Losing Neverland

Chapter 1

Wendy

"There was never a simpler, happier family,

until the coming of Peter Pan."

Peter & Wendy

- J. M. Barrie

Ijump as thunder crashes outside the large Victorian window across the room. Rain pelts angrily against the glass. A bright flash of lightning illuminates the space, the accompanying thunder rumbles through the night filling the air with its raging growl. My body shivers. A tingling feeling starts at the base of my spine and immediately travels north, spreading across my skin in an all-knowing way I haven’t felt in years.

Someone’s here.

Another flash, another crash of thunder and I spin around quickly as a dark figure scurries across a different window on the left side of the room. My hand trembles as I grab the knob to the drawer of desk behind me. The one that keeps my letter opener, my only defense against the unknown tonight.

But is it really unknown when this foreign feeling is something I’ve wished for, dreamed of, obsessed about for years since the last time I felt it.

Since the last time I felt him.

I push the yearning, the wanting, the desire aside, replacing it with the rage that’s built since he’s been gone.

He’d never return. Never come back. It’s just my imagination.

Isn’t it?

Sweat breaks out across my skin as I worry my bottom lip between my teeth. Slowly, I pull the drawer behind me open as another flash of lightning illuminates the room. A crash of thunder sends me bouncing slightly to my right, shaking, trembling, before I can grasp the object I’m searching for. For a split second I make out the figure of a man standing in the dark corner across the room.

I stop what I'm doing. Time stands still.

It wasn’t just my imagination, someone is here.

And It’s not just someone, not just anyone.

Turning around quickly, I frantically search the drawer as I hear the spark of a match. My heart rate spikes. My breathing becomes rapid, shaky. My palms sweat as I toss aside paper, letters, scraps of notes I haven’t bothered to look at in years. The smell of tobacco is strong as boot steps echo through the room behind me. The sound is oddly disturbingly louder than the storm raging outside as it pounds in my ears. My hands search faster. Left to right, front to back, all around the inside of the drawer, but it’s no use.

It was never any use fighting the inevitable.

Fighting him.

Finally, my fingers brush across cold metal. I tighten my grip on the make-shift weapon just as an arm snakes around my waist, a hand reaches up tightening against my throat, and the letter opener slips through my fingertips.

He pulls me back tight against his chest as I hear my only defense clatter to the floor. I gasp for air, but it doesn’t come fast enough. He tightens his palm letting me know who is in control — who was always in control - before loosening his grip ever so slightly and pulling me closer against his firm frame.

He steps back swiftly, making my feet stumble as I try to match his large strides. Just as I start to tumble, just as I swear I am about to fall, his strong grip around my waist keeps me upright, keeps me grounded, anchored to a fate I hate to admit I always dreamed I’d one day meet.

I try my best to fight the war of conflicting emotions inside me. The heartache, happiness, despair. I claw at his hands desperately, attempting to break free and then feel his light chuckle feather across my neck.

Darling, he breathes into my ear, my skin instantly tingles from the sound of his voice after so many years. You always were a hard one to fucking tame.

The sound of his voice paralyzes me.

I stop fighting.

He loosens the grip on my waist. Bringing his smoke up to his mouth, he takes a long drag.

I don’t move. Don’t speak. I couldn’t even if I tried. 

With ease, he hooks me to him. The hold he has around my neck is strong, crippling, as he takes another inhale of his smoke. I wait in sweet agony, desperate to hear his voice say my name one more time.

Please. That’s all I want after all the years. After all the time he’s forced us to be apart. Just to hear my name one more time fall from his sinful lips.

I feel the fast rhythm of his heart against my back as it beats furiously in pace with mine. My body trembles. I swear I feel his strong grip slightly shake. My eyes widen as he anchors me to him, until there is no way we could get any closer, except one. His arousal is evident as he presses it against my ass. A low groan escapes his lips.

That sound. The knowledge of what I do to him shakes me when it shouldn’t, makes me weak in the knees. I try to force all thoughts of desire aside, but it’s almost impossible after how long I’ve yearned to be right back here again. In his arms. Surrounded by his smell. Engulfed in his touch. I’m melting into him more and more by the second, unable to hold onto any logic that could stop me from falling for him again after all he put me through.

After a moment, he slowly exhales a cloud of smoke, then tosses the butt of his cigarette to the floor. Spinning me around in his arms, my eyes meet his for the first time in decades and my breath catches in my throat.

It’s been a long time, Darling, he seethes.

His eyes search mine, a darkness I don’t remember clouds them. My heart speeds up in fear. My mouth feels dry. I know my voice will be weak if I try to speak, so I wait. I wet my lips, trying to remain calm. The second I do, his eyes flash to my mouth. When he looks back up, the darkness in his gaze turns completely black. His eyes widen, his nostrils flare, and he harshly backs me up against the dresser.

Instinct kicks in, I push back, fight him when I know there is no use. His low laugh spurs me on as I shove against him harder. Stronger than ever before. After a minute of attempting to wrestle out of his hold, both his hands wrap around my neck, and he yanks me into the air. Anticipating, I jump and wrap my legs around his waist, and my palm smacks quickly across his strong jaw. Before I have time to register what I’ve just done, his grip around my throat tightens and he slams my body back into the furniture behind me.

I don’t back down. Staring back into his evil glare, I somehow, finally manage to conjure up all the hatred inside and claw at his face. His eyes flare, but the darkness in them clears for just a moment, before his grip on my neck tightens further.

I came for what you stole, Wendy, his voice feathers against my lips as he loosens his grip ever so slightly on my throat. I’ve been waiting a long time, and I’m not a patient man. Give it back, and maybe, I won’t take what you hold most dear.

His eyes flash to the picture frame behind me on the dresser. It’s the one of my daughters. My twins. Jane and Margaret. The last one I took before they went off to college a week ago. Graduating early, they shocked everyone when they were accepted into an ivy league college at seventeen.

Seventeen.

The same age Peter and I were the first time he came to steal me away to Neverland.

It would be a shame, he taunts when I still don’t find the words to speak. With eyes still fixated on the frame, he releases a heavy sigh. Such pretty little things. They look just like their mother used to at their age. 

At that, I fight back harder than before. My hands come up and dig into his throat as I force his head back as far as I can. He releases his grip on me and pries my hands off him, forcing them behind my back and keeping them there in his strong grip.

He presses into me, the bulge in his slacks straining, harder and thicker than before, as he forces it harshly up my slit against my clit. I swallow hard, attempting to deny the sensation that instantly brings me such pleasure, and he grins. His eyes dance with a menacing mischief as he leans back slowly, then deliberately forces his length up my center again.

On instinct my eyes close and I desperately try to stifle a moan. His low laugh rings through the room a second later, making my eyes flash open to meet his in anger.

Never had someone fuck you like I can, isn’t that right Darling?

Fuck you, Peter, my unsteady voice rasps out.

His left hand reaches up, tightening around my throat again. Warning me. Testing me. But he doesn’t cut off my air supply, just stares me fiercely in the eyes, controlling my next words. My next breath. I force my hips forward, attempting to put some space between us, but all that does is force his cock where it doesn’t belong. Where I won’t ever let him put it again. I bite down on my bottom lip and he leans in smiling, testing me, taunting me to say that name again.

I was the only one who ever got away with calling him Peter. By the look in his eyes, I’d say that freedom is no longer mine. The years we’ve been separated have been unkind to him. Slowly, I back as far away as possible while he proceeds to cage me in, crushing me between him and the dresser.

I can see he’s fallen, given into his darkness, more than he ever has before.

He’s flung himself into the black cloud that always haunted him in the past. Hooked, I can see he’s addicted to the darkness that now consumes him. He’s stayed there, in his nightmares, the same way I’ve been living mine.

Jas Hook has a death grip on the only man I’ve ever loved, just like I always feared.

I know, because I’m the only person alive that knows the secret most don’t.

Peter & Hook?

They’re the same man.

Except, I see only one staring back at me now. The one that I always feared would win if the Peter I once knew allowed him in.

Years, I choke out when he doesn’t respond. Years you could’ve come back to me. Years we… Years that are lost.

His eyes hold mine. Cold. Detached. His palm shakes on my neck, giving me a break into the devil lurking inside him. He’s affected. He tries to hide it, but I swear I can see a little bit of the Peter I once knew hiding in the shadows of his eyes.

Why now? I demand. He searches my face, just as I search his. Time stretches in a torturous way while I wait for a response.

After a moment, he whispers with a wicked smile. I grew up lost, Darling. I wasn’t going to come for you before it was time. He gestures over my shoulder at the picture frame. One lost soul doesn’t justify making another.

My daughters. He stayed away because of them. I shiver as his grip on my neck loosens. His left hand falls to my hip just as his right raises between us, brushing lightly across my lips, almost tenderly. Somewhere deep inside, despite my better judgment, I feel my heart begin to ache.

We stand in silence a moment, the air thick between us while I attempt to study him more closely in the moonlight. He’s a boy who is so much more a man than any I have known since he’s been gone. He’s still the same yet somehow changed. His body is broader, built on muscle and strength. His jaw is stronger than I remember. His dark hair is longer, falling into his eyes, yet short on the sides. He’s forever seventeen. Forever ingrained in my heart, in my mind, the way he was when I first saw him. Still, something’s different. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but in a way, he’s changed.

It’s more than just the hook Jas has in him now. An alter ego he once liked to play around with when it suited him with the lost boys. He seems older. Hardened. Aged in a way simply growing up could never have changed anyone.

It’s something I fear has altered the boy I once knew in a way I will never understand. Never grasp. In a way that threatens both my future and what we once had.

As pathetic as it is, I’ve been holding onto hope all these years praying he’d one day come back for me. Staring into his eyes now, I fear I will never get the boy I once knew back.

The boy I once loved.

All of his light. His darkness. His good and his bad.

He had been forever seventeen long before I ever was. Long before he stole me away to Neverland when I was the same age as him. Long before I lost myself in him, fell in love with the myth before being discarded as if I meant nothing when a choice I had to make called me home.

Yes, I left, but he could’ve come with me. We could have still been happy.

When we both haven’t spoken for far too long, I inhale hope and release all fear as my gaze falls to his lips.

You’ve changed, I whisper, and another wicked smile tugs at his mouth. You’re not...

Listen to me, Darling. Listen close, he murmurs, his thumb caressing softly across my bottom lip.

With his eyes trained on my mouth, our chests rise and fall quickly. Our breathing syncs. The temptation between us shows to be just as strong as it’s always been, even after all these years. 

When you left, everything changed, he whispers.

His gaze rises and the look he gives me steals my breath away. The darkness has cleared, the light blue eyes I fell in love with almost two decades ago stare back at me.

Darkness is all I know now, his voice shakes. A darkness you made. One you created.

I try to argue but he stops me by placing a finger against my lips.

I can’t find it, he confesses, his voice trembling as demons surface in his eyes. It’s another slight break into the new man that’s holding me in his arms. A man that is still so much and yet so little the boy I fell in love with. I need you to help me find it.

Find what?

Do I have a choice? I blurt out.

Anger brews under my skin for all the years that have passed since I last saw him. As much as it hurts me to see him suffer, in his absence, I’ve suffered, too. Still, despite that, I want to help him, but I don’t have any clue what I’m getting myself into, especially since I have no idea what he lost.

What’s more, my world’s a mess since he’s been gone. Always has been, in fact. My memories of him, as well as the ones I’ve made with my daughters, are the only things that have gotten me through the past seventeen years. I forced myself to grow up without him, become a woman, no longer the little girl he once knew.

I can see he’s hurting, but I’ve been hurting, too.

As far as aging goes, I look much older than him now that I’m in my mid thirties. But in years, Peter was always much older than I was, even if he’s spent his whole life trying to deny it.

The longer I don’t submit to his demands, his eyes begin to cloud. A black, hollow gaze stares back at me and I know I’ve said something wrong.

You always had a choice, Darling, his voice rasps angrily. This time, let’s hope you make the right one.

He backs away so quickly I fall to my knees at his feet. He laughs, and I curse under my breath, embarrassed and hurt because the Peter I knew would never have let me fall like that. He also wouldn’t have stood by and watched as I lay broken, a shell of what I once was at anyone’s feet, especially his.

When I don’t rise right away, he takes a fist full of my hair and slowly pulls me to my feet.

I… I don’t know what you’re looking for, I stammer as I find my footing and square my shoulders, attempting to seem stronger than I feel before I dare to look him in the eye.

Yes, you do, he taunts, taking a step closer. He releases my hair and grabs my chin harshly in his palm. It started with you, and it will end with you. One way or another. Fight it, and it will only make it harder for both of us.

He grabs my arm and pulls me harshly to the window. There is no time to think. No time to decide. Before I can catch my next breath, he’s stepping up onto the bench seat. I watch wide eyed as he kicks at the glass. It shatters instantly into a million pieces around our feet.

Second star to the right, remember? He gestures out into the night, dropping my hand and staring deep into the eye of the storm.

The thunder crashes as rain blows through the shattered glass. I’m drenched instantly. Crossing my arms over my chest, I attempt modesty as my baby blue nightgown clings to me like a second skin, the fabric leaving nothing to the imagination.

Say ‘goodbye’ to what you made of your life here while you pushed what we had away. It’ll all be a dream come morning.

When he finally turns to look my way, I don’t miss the way his eyes flash with heat as they roam around the curves of my body. I’m filled out in ways I never was when I was seventeen. He notices instantly, and the look he gives me when his heated gaze finally lifts to meet mine makes my knees go weak.

My heart constricts as I stand before him torn. I can’t leave, abandon my life here. I can’t abandon my daughters.

I take a step back, which earns me a dark scowl. He reaches out and pulls me quickly to stand opposite him on the bench seat as the lightning flashes illuminating every curve of his haunted face. I see hurt, pain, a lost look he’s drowning in filling his eyes.

I thought you said I had a choice, my shaky voice pleads.

His hand snakes around the back of my neck as he pulls me into his chest. Glancing down at my lips, he smiles, And did you decide?

I take a look out at the storm. I glance quickly back inside my room. They're both the same. One, the darkness I’ve been living in. The other, a daunting threat of what’s always been inevitable.

Deep down inside, I guess I always knew one day he’d come back for me. One day, we’d be forced to finish what we started. My journey with him led me home once before. Maybe it will again. Maybe, this time, I won’t be forced to come back alone.

I glance up at him through the rain pelting against the side of my face. My lashes flutter as a gust of wind picks up, and thunder crashes angrily in the distance.

I don’t know what he’s looking for. What’s more, I’m not sure I can help him find what he’s lost. But I do know I’ve felt more alive in the last five minutes than in the past two decades we’ve spent apart.

I swallow over a lump in my throat. My right hand shakes as I wrap it around his waist. A grin pulls at his lips as I reach up with my other hand and do the same, locking my fingers behind his back like I did all those years ago.

His gaze roams the curve of my face before landing once again on my lips. A lightness sparkles in his eyes a moment later when they lift, once again, to find mine. The darkness is gone. Maybe I can help him find whatever it is he lost.

Before I have time to dwell on the idea too much longer, he holds his lips against mine, and whispers, Good girl.

Jolting us forward into the black of night, my body feels weightless as it slices through the air. Everything rushes me at once. The pain. The longing. The heartache. What we lost. Memories crash against me like the wind whipping dangerously against my body. Before I can tell Peter I changed my mind, before I can scream for Hook to take me back, suddenly everything fades to black.

Chapter 2

Hook

I’ll teach you how to jump on the wind’s back, and then away we’ll go.

Peter & Wendy

- J.M. Barrie

My teeth grind together as my head lightly sways side to side with the tide. I watch her frame wrestle in her sleep. In her darkness.

Our darkness.

The dream she’s having is relentless on letting her go.

Raising my glass to my lips, I let the rum burn as it slowly slips down the back of my throat while I continue watching. Waiting. Mesmerized and fucking terrorized knowing she’s once again by my side.

Wendy Darling, what the fuck am I going to do with you now?

You can stare at her all you like, never helped you before, it sure as shit isn’t going to help you now, John, Wendy’s younger brother, says from the shadows in the doorway.

I look up as he enters with a tray, regarding his sister with no more than an irritated shake of his head. He sets her meal down on the table beside the bed, pulls a pack of cigs from his pocket and lights up a smoke.

"Now, Smee, is that any way to welcome a guest back to the Jolly Roger?" My disturbed voice shocks me slightly when it grits out through clenched teeth as my eyes raise and catch his. He regards me with concern, to which I want to tell him he can fucking keep his pity. I will not be controlled by Wendy. Not a second time.

I set my glass down on my desk just as the boat rocks harshly against another wake. The wind and storm outside beat angrily against the glass window behind my head. Just like it did when I arrived in London and brought her back with me. It’s almost as if the whole of Neverland is revolting against having Wendy back on the island.

I look to the