Guide to Haunted Living: Finding Your Dream Home Among the Spirits

      Swiping Wrong: Online Dating for Zeros

      Time-Travel Therapy: The Ultimate Do-Over

      Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual

      Supervillain Success Secrets: A Devious Diva's Playbook

      The Hoarder's Guide to Decluttering: Tidying Up With Magical Results

      Faux Pas Fame: Building a Brand with Bloopers

      Standalone

      Embracing Grace: Speaking Life Through God’s Word

      Bible Verses for Healing: God’s Promises for Health and Wholeness

      Watch for more at Clare Chu’s site.

      WHY YOUR CAT IS PLOTTING TO KILL YOU

      A PARANOID PET OWNER’S MANUAL

      MISGUIDED GUIDES

      CLARE CHU

      Gigaverse Press

      Copyright © 2024 by Clare Chu

      All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

      The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or natural persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

      All trademarks belong to their respective holders and are used without permission under trademark fair use.

      Find out more at: https://rachelleayala.net/clare-chu

      CONTENTS

      1. Introduction

      The Great Feline Conspiracy & Understanding Your Overlord

      2. Reading the Signs

      Footnotes

      3. Territorial Takeovers

      4. Training the Human

      5. The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors

      6. In Case of Emergency

      Feline First Aid

      Catastrophe Management

      Maintain Perspective

      7. Psychological Warfare

      8. Protecting Yourself from Feline Assassination Attempts

      Booby-Trapping Your Home Against Cat Attacks

      Wearing Protective Gear to Avoid Scratches and Bites

      Training in Feline Self-Defense Techniques

      9. Negotiating a Truce with Your Feline Overlord

      Truce Training

      Love the Beast

      10. Conclusion: The Purrfect Bond

      Excerpt - Swiping Wrong: Online Dating for Zeros

      Excerpt - Festival of Masks

      About the Author

      More from Clare Chu

      DESCRIPTION

      Welcome to the shadowy world where your cat’s cuddle might just be a reconnaissance mission. Here, each purr is suspect, every gift a warning, and the innocent act of sleeping on your keyboard? A strategic move in the silent battle for dominance. This isn’t just another day in your cozy, cat-dominated household—it’s an insight into the cunning mind behind those whiskers.

      Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.

      Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It’s a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and remember: it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.

      Disclaimer:

      This book is intended for entertainment purposes only and is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

      The advice and scenarios depicted within these pages are exaggerated and humorously paranoid interpretations of everyday cat behaviors and the human response to them. They should not be considered serious guidance for pet care or human behavior. While the bond between cats and their humans is very real, the conspiracies, plots, and so-called feline assassination attempts described here are purely products of the author's playful imagination.

      For actual advice on cat care, behavior, or any concerns about your pet, please consult a professional veterinarian or a qualified pet behaviorist. Remember, each cat is an individual, and what works for one may not work for another. Love and understand your feline friends for who they are, and enjoy the laughter and joy they bring into your life.

      CHAPTER 1

      INTRODUCTION

      THE GREAT FELINE CONSPIRACY & UNDERSTANDING YOUR OVERLORD

      It started like any other morning. I arose to the blaring of my alarm clock, smacked it into submission, and stumbled to the bathroom to begin my daily routine. As I brushed the crust from my eyes and tamed my unruly bedhead, I caught a glimpse of two yellow eyes peering around the doorway, watching me intently.

      In my pre-coffee haze, I paid little mind to my observer, assuming it was just my cat Pumpkin looking for breakfast as usual. But as I shuffled into the kitchen, I felt the weight of his gaze following me. I poured my cereal, and there he sat, perched on the kitchen table, staring unblinkingly as I shoveled each spoonful into my mouth.

      Something in his studious observation struck me as peculiar. The way his eyes tracked my every move. The purposeful flicks of his tail. I lowered my spoon, mouth still full of half-chewed cereal, and met his gaze.

      What’s your deal this morning? I mumbled through a mouthful.

      He continued staring, slowly blinking his large, luminous eyes. I stared back, waiting for him to break the standoff. But he did not waver. The intensity of his focus became unsettling. It was as if he was studying my behavior, gathering intel on my morning routine for some shadowy purpose I could not discern.

      A chill went down my spine. I was no longer looking at Pumpkin, my dopey, food-obsessed furball. I was locked in a battle of wills with a miniature lion sent to infiltrate my home and bring me under submission.

      You see, dear reader, after that morning, the blinders came off. For years, I lived in ignorance,

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