To My Hero: A Blog of Our Journey Together

Danielle Sibarium

To My Hero: A Blog of Our Journey Together

First printing, 2013

Copyright © 2013 by Danielle Sibarium

Cover art copyright © by Andrew Gioulis

Cover photograph copyright © by Andrew Gioulis

Book design by Andrew Gioulis

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the publisher.

The persons and events portrayed in this work of fiction are the creations of the author, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Published by: KFR Communications, LLC

148 Hawkin Rd

New Egypt, NJ 08533

Publisher’s Note: The author and publisher have taken care in preparation

of this book but make no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and

assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for

incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of

the use of the information contained herein.

ISBN-13: 978-1939406040

ISBN-10: 1939406048

Printed in the United States of America

www.kfrcommunications.com

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Dedication

This book is for all the girls that know or have suffered anything from

Carly’s story. For all of the nameless faces and silent voices we pass in

our daily lives that carry the pain of rape and/or abuse. So many of you

have suffered in silence, I want you to know, you are not alone.

Acknowledgments

As always I’d like to extend a huge thank you to my husband, Alex. Your love and support makes anything possible. To Karen F. Riley for all her encouragement and support through the years, but especially on this project. Thank you to Grand Master Art Beins for an amazing self-defense class. I knew immediately how to put the information and skill training you

provided to work in this book. Thank you to Captain Jeffrey Morrell for answering all of my legal and procedural questions. Thank you to Dr. Matthew Alter for taking the time to answer my questions. Thank you to Fern Baudo for your support and advice.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: The Party ................................................................1

Chapter 2: New Year’s Eve .......................................................7

Chapter 3: I Can Explain .......................................................11

Chapter 4: Another Side of Will ...........................................15

Chapter 5: What Happened? .................................................21

Chapter 6: Safe Haven ...........................................................29

Chapter 7: Reality ..................................................................37

Chapter 8: Time to Face the Music .......................................41

Chapter 9: What More Could They Do? ...............................45

Chapter 10: Whispers ............................................................53

Chapter 11: Out on a Limb ...................................................61

Chapter 12: I Hate You ..........................................................67

Chapter 13: I Don’t Want to Be Me ......................................73

Chapter 14: Some Kind of Best Friend ..................................79

Chapter 15: An Unexpected Ally ...........................................85

Chapter 16: A New Beginning ..............................................89

Chapter 17: Back to Reality ...................................................99

Chapter 18: Ultimatums ......................................................105

Chapter 19: The Lamplight ..................................................113

Chapter 20: Your Mother .....................................................119

Chapter 21: Just the Two of Us ............................................123

Chapter 22: Confessions ......................................................133

Chapter 23: Training ............................................................147

Chapter 24: Confrontations .................................................153

Chapter 25: Homeward Bound ............................................161

Chapter 26: Graduation .......................................................165

Chapter 27: Second Impressions ..........................................173

Chapter 28: Alone Time ......................................................177

Chapter 29: All Good Things Must Come to an End .........185

Chapter 30: Lies Come to Light ..........................................189

Chapter 31: An Unwelcome Guest ......................................201

Chapter 32: Out of the Darkness .........................................209

Chapter 33: Memories .........................................................219

Chapter 34: A Late Night Visit ...........................................223

Chapter 35: Confessions ......................................................231

Chapter 36: Tying it All Together ........................................237

Chapter 36: Comment .........................................................239

Chapter 1

The Party

It would’ve been different if I had courage, even an ounce of it. But I was a coward from the day I met you, Ryan Crowley. I still am. In the end it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is the same. It’s my fault.

After walking past the ringlets of cigarette smoke outside and into the house, the smell of alcohol hit me hard, like someone used a spray can to scent the air. I needed a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. The beat of the music came alive inside me, like a second heartbeat.

The house teemed with people, laughing, dancing, and hooking up. Red cups filled with beer, and other alcoholic drinks, were in every hand.

I'm going to go blend, Marianne shouted in my ear. I looked behind me to find her already on the prowl, lost in the ocean of people.

My eyes zeroed in on you. Out of everyone there, you were the first person I spotted. My heart raced in response. Seeing you there unnerved me more than I'd care to admit. As usual, I pulled my eyes away so you wouldn’t catch me staring.

Seeing you shouldn't have surprised me. Of course you were there. Everyone from Woodbridge High School was at Will’s party. He wanted it to be epic, the exclamation point on our high school career; four long, fabulous years. 

*

We met on the first day of high school. I entered homeroom, hoping to find a familiar face, but as I walked through the door, I saw only one face, yours. Laughing like you ruled the world, you sat backwards on top of your desk facing the entrance to the room rather than the board, your dirty blonde hair fell into your eyes. You launched a paper airplane that fell at my feet.

I would have bet my dog you threw it at me on purpose. Taking a deep breath I looked up, ready to lecture you about how lame and immature you were. Our eyes met and I froze. My heart skipped to beat in rhythm with yours. It’s been pulsating on that frequency ever since.

Sorry, you said, a slight smirk playing at the corners of your mouth as you hopped off the desk and sauntered over. I watched you bend down in front of me, your eyes never leaving mine, to retrieve your awe-inspiring creation. I saw my buddy in the hall. I thought he was coming in, you explained.

I nodded, unable to find my voice.

You smiled, your blue eyes twinkling. And I was hooked.

*

Hey beautiful, Will said, sliding an arm around my waist, pulling my attention from you to him. I only hoped he didn't follow my gaze. You’re late.

Just a little, I smiled hoping to ease the tension I felt oozing off his body. Marianne drove. You know her, I rolled my eyes. It’s all about appearances. I had no choice but to be fashionably late.

There’s fashionably late, and then there’s this, he sounded annoyed. I thought you weren’t going to show. He pressed his lips hard against mine. I tasted remnants of the alcohol he’d already consumed.

I wouldn't miss it.

Good, he smiled, his eyes falling from my face to my chest. You staying over tonight?

I don't know . . .

With a roll of his eyes he shoved a bottle of vodka at me. Catch up. He ordered then headed back in the direction of the bar.

I placed my lips around the bottle’s rim, brought my head back, and chugged. I took too much into my mouth. My first instinct, was to spit it out on the floor. I fought the urge and swallowed hard. I hated the taste, the burning sensation as it travelled from my mouth, down my throat, and into my stomach. It was a trade-off, feel like I’m drinking poison in exchange for the light headed, carefree buzz the alcohol promised.

The last major party of the school year, it was supposed to last all night. Will’s parents were across the country. His father owned a chain of clothing stores, Langdon’s Clothiers, and traveled two weeks out of every month. In an attempt to save their marriage from what looked like an inevitable divorce, Will’s mother decided to go with him. We had the house to ourselves to party hard.

So, you’re still with Mr. Wonderful. 

I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt a burst of adrenaline shoot through my body. I spun around and stared speechless for a nanosecond as I looked into your deep, blue eyes. I'd never seen eyes like yours, so striking and intense. Like a deer caught in headlights, I couldn’t fight the power you held over me.

It had been months since we’d spoken and here you stood in front of me, looking as good as ever, like nothing ever happened. You smiled, showing off your deep dimples and softening the look of your strong square jaw. I swallowed hard before throwing my arms around you.

Being that close to you, feeling the warmth of your body, inhaling the spicy cedar scent that hung on your clothes; there wasn't anything better. Maybe I could think of a few things, but they all involved you and me, flesh pressed against flesh, and I wanted to keep my thoughts G rated. I lingered in the embrace a moment too long, enjoying the warmth and feel of your body. I hoped no one noticed.

What are you doing here? I asked, over the loud music. I thought you hate Will.

I do, you smirked, But Lanie wanted to come. I followed the trail of your eyes back toward a small group in the corner from where you came, all the way to Lanie Millano, captain of the cheerleading squad. She embodied everything from All American good looks with her blonde hair and perfect body, to school spirit.

Every time I thought of her I felt a twinge of envy. I couldn’t find one flaw in Lanie, hard as I tried, and boy did I try. I hated her. I especially hated how perfect she looked with you. You made the perfect couple.

And I knew I'd get to see you. Your voice was heavy with emotion, your eyes burned into mine.

I forgot about Lanie. Forgot all about Will. Forgot everything, but you. 

When I didn’t respond, unable to utter a word, you filled the empty space, "I just wanted to say hi. Unless he has a problem with that." 

It had been a long time since we spoke. Much too long. I'd given up hope that you'd want to talk to me again. And finally, there you were, in front of me. I had a golden opportunity. But first, I had to think of something to say.

So, you and Lanie huh? You guys looked amazing at the prom.

Thanks, you looked away, uncomfortable. She's probably too good for me. You smiled, flashing your dimples, Like you and what’s his face.

What do you have against Will anyway? I knew I shouldn’t have asked, the words flittered passed my lips as if I didn’t have a filter on my brain, but I said it, and I could do nothing about it. Maybe subconsciously I just wanted to hear one last time you still had a lingering interest in me.

Your lips drew up into a resigned smile, You chose him over me.

I dropped my eyes to the ground feeling awful, like the Grinch, when he realized what a horrible thing he did stealing Christmas. 

Hey, you attempted to lighten the mood, It’s all good. We’re both happy, right?

Something in the way you asked didn't have me totally convinced you were happy.

I felt I needed to say something in my defense. It’s not like you were sitting around waiting for me. 

Because that would’ve made a difference, I caught a trace of bitterness in your voice and it put me on the defensive.

Maybe.

I don’t know why I said it, what did I expect you to do? Even as you stood there in silence I couldn't help but wonder, did it spark a light of hope for you, for us, or was anger still the main emotion you felt toward me? These thoughts raced through my mind as I took another long swig of vodka.

Chapter 2

New Year’s Eve

What are your plans for New Year’s? you asked as I gathered my books.

I looked up at you, leaning against the locker next to mine, getting lost in the depths of your eyes. They were deep and endless, like a bottomless pool that you long to dive in, finding once you've entered, there's no way back to the surface.  

I had no plans for New Years. Most likely I’d be sitting at home watching hoards of people freezing their asses off in Times Square. But I couldn’t let you know that, I couldn't appear too eager. You might get the wrong idea, that I was desperate not to ring in the New Year alone, when in truth, I was just desperate for you.

I shrugged, I’m not sure.

I’ll be back from the ski trip the night before New Year’s Eve, you looked down at me in that way you have that makes my mind go blank, and stopped speaking until I met your stare. When I did, I felt tiny bumps cover my skin even though I wasn’t cold. Just a look from you could make me shiver. And I was thinking, maybe we can go to Dave's party together? 

My heart picked up speed and my mouth went dry. I could think of nothing better than being with you as the ball dropped. I could see the scene play out in my head, you'd look at me, and I’d get lost in your eyes. As the countdown came down to the final seconds, you'd inch closer, moving so slow I wouldn't be sure you were doing it. And then I'd notice your lips only inches away from mine. I'd lean forward and at the exact moment of the New Year we’d kiss.

I didn’t want you to know that just thinking about it made my temperature rise, and I used every ounce of self-control not to jump at your invitation the moment it came out of your mouth. I tried to play it cool, keep it together. We’ll see, give me a call, I turned away. I could focus, lie, speak, whatever, so much better when I wasn’t looking in your eyes.

Hey, You said, your voice deep and seductive, as you inched closer to me, the right side of your chest against the left side of my back, your hand on my waist. You leaned forward, and whispered, your breath tickling my ear, I really, really want to spend New Year’s Eve together.

Back to that state of pleasure paralysis where my brain temporarily shut down, I didn’t move. Instead I let out a long exaggerated exhale. You pressed your lips against my cheek, I thought I might never wash my face again as I watched you walk away.

I didn’t know then, as school was letting out for winter recess, that my parents made plans for New Year’s Eve. I had no clue those plans included me accompanying them to a party at one of my father’s biggest client’s homes. I tried to bargain and argue, I’d make a deal with the devil to spend New Year’s with you, but even he wasn’t biting. I had no way out.

I heard the disappointment in your voice when I told you I couldn't see you. You were quiet and lacked your normal enthusiasm. But you said you understood.

My parents made me change three times because I didn’t look festive enough. I ended up wearing a black sweater dress and high heeled boots that came up past the knee. The very outfit I bought to wear on my first date with you.

On the fifteen minute drive over, my parents lectured me about how important this account was to my father’s advertising business, and how we all needed to make a good impression on the Langdons. My mother made sure to mention at least three times, that Mr. Langdon’s son William also had to sacrifice a night of partying with his friends to entertain me.  

I recognized Will right away. I’d seen him around school. I didn’t know him by name since we never had a class together, but I knew he was okay. He wasn’t a trouble maker, didn’t get into a lot of fights, like you. Fighting seemed to be your Friday night special. But guys didn’t feel they had to best him like they did with you. Mostly what I knew about Will Langdon was that he was more of a loner than anything else.

We spoke a little after we were introduced, about school and teachers while our mothers got acquainted. I noticed through dinner he’d interject a witty one-liner here and there, otherwise he was quite. Except when he took the time to make bored faces or roll his eyes to make me laugh as our parents droned on telling stories they thought we should be interested in.

I found myself having fun. It wasn’t quite the Chinese water torture I anticipated, but still I wished I was with you. The closer it got to midnight the more space in my mind you occupied.

At eleven fifty-six, while the adults refilled their champagne glasses one last time before the ball dropped, I disappeared into the kitchen. I planned to text you at midnight. Not even a minute passed when Will came in after me, hugging three empty champagne bottles

There you are! Will’s eyes lit as he smiled.

I didn’t know you were looking for me. Back in my bag went my phone. I wonder how different things would have been if I texted you as planned.

Will placed the bottles on the granite counter top. With speed and agility he reached into a cabinet and pulled from it two champagne flutes. One bottle still had enough champagne to fill both glasses.

So I’ve noticed you hanging around school with Ryan Crowley. His comment caught me off guard. I didn't expect he'd been watching me. You guys dating?

My pulse raced at the mention of your name, but I shook my head and dropped my gaze. I didn’t want to get into the whole dance we'd been doing for the last few years, you flirting incessantly, me running off scared, both of us dating other people. Timing was always an issue, until now. This was supposed to be our time, starting with this night.

No. We’re not.

Good.

With a devilish grin, he handed one glass to me, keeping his fingers gripped tight around the other. 

I don’t think I should, my parents will freak if I drink.

Will snickered, They won’t notice. They’re having too much fun. Besides, that’s why I cleared the bottles for them. This way no one has a reason to come in here. C’mon, don’t let me drink alone.

I put the glass to my lips and took a tiny sip. At the same time, Will threw his head back and downed the glass in one shot. Thinking I’d be less likely to get caught, I followed his lead.

Voices from the other room, along with the television, came carrying into the kitchen, Ten, nine, eight . . .

I’m really glad you’re here. He stepped closer to me. I couldn’t move. My back was against the edge of the counter. I had nowhere to go.

Seven, six, five . . .

Will stood right up against me. I could feel his breath on my face.

Four, three, two . . .

His arms were on either side of me holding the counter top. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t go anywhere, the whole scene happened so fast I had no time even to think.

One. Happy New Year. The instant I heard the cheers from the other room, was the same instant Will brought his lips down on mine and kissed me.

Chapter 3

I Can Explain

Will appeared next to me again. He draped his arm over my shoulder, Hey Crowley, he sneered, trying to steal my girl?

My face filled with color. I was mortified.

Wouldn’t think of it.

Your words were an ice pick to my heart. Only you and I knew how deep the truth of those words lie.

*

I knew you spent New Year’s Eve at your friend Dave's. He invited a bunch of people over, including me, but I would have felt funny going without you. We were supposed to be there together.

I spoke to you briefly on New Year’s Day, omitting the kiss I shared with Will. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. Instead I planned to tell you when we were face to face. Afraid you found someone else to celebrate the New Year with, I didn't want to hear details about Dave's party either; not until I could look into your eyes and make sure nothing changed in the way you looked at me.

The next day at school I found you waiting at my locker. I felt my stomach tumble and swirl, a normal reaction when I saw you. You leaned against the locker next to mine with the same air of confidence you always carried.

My mouth went dry.

My nerves had me trembling. It wasn't the kind of fun nervous feeling I was used to when I was around you, I was afraid. I didn't know how to tell you, how to start that conversation. You bent down to kiss my cheek, and then I heard him. You did too. You straightened to your full height, and your head shot in his direction.

Will came scurrying over.

Hey Crowley, he said friendly enough, giving you a pat on the back, then he turned his attention to me. Will bent down and kissed me on the lips. Hey beautiful, I haven't stopped thinking about kissing you. I couldn't wait to do it again.

My face was so hot I thought it would blister. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing, be so presumptuous. I turned to you. Your eyes narrowed and blazed with anger. Your face