Happily Ever After--A Reality Check

Preface

Kelly and Laurie remember their mothers reading fairy tales to them as little girls. The fantastical stories told of princes saving princesses and living happily ever after in a gorgeous castle. But does this happen in real life? Hardly! It is rare to fall in love, marry, and live the fairy tale that misled us as children. This is the issue: when we expect a fairy tale, we are often shocked and bewildered when reality hits. That is why we feel it’s important to acknowledge the reality of your situation.

Laurie experienced many failed relationships often because of her poor choices and misguided belief that love was flowers and unicorns. She also watched as friends struggled with dating—having no realistic guideline to help with maneuvering through unhealthy perspectives.

Over two years ago, Kelly witnessed a close family member end an intimate relationship because of each partner’s conflicting values. She understood that when partners have conflicting values, it’s challenging to build a sound foundation of trust, understanding, and compromise. There was an ever-elusive ideal plaguing this couple (and likely many other couples), preventing them from moving forward together.

During an impromptu chat, Kelly and Laurie quipped about authoring a book to debunk the fairy tale notion of the perfect relationship by providing a reality check for couples. Thus, Happily Ever After—A Reality Check was born! Kelly and Laurie wanted to delve deeper into the concept of values and their influence on relationships and began exploring ways in which individuals can identify and align their values to foster healthier and more fulfilling connections.

Through their respective experiences, self-reflection, and research, Kelly and Laurie gained valuable insights into the vital roles open communication, empathy, and compromise play in navigating conflicting values within intimate relationships. We believe that by acknowledging and addressing diverse values, a couple can build a stronger and more rewarding partnership.

In her coaching practice, Kelly helps her clients find clarity in themselves and their relationships. Her specialty is supporting people through personal and work life transitions, including career change, and cultivating their sense of ‘enoughness’ in all aspects of their lives.

And Laurie has found her long-term partner (Dare she say soul mate? Yes!) and is living a happy and healthy relationship. Laurie uses her unique expertise in coaching and therapeutic art exercises to help you shift perspectives, break through barriers, and create a life filled with purpose, passion, and possibility!

We both acknowledge and promote the beauty of diverse couples, including those of different ages, genders, sexual orientations, capacities, and other variables. We also acknowledge our westernised, white, middle-class privilege and how this book may portray traditional heterosexual relationships. Our aim is to foster a dialogue that questions the expectations and stereotypes perpetuated by the Happily Ever After fairy tale.

There is a positive quality to fairy tales that inspires us to work through the challenges of relationships. While we may crave the control and predictability of a happily ever after, fairy tales aren’t passive occurrences that happen to us. Happiness does not depend on how the stars align to decide our fate. We possess the power to create the relationship we dream of. And this is the reality check.

Prelude

The Dating Game

Also Known as Twenty Questions

WTF has happened to dating? People used to court each other for months before committing. The first date was a prime opportunity to play twenty questions with your date to learn what made them tick. The twenty questions have sadly dwindled to: Hey, wanna hook up?

Society pushes us to be unwilling to delay gratification, whether eating, making money, buying items, or finding the right partner. The urge to own and experience everything quickly can lead to debt, ill health, or losing assets in a divorce. Once we get the things we want so badly, we sometimes discard them just as fast. Sometimes we are attracted to shiny new things, including dating partners. 

Some people enjoy serial dating and opt for the familiarity of monogamy. Others struggle with knowing when to end an unhealthy relationship and stay despite feeling unsatisfied. But one reality we often share is the desire for connection in an intimate relationship. We continue to strive for that, kissing loads of frogs along the way.

In the film Jerry Maguire (Crowe, 1996, 2:08:23) Jerry (Tom Cruise) tells Dorothy (Renée Zellweger), You complete me. Although we may melt at this ideal and expect love to feel like this, we must be complete in ourselves before entering a relationship. That we have worked on ourselves shows a higher level of self-awareness. This doesn’t mean we cannot grow more with a partner or complement one another. We must acknowledge our baggage, pack our life’s toolbox with tools like communication and listening, and apply them. No one is perfect; we must take responsibility for our issues and gain the tools to enter a relationship as whole as possible.

Know Your Worth

Before you even contemplate dating, you must do a deep inner dive to know and affirm your worth. This means you’ve done your inside work to develop healthy self-esteem and self-love that are not dependent on a romantic relationship. You engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-care, and surround yourself with uplifting people. And this has nothing to do with any monetary value you bring to the table but your value as a person—what you will and will not tolerate, what you expect, what you want for yourself, how you care for yourself and your needs, and your self-confidence in your own deservingness.

There is no need to voice this because you know the qualities you bring to a relationship. You show your worth through your actions with everyone you meet. You trust your instincts, communicate your needs and boundaries clearly, and are assertive while being respectful. It is not about being demanding or expecting a perfect partner. You simply refuse to settle for anything less than what you deserve. Only then can you choose relationships that value and appreciate you for who you are.

You are not Auditioning

Be aware of the tendency to over-give and be exploited or treated as though you are their wife/husband. The date who keeps you waiting, asks you to chauffeur them around, do their laundry, make them meals, care for their children, or help clean their home is not looking to date you so much as they are looking to be taken care of.

We sometimes erroneously think that if we agree to every request or whim, our date will appreciate us more and want to be with us. It’s the opposite! Skip ahead to Boundaries in Chapter Three to understand how critical early limit-setting is. We are not suggesting you avoid doing wonderful things for the other person. Tamper your giving with sound judgment. You don’t have to audition for the role because dating is not a simulation nor playing house—it is a fun time designed to learn about each other. Court and let yourself be courted!

Unrequited Love

You have a terrible crush on someone who barely notices you, let alone returns your feelings of infatuation. Your mind does somersaults trying to figure out why this person does not acknowledge you or ask you out, and it feels heartbreaking. You are trying to live out the fairy tale romance you have built in your head, longing for a love that never happens.

Unrequited love results when one person develops powerful emotions towards someone who does not reciprocate those feelings with the same intensity or at all. And it can be deeply challenging and painful. Dealing with unrequited love requires self-reflection and emotional resilience because you risk falling into the trap of harbouring unrealistic notions of couple relationships that feed the fairy tale of Happily Ever After.

This unbalanced affection can create a sense of longing, disappointment, and heartache for the person who is not receiving the desired response from their love interest. When you experience this unreciprocated affection, you may constantly think about the object of your desire, daydreaming about a potential relationship and hoping your love interest returns your feelings. Despite your best efforts, the other person may not feel the same way or may not even be aware of the depth of your emotions.

Many of us experience unrequited love as high school and college students. Kelly knows of a woman who held a torch for a young man who never knew the extent of this woman’s admiration because she could not bring herself to share her feelings about pursuing a romantic relationship. The woman watched as this guy embarked on other love relationships, eventually marrying. She never dated and married later in life, as it had taken her many years to come to terms with her loss and the pain of her unreciprocated feelings.

The reasons for unrequited love vary; it could be mismatched feelings, differences in personal preferences, lack of maturity, or simply because love is a complex and unpredictable emotion. Regardless of the cause, it can be difficult for the person experiencing unrequited love to move on and let go of their feelings. According to Dr. Dianne Grande (2020), this may be a fantasy bond resulting from early attachment trauma (childhood neglect and abuse) where you may need professional help to work through it to practice self-restraint—especially if this is a repetitive and addictive pattern.

While unrequited love can be a painful experience, remember that love is a two-way street. It is not a reflection of your worth or desirability if someone does not reciprocate your feelings. Acknowledge and accept that the other person’s feelings are beyond your control.

Distance yourself from your object of affection, allowing time and space for healing and self-growth. Pivot your love obsession towards yourself. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to navigate the emotional challenges. Use it as a learning experience and believe that your Person Charming is somewhere out there; someone special who will appreciate and return the love you offer.

REFLECTION

Do you find yourself in non-reciprocal love relationships, and if so, think about these questions:

Is this a pattern for me?

How does this unrequited love serve me?

What can I do to shift my thoughts and behaviour away from this unavailable person?

Alternatively, what steps can I take to let the person know how I feel?

Online Dating

The rise in dating apps and online dating has changed the dating landscape. We don’t always have the time or means to go to places where we can meet others, or we may suffer from social anxiety, and interacting with others from the comfort of home can cure loneliness. Our Person Charming might be one click away!

While meeting people online can be fun and safe, it can also be risky. Tune into any news channel for examples of how online dating can go wrong—from stories of individuals who have fallen victim to scams and catfishing to more serious crimes. These incidents remind us that while online interactions can be exciting and secure, we must exercise caution when forming relationships in the digital world.

Behind the screen, someone may have ulterior motives or hidden agendas. They may display a persona they want us to see, projecting an image that is not reflective of who they are. This can lead to deception and manipulation, as they capitalize on our shared interests and mutual goals to gain our trust. They may shower us with compliments and affection, making us feel valued and loved. These online connections can boost our self-esteem and create a strong bond with us, but those with nefarious intentions may use these tactics to exploit our vulnerabilities and manipulate us emotionally.

Prioritise your well-being and safety, pay attention to your intuition, and ask the right questions to filter out incompatible individuals. At the risk of sounding overly cautious, we challenge you to activate your critical thinking by asking specific questions and validating the answers you receive. Research your date’s name online. Do a reverse telephone number lookup, and check for legal notifications, such as arrests or any other public notices (Your date may do the same research on you). The more intensive your search, the better! If you have any doubts or uncomfortable feelings, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for guidance and support. It’s better to lose a bit of your pride versus thousands of dollars.

Before starting a committed relationship, it is crucial to clarify your values and goals, establish boundaries, and have confidence in your intuition (Read more in the next chapters). You get to decide whether to meet, and only when you have conducted thorough research about this new person and feel confident in your decision. You should never feel pressured or given ultimatums to meet or engage in any other activity.

Next, do video chats! It’s important to see the individual you’re going to meet before meeting in person. Video chats allow you to get a better sense of their personality, body language, and overall demeanour. It’s a wonderful way to build a connection and ensure there’s a level of comfort and compatibility. Plus, it’s a convenient way to have face-to-face conversations with no physical proximity.

During online chats, remember to keep your personal information, like pictures of your kids or any other sensitive details, out of sight. No stranger should see anything of personal value to you before meeting in person. Refusing to video chat screams ‘Scammer!’ If someone is unwilling to live video chat with you after a week of messaging, it is a clear red flag, so end all communication despite whatever excuse the person gives. They may have a fake profile picture or be in another relationship. If you are not aware, there is a way to check online to verify from where images originate.

It’s challenging to uncover if someone is already in a relationship and seeking online affairs outside their marriage, but there are ways. Anyone who sounds like they are whispering over the phone or can only speak at odd hours (and insist on calling you) is obviously in a relationship or hiding something. They could be married and not want their partner to know they are on a dating app.

Laurie connected with a man via an online dating app. After a couple of days of texting, she suggested they take the next step of having a phone chat. She noticed he was talking in hushed tones, which her intuition told her was strange. And minutes later, her gut feeling proved correct! There was a kerfuffle and another voice in the background as this guy’s wife wrestled the phone out of his hand, yelling about catching her serial cheating asshole husband red-handed! Laurie remained on the phone with the woman for another thirty minutes, providing free relationship coaching. True story!

The timeline for meeting should be within a couple of weeks. While texting someone can be a fantastic way to connect on a mental level, long-term messaging can lead to building a fantasy image of the other person in your mind. So, if you are serious about taking your relationship further, we recommend an in-person date within two weeks. Here are some guidelines:

If you feel comfortable to meet, do so in a public place and during the day. Neutral spaces and daylight make our first-time meeting safer. Give friends or family members all the details of your meeting and the contact information of your date. If you choose to meet in a coffee shop, don’t be shy to tell the barista (or anyone else close by) that you are on a blind date. While having an ally can help you feel safer, you have sole responsibility for your safety.

No spark? If you meet, chat for a while, and realise you never want to see this person again, be honest and empathic. Rejection sucks! Understand they may see a future with you. And it would feel disappointing for you to be rejected, too. It’s critical to ensure the person you reject doesn’t know where you live or have any of your personal details in case of potential stalking.

Your connection feels unbelievably perfect! The person is such an ideal catch that you wonder why no one has snatched them up yet. This individual may be the infamous soulmate that people speak of. Or they are a professional love chameleon (or iguana) expert in wooing and conquering before moving to their next prey. If it feels too good to be true, put on your critical thinking cap and investigate. Be discerning and follow your gut feelings. If their actions match their words, everyone gets along, and your loved ones approve, then decide what comes next for your relationship.

Prepare for worst-case scenarios. Ugh! No one wants to think of these, but we learn through newscasts about a family searching for their missing loved one who met up with a stranger. And this is happening somewhere every day! We offer dating tips and safety measures, but it’s your responsibility to exercise caution and vigilance to avoid dating horrors.

Here are critical safety considerations for dating:

If you plan to meet someone online, ensure another adult has details of that plan. Teenagers may roll their eyes at this, but most parents want to protect their children from predators. Considering they’ve been on the earth longer, humour them and let your parents help you date safely.

Phone apps will show someone where you are. Download, activate, and share! You can deactivate the feature once you are safely home.

Never get into a car on your first (and even second) date. Arrange a neutral meeting place and go with your own transportation.

Do not drink alcohol or use the bathroom until you have finished eating and drinking. Never leave your food or drink unattended.

Trust any feelings that arise (your intuition). If you do not feel secure and are second-guessing yourself, opt to be overly cautious and find a safe way to end the date.

If you’re uncomfortable and do not feel confident about ending the date, pre-arrange for a friend to call you an hour into your meeting to check in and create a fake emergency. This is your moment to be nominated for an Oscar, so break a leg! I’m sorry I must leave, but there’s a family emergency. Offer to pay, then take a taxi home.

Always text your designated someone when you arrive home.

Repeat this mantra: It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Meeting Through Friends

Your best friend’s boyfriend knows someone single and thinks you would be a perfect match! Could this be the ideal set-up? Yes. And no.

Yes, if they know the person very well, know their family, have grown up together and hang out regularly. They know all the tea about this person: their past relationships and why they failed, their values, unhealthy habits, good habits, and what they seek in a relationship. This could be a best friend, a family member, a neighbour (as in one of the author’s cases), or a colleague.

No, because although your friend has known you for years, they may not know the other person as well. Although you may feel safe, it’s important to remember that your blind date is a stranger. Recognise that your blind date is someone you don’t know and prioritise your safety by asking the right questions to both your friend and your date. It could turn out that your friend thinks you’d be a brilliant match with ‘some person’ they met last week at a keg party. In that case, get a new friend! 

Thirty-nine percent of sexual assaults happen at the hands of someone known to the victim, according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). This alarming statistic makes it crucial to trust the power of our intuition. That little voice inside often warns us when something doesn’t feel right—listen to it!

Questions to ask your friend (the same as if you were online dating) when they are setting you up on a date with someone they know:

How long have you known this person, and in what capacity (close friend, acquaintance, colleague)?

Why do you think we would be a good match?

What is their full name (so you can perform an online search)?

Why are they single (or what is wrong with them)?

Safety first. Always. We all want to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with that chemistry. But, when desire overcomes the cognisant part of our brain, we can convince ourselves that we can spin poop into gold. Desperately wanting something can cause us to make a wrong decision in a millisecond.

Rekindling the Fairy Tale

How often do people find each other again via social media with the goal of rekindling the flame of their adolescent love? Or someone is obsessed with an old flame and finds them online only to discover they are happily married to someone else!

The Internet makes it easy to find anyone from our past—despite that sometimes it is best to leave them there! Recreating the fantasy of what once was, hence, the fairy tale bears mentioning here because we may feel what we had was so special and that person is The One that got away. We may have spent years thinking about What if…?

Who you once were is not who you are today. Life has happened in between. Take the time to get to know the person as they are now. It may be best to treat them as a stranger because technically they are!

Kelly experienced this feeling about someone she was engaged to in her early twenties. For years she dreamt of him and regretted their hasty split. She eventually learned these feelings stemmed from her unhappiness in herself, especially when she realised how she’d settled for less by living in an unhealthy relationship with the long-term partner she eventually chose.

Sometimes we meet an old flame after many years apart and resume as if we’ve never been apart. Because of the death of or desertion by spouses, now we are free to pursue and rekindle that long-ago-but-not-forgotten romance. It can be the making of a beautiful love story to tell grandchildren from our respective families!

The First Date

Usually superficial, the first date is often based on appearance and ease of conversation. Or sparks fly because you have this amazing chemistry! (Whoa, Horsey!) The second or third date is foundational and allows you to discover your partner on a deeper level. Their answers can help you gain critical information to evaluate your desire to pursue a relationship.

We are daring, even double daring, you to move out of your comfort zone by asking specific questions. If you seek a long-term relationship, you can make the best decision by taking things slower and using every opportunity to learn about the other person. As you would interview someone for a position in your company, you can pose questions to your date. Except in this case, you are the position (Oops, Freudian slip)!

Here are questions to ask your date:

How do you spend your free time? This helps establish common ground, that the person has a life outside work and other obligations and gives insight into how they engage with the world.

What kind of music/bands do you like? This fun question establishes a cultural bent that the person likes entertainment and is not all work and no play.

What do you do for work? You want to know their job and financial status.

Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower? While this sounds like a job interview question, you want to know if your potential partner is an initiative-taker with ambition.

What would you do if you had the money to do whatever you wanted? This question uncovers financial well-being, values, mission, and what is meaningful to the person.

In today’s fast-paced society, finding time to eat or take a break, let alone date someone, is challenging. Hence the get-to-the-point-questions above. You can be curious about someone without acting interrogating; pepper your conversation as the dialogue fits the context. Pay attention to body language, such as eye contact and nervousness, when your date responds. If your date avoids answering or hedges when you ask a question, it may show they have something to hide.

Two weeks into dating, Laurie devised and used these in-depth questions with her partner:

How would your last partner describe you?

How long have you been with your employer?

What part did you play in your last relationship break-up?

What did you learn about yourself from your previous relationship?

Would you accept it if everyone insisted the world is flat? Why?

How many relationships have you had in the past five years?

Would your mother say you are easily influenced?

What are your top three short and long-term goals?

What elements define an abusive relationship?

To what lengths would you go to preserve a relationship, and at what point would you decide to walk away?

What is the most important to you: money, love, happiness, independence, and integrity?

How would your best friends describe you?

How would your enemies describe you?

What are your best and worst qualities?

In a partner, what qualities do you look for and respect?

What kind of relationship do/did your parents have?

What type of parent are you? Authoritarian or friend?

How important are your friends to you?

What do you enjoy most when you meet someone new?

These are suggested questions you can ask. Create a list based on your values and goals. For more examples, visit the link to an expanded list of first-date questions in the Bibliography.

Dating conventions continue to develop, so knowing and honouring your values can keep you grounded (See Values in Chapter 2). Happily Ever After—A Reality Check aims to help you achieve clarity as you cut through all the noise to listen to yourself (and your potential partner). If dating is a game, determine your objectives and develop a strategy!

Introduction

Welcome to Getting Clear

And we lived happily ever after!

You are dating someone and it’s serious; you feel ready to take the plunge to commit. This exciting step could involve moving in together or getting engaged. Understanding your motivation is crucial when making a major life choice. Knowing your ‘why’ will help you navigate the complexities of living with a chosen partner, spouse, husband, wife, or even a roommate. Sustainable relationships begin with a clear understanding about your reason for being together. Your ‘why’ will motivate you when the going gets tough and you want to get going!

If you enter a living arrangement or marriage without working on yourself, you may end up with the opposite of what you desire in a relationship. Critical thinking often goes out the window in love relationships. When everything is rosy at the beginning of a new relationship, it’s easy to overlook the warning signs. You must do your homework. Otherwise, you may wonder why your couple is fraught with discord, anger, resentment, or even violence as time passes!

EXERCISE: Know your ‘Why?’

Check all that apply:

We are in love and have a mutual goal of building a life together.

We’ve been dating for X amount of time, and we want to take our relationship to the next level.

Time to fly the coop (leave my family’s home/another home, the system).

I want a parental figure for my children.

I’m looking for stability or financial security.

My biological clock is