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    Cat Wisdom for Humans
    Cat Wisdom for Humans
    Cat Wisdom for Humans
    Ebook204 pages22 minutes

    Cat Wisdom for Humans

    By Fiona L. Woods

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Ever wondered what cats think of their humans? Now's your chance to find out.

    Author Fiona L. Woods is owned by Panzer, the black cat. They live with Fiona's husband who's known to Panzer and his friends as What's His Name.

    Beginning in 2011, Panzer has taken control of the Cats and Crime blog. Since 2013 his command of the blog has extended to one day per week being exclusively his. There he imparts his cat wisdom to Fiona and all his human followers.

    At Panzer's urging, Fiona gathered together his most popular weekly dispensations of his gems of knowledge for inclusion in this book

    Chapters included in this book are:
    1. Panzer on Cattitude
    2. Panzer on the Proper Use of Time
    3. Panzer on Food
    4. Panzer on Training Your Human
    5. Panzer on Holidays
    6. Closing Words From Panzer

    These Panzerisms are meant to help you learn about your responsibilities to your cat owner.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherFiona L. Woods
    Release dateOct 19, 2015
    ISBN9781310473838
    Cat Wisdom for Humans
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    Author

    Fiona L. Woods

    I write the Lori Stockley, P.I., short stories and police Detective Matt Stockley murder mysteries. Like Lori Stockley, I like solving a good cat mystery. My past careers have included working as a bookkeeper, an insurance agent, a Notary Public, an administrative assistant, a jewelry designer, and a Social Media Information Technology Administrator. None of which were nearly as much fun as chronicling P.I. Lori Stockley and Panzer's adventures as evidenced by "Cats and Crime." I started writing in the second grade with a story about my horse named Booger. Yes, that really was his name and the teacher and my classmates couldn't stop laughing when I read it to the class. I was hooked on the joy of laughter and writing from then on. Now a fulltime freelance writer and cat herder, I've written a short story collection, two novellas and two novels.

    Read more from Fiona L. Woods

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      Book preview

      Cat Wisdom for Humans - Fiona L. Woods

      Fiona L. Woods is owned by Panzer, the black cat. They live with Fiona's husband who's known to Panzer and his friends as What's His Name.

      Beginning in 2011, Panzer took control of Fiona's Cats and Crime blog to the extent that one day per week was exclusively his. There he imparts his cat wisdom to Fiona and all his human followers.

      At Panzer's urging, Fiona gathered together his most popular weekly dispensations of his gems of knowledge for inclusion in this book.

      Introduction: The Panzerisms

      I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. by Hippolyte Taine (b. 1829; d. 1893), from brainyquote.com

      Here are 156 Panzerisms to help you learn about your responsibilities to your cat owner. You don't need to read them in order unless you wish. You can skip around and enjoy learning what your purpose is in the cat world.

      Chapter 1: Panzer On Cattitude

      Back to Top

      Panzer on the human misconception of their importance:

      I went to the vet today.

      She cleaned my ears.

      I can hear much better now.

      But that doesn't mean I'll do what you say.

      I'm still not listening.

      Panzer on the basic cat tenet:

      Cats don't behave badly because they have no rules.

      None ... Got it?

      Panzer on human indecisiveness:

      Mom is always saying be a good kitty.

      I wish she'd make up her mind.

      Which is it:

      good

      or

      kitty?

      Which do you want?

      Panzer on human misuse of language:

      Mom is always telling me to be a good kitty.

      I did that once.

      That was a wasted three minutes.

      Wasted ... wasted ... time.

      Panzer on thermodynamics:

      When you're traveling with Panzer, there are two things you have to understand:

      1) The second law of thermodynamics: for every positive action there is a negative reaction.

      2) Panzer's first law of diminishing kitty litter: when you run out of kitty litter, you've got big problems.

      You better hurry!

      Panzer on spiritual growth:

      The path to enlightenment is filled with things that taste bad.

      Putooeh!

      Panzer on empathy:

      You must open your heart to feel

      As you must open your eyes to see.

      Usually, I just jump on anything that moves and rip it apart.

      It takes practice.

      Panzer on cats and aquatics:

      A dry kitty is a happy kitty.

      A wet kitty, not so much.

      Bath? I'm not a happy kitty!

      Panzer on being old-fashioned:

      I must be a dinosaur because I live in a 3G world.

      G#1: Grrr

      G#2: Get down

      G#3: Good Kitty.

      I love my 3G world!

      Panzer on anger management:

      I will not claw the couch.

      I will not claw the couch.

      I will not claw the couch.

      But Mom didn't say anything about the arm

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