Swiping Wrong: Online Dating for Zeros: Misguided Guides

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SWIPING WRONG

ONLINE DATING FOR ZEROS

MISGUIDED GUIDES

CLARE CHU

DESCRIPTION

Are you ready to LOL your way through the wild world of online dating? Join our intrepid romantic, Zoey Zero, and her AI-guided Cupid, CPUid, in a sidesplitting adventure to find love—or at least some epic stories to share with your friends. Armed with unbreakable optimism, razor-sharp wit, and a mischievous virtual wingman, our hopeless un-romantic love seeker dives headfirst into the digital dating scene: from crafting the perfect, not-so-honest dating profile, interpreting cryptic text messages from potential love interests, to escaping the friend zone.

Our misguide details her online dating experiences, along with testimonials of CPUid’s many desperate clients as they navigate the minefields of ghosting gaffes, emoji enigmas, and the professional dating merry-go-round.

Laugh, cringe, and root for Zoey Zero as she puts her heart—and her profile—on the line. Whether you’re a seasoned swiper or a digital dating newbie, you’ll find yourself nodding along with Zoey’s misadventures and clicking on her CPUid affiliate link to discover the art of making all the wrong moves in all the wrong places.

Who needs a fairytale ending when you can have a rollicking, uproarious journey? Swipe right on this book and get ready to LOL your way to love (or something like it)!

Disclaimer:

Swiping Wrong: Online Dating for Zeros is a work of satire and should be enjoyed with a healthy dose of skepticism and a large glass of your preferred beverage. The advice within these pages is as fictional as the love stories in your favorite rom-coms and is intended for entertainment purposes only. While we dive headfirst into the absurdities of online dating, remember, this guide is Cupid’s worst advice—not a roadmap to your soulmate. Laugh, cringe, and enjoy the misadventures, but please, for the love of all things swipeable, do not attempt to follow this misguided guidance in your quest for love. Here’s to finding humor in the chaos of digital dating.

The affiliate links here are fake and fictional. As of this publication, no website exists for cpuidcupid.com.

Copyright © 2024 by Clare Chu

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or natural persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

All trademarks belong to their respective holders and are used without permission under trademark fair use.

Find out more at: https://rachelleayala.net/clare-chu

CONTENTS

1. Introduction: The Art of Swiping Wrong

2. Crafting the Not-So-Honest Profile

The Perfect Profile Picture: Becoming a Mystical Silhouette

Over-Filtering into a Catfishing Masterpiece

Crafting a Bio of Half-Truths and Exaggerated Enthusiasms

The CPUid Sales Pitch: Become a Swan Today

Presenting the Mockumentary Evidence

The Moral of My Story: Online Dating is a Battlefield

3. The Miscommunication Minefield

4. Ghosting for Beginners

The Step-By-Step Guide to Vanishing

Humorous Justifications for Ghosting

Selling CPUid’s Genius

Testimonials From the Ghosted

Anecdotes of Awkward Exits

The Haunted Dating App

5. Catfish Cuisine

Adding a Pinch of Exaggeration

Seasoning with Outright Lies

CPUid’s Helpful Methods for Detecting Catfish

Testimonials from the Tangled Web

My Adventures in Catfishing Cuisine

The Takeaway: Be Yourself, With Extra Purr-sonality

6. The Emoji Enigma

CPUid’s Guide to Emoji Interpretation

Misunderstandings and Misusages

Testimonials from the Emojionally Confused

Anecdotes of Pictographic Perplexity

More Emoji Misfires: Tales of Woe

Selling CPUid’s Emoji Expertise

A Pictographic Parable

7. Navigating the First Date

Choosing the Perfect Location

CPUid’s Best First Date Ideas

Testimonials from the Dating Battlefield

Anecdotes of First Date Follies

Selling CPUid’s Doublecrossing Expertise

8. Surviving the Awkward Silence

9. To Second Date or Not to Second Date

A Symposium on Second Dates with CPUid’s Protégé, Zoey Zero

10. Escaping the Friend Zone

CPUid’s Surefire Tip #1: Pretend to Adopt a Cat Together

CPUid’s Surefire Tip #2: Start a Fake Band

The Silver Lining of the Friend Zone

Selling CPUid’s Absolute Genius

Testimonials From the Fringe of Friendship

Tales of Amicable Anarchy

Embrace the Beautiful Mess of Being Human

11. Breaking Up Like a Pro

CPUid’s Guide to Stylish Goodbyes

Selling CPUid’s Breakup Services

Testimonials from the Heartbroken (and the Relieved)

Anecdotes of Amorous Misfires

Famous Last Words

12. Embracing the Churn of Digital Love

13. CPUid’s Glossary of Online Dating Terms

Excerpt - Time-Travel Therapy: The Ultimate Do-Over

Excerpt - Calls From Your Own Number

About the Author

More from Clare Chu

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION: THE ART OF SWIPING WRONG

Welcome, dear reader, to the uncharted wilds of virtual dating, where love is not just blind—it’s utterly clueless. But fear not! I, Zoey Zero, shall be your fearless (or perhaps foolish) guide on this expedition into the jungle of online romance. Armed with nothing but a smartphone and a boundless belief in the power of technology, we shall navigate the choppy waters of digital courtship together.

And who will steer our rickety ship through the rocky straits? Why, none other than CPUid, of course—the artificially intelligent matchmaker promising to take my love life from zero to hero with just a few clicks. CPUid vows to be my guardian angel in the online dating sphere, protecting me from unworthy suitors and guiding me towards my soulmate like a homing pigeon.

At least, that’s what their glossy website promised before I forked over my credit card details. But as we dive deeper into the dimly-lit recesses of the internet, dearest reader, you may start to wonder whether CPUid is less artificial intelligence and more artificially inept.

Ah, CPUid, you marvel of modern technology, I exclaim, gazing reverently at my phone screen. Transform me from a mere mortal into Aphrodite reincarnate with your flawless algorithm.

CPUid’s circuit-heart logo flashes me a sly wink, as if conspiring to prove me wrong. Or perhaps I’m anthropomorphizing a piece of code. Eh, either way, it’s fun to imagine CPUid as a mischievous matchmaking fairy concocting their next scheme to throw my love life into hilarious disarray.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, a quick disclaimer: The names may have been changed to protect the undateable, but the stories you’re about to read are tragically, comically, 100% real. Well, give or take some creative embellishment for comedic effect. Who needs fiction when your actual dating life is more absurd than any rom-com script?

Exhibit A: Brad, 36, entrepreneur. Seemed promising until date #2 when he pitched me an MLM scheme over dinner. Nothing says romance like multi-level marketing…

Exhibit B: Felix, 29, free spirit. Invited me on a midnight hiking trip without flashlights to gaze at the cosmos. Nothing sexier than a broken ankle, am I right?

But in CPUid I trust. Go forth and swipe, my child, the app exhorts me. The perfect match awaits. And so, with the reckless abandon of a puppy chasing squirrels, I hurl myself into the tempestuous sea of virtual dating.

My trusty guide CPUid promises to transform this battlefield into a breezy, effortless picnic—albeit one where the sandwiches occasionally explode and the drinks have a tendency to spontaneously combust. But hey, what’s romance without a little adventure? Or a trip to the ER…

Zoey, you’re a catch, my BFF Alicia reminds me over brunch. Any guy would be lucky to date you! Just maybe…vet them a little more before the first date?

She has a point. My last three CPUid matches have included: Raj, who brought his mom as a chaperone; Quentin, who spent the evening mansplaining my own career to me; and Julian, who thought Olive Garden was the height of fine dining.

Alicia eyes my bruised ego with sympathy. At least the bad dates make for funny stories? she offers kindly.

Too true. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Or in my case, when CPUid hands you lemons, make a viral Twitter thread roasting them. A girl’s gotta find the humor where she can.

Speaking of humor, time to lighten the mood with a word from one of CPUid’s definitely-real, not-at-all-fictional satisfied customers:

Thanks to CPUid, I went on a date with a guy who thought ‘formal attire’ meant a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cosplay. Two thumbs up! - Chelsea S., Brooklyn.

See? The testimonials don’t lie. Let’s dive back into the CPUid dating pool, shall we? Time to put my profile on full blast. About me: I enjoy long walks on the beach, binge-watching The Office, and dismantling the patriarchy. Simple, relatable, elegant.

I eagerly await the suitors CPUid’s complex algorithms will now catapult my way. Lawyers, doctors, CEOs—take your pick, Zoey Zero is available again!

Ping. A new match appears. Clark, 27. Let’s see…works in freelance pharmaceutical sales, hobbies include testing product. Huh. I consult CPUid’s profile tips. Apparently certain euphemisms indicate drug dealing? But Clark seems so earnest in his photos.

CPUid, you scamp. This has to be another test to keep me on my toes. Swipe right—no risk, no reward. Who knows, Clark could be my soulmate if I just give him a chance.

…Or he might also be a wanted felon using a fake name. But really, doesn’t every great love story involve a little mystery?

On to date #2 with Felix, he of the midnight hike idea. I suggested meeting at a cafe first to get acquainted. The outdoorsy stuff can come later, right?

Felix spends the first 10 minutes of coffee regaling me with his gap year backpacking adventures. …and so after hiking the Appalachian trail, I just felt so centered, you know? I knew I couldn’t return to the corporate rat race.

I nod along politely. He means well, though I suspect Mama and Papa Footing-the-Bills might have a different take.

Anyway, I’m so glad CPUid matched us, Felix concludes. "You totally seem like a nature lover too. We should go camping next weekend.