Learn the Rules: Rough Love Part 1

CHAPTER ONE

The first time Benjamin Ballard gets his ass spanked by Xander Romano, it's just funny. They’re playing five-on-fives for a friendly basketball game, and Ben is captain for his side—as usual—but he’s missing every shot that day, totally off his game. They lose.

Like, by a lot.

Xander, who’s captaining the other team, catches Ben unawares as he’s bending over his bag after the game, trying to find the Gatorade he could swear he packed. Xander spread-eagles him against the bench and starts whacking away at his ass. Everyone laughs, because it's funny. Ben takes it, and laughs a little longer than everyone else, to cover up a flush and the stirring in his pants.

Totally owned you! Xander calls, as he jogs away to change his shirt, flipping his black hair off his sweaty forehead. Something weird sparks in Ben’s chest as he thinks about how that stupid hair is forever flopping into Xander’s eyes.

Douchebag should just cut it, he adds to himself, to stamp out the something weird.

Bunch of voyeur perverts! Ben calls out to the rest of the guys. But then he tries to think of something else, because the thought of being watched while Xander spanks him is not helping the situation in his pants.

Ben has been working with Xander for a little over two years now, and they know each other pretty well. They both tend to take the late shift at the coffee shop where they work, and like so many others in LA, they’re both interested in breaking into the industry. The only industry in town, really.

Xander is an actor. An ack-torrr, Ben always substitutes in his mind, but he’s not mocking, not really. Xander is good. He’s just super-serious and intellectual about it. Like, he keeps his hair a little longer to be able to portray different looks, or at least, that’s what he’s told Ben: when it’s straggling down into his face and Xander looks up from under his brows, he’s a threatening serial killer. Greased back smooth and shiny, he’s a mafioso. Blow-dried into floopsy late-90s Hugh Grantness? Romcom heartthrob.

Xander studied at Juilliard and did a semester abroad at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Xander’s agent is always sending him on auditions, mostly for theatre. Ben, who’s more interested in writing summer blockbusters or gut-busting comedies, just can’t help but be a little more light-hearted about it all. Sure, he’s read Save the Cat and all those hip screenwriting books, but when it comes down to it, writing for him is a fun escape. If he didn’t grow up in LA, he might just have been a teacher or a poet something, because he loves words as much as movies. For Xander, acting seems more like something he has to do to stay sane. Ben has always been more interested in comedy than tragedy, and he finds Xander’s ability to throw himself into different moods kind of…scary.

If the coffee shop were a high school, Xander would be the cool drama kid. Ben, with his all-American sandy blond hair and bright blue eyes, usually feels more like the bumbling jock who never got picked for varsity, so he makes his name as the class clown instead.

That’s Ben Ballard: jokester, comic, all-round-funny-guy who likes to make people laugh. Just maybe not by getting his ass whacked over a park bench.

Because it wasn’t all funny, he realizes one morning on his ride to the coffee shop.

There was something else there. Something beneath the surface that Ben isn’t sure he wants to explore. Not when life is so easy and peaceful on the surface.

Who really wants to dive into the water and meet the Kraken, after all?

Xander has noticed something, because the next time they catch up, at the coffee gang’s monthly movie night, he brings it up when he and Ben are alone in the kitchen. This month the movie is at Xander’s place, and he’s chosen something classic and boring. The rest of the crew are surreptitiously trying to change it over for Die Hard, and it’s Ben’s job to keep Xander in the kitchen while they do.

So, you’re a spanking man? Xander says casually, reaching for a glass from the cupboard. He pours himself a glass of wine while Ben clears his throat and carefully keeps his eyes on the schedule for tomorrow.

Huh? Ben tries to sound distracted and uninterested.

You like spanking, Xander repeats, and it isn't a question this time. He takes a long sip of the red wine. He’s the only one of them at the coffee shop who drinks wine. The rest of them are still stuck on brewskis or spirits, or even the wine coolers that Carla likes. Xander has been teased about it once or twice, but he ignores it. He always does his own thing. Xander is very self-contained and sure of himself; always has been, as long as Ben has known him.

Ben tries to drag his eyes away from the glass, but finds himself mesmerized as Xander sips, then takes a quick, cat-like lick of the rim to catch a magenta bead of wine.

You’re blushing. Again, Xander adds.

What? No, I’m not! I mean...I don’t know where you got—

Save it, Ballard. Xander puts the glass down on the counter. I was just curious. Didn’t mean to make you all flustered. He grabs a cloth to wipe up a tiny splash of wine that spilled from the bottle, but Ben swears he sees a smirk cross Xander’s face before he turns his back.

Ben clears his throat. "Crazy-early start at work tomorrow, he says weakly, and pretends to give a big yawn. Xander just nods, and scrubs at the already sparkling counter with long, hard swipes. I better, uh. It’s late. I better get going. Later, man."

Later.

The rest of the crew boo his early exit, but Ben gets his ass out of there and back to his car as quickly as he can without obviously running.

That night, when Ben is jerking off, he thinks about Xander sipping and savoring the wine, just before he comes.

But it isn’t like he's gay, Ben tells himself. He's a fan of pussy. A big fan! He’d never begrudge those who weren’t, but the other thing...well, it just isn’t his thing. His thing is pussy. He knows Xander is not a pussy fan, but he’s never shown any interest in Ben either.

So what’s up with the spanking thing?

Because Xander has done it again. This time it happened before they started the basketball game, too. Which is not cool. Ben had picked his team. Xander had picked his. And then Xander slapped Ben’s ass instead of his high-fiving hand to signal the start of the game, and said, Play better this time, Spanky.

Ben had shoved him lightly and laughed, Shut up, but he could feel that blush starting again.

After the game, they usually walk down to the local bar, only this time, Ben and Xander end up the last two there after everyone else has left. They’ve had a drink and a half each, so Ben feels like it’s a good time to bring it up. At least he’s feeling looser about it.

Hey, man?

Xander is holding his phone, checking messages. He blinks up at Ben. Yeah?

Um.

Xander looks up, confused.

Ben takes a huge slug of his beer and ends up choking so badly that Xander has to pound him on the back.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Xander asks, grinning, once it’s clear Ben is no longer in danger of asphyxiation. Ben just scowls at him. Wow, okay. Xander shakes his head with a small smile and puts his phone away. Anyway, I’ll leave you to it, I gotta get—

Ben just blurts it out. How come you keep spanking my ass? he demands. It’s annoying.

This time, Ben can see, Xander is pretending to look confused, but his expression is watchful. "Keep spanking it? Not sure what you mean."

You just—you just seem to do it a lot. And now everyone is calling me Spanky! Ben is annoyed to hear a whine in his voice, but it’s true. The guys were calling him that all through the game, and then during the friendly drink afterwards.

Just messing with you, Xander shrugs. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

Ben frowns, slightly mollified. Well, it’s not cool, man. It’s just, you know.

You have a very sensitive ass?

Oh, fuck you. Ben chuckles despite himself. He relaxes back into the leather seat, feeling better about the whole thing.

Well, at least I finally got a laugh out of you, Xander says. Anyway. Sorry. I was just kidding around.

Ben nods sagely.

Plus, I like spanking, Xander continues. It’s kind of my thing. He gives a wolfish grin.

Ben chokes, O-okay. TMI, buddy, TMI.

Hey, we all have a thing, right? Xander is smiling.

"Uh, yeah. My thing is pussy, though, so you know. Maybe you can spank someone who’s into… Ben breaks off, realizing that what he's about to say is not going to come out right. Um. Someone else," he finishes feebly.

"Someone whose thing is not pussy, Xander substitutes. His jaw is tight. Ben rubs his hands over his face, feeling like a class-A jerk. Sure. Thanks for making that clear for me, Benjamin."

I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, Ben mumbles.

It’s fine. I get it. Listen, I need to make tracks. Xander turns away, but Ben still catches his mutter to himself: …should know better than to joke around with the straight boys. Xander exits without another word.

It’s been a while since Ben split with his girlfriend, and he thinks about her that night, although just before he shoots, Xander’s face flashed into his mind, glowering. Afterwards he can't sleep for a while, and wonders what had happened to the usual pleasant afterglow.

The next week at work is, to put it lightly, tense. Xander and Ben occasionally work the same shift, but Xander seems to have gone out of his way to avoid the same work times. Ben feels like he’s managed to fuck up any trust he and Xander had as colleagues, and worse, as friends. Xander is distantly polite, but he never stays in the back room when Ben might show up, and at break times he mysteriously disappears.

Ben feels bad. He’s tried to apologize, but Xander sort of melts out of the room every time it sounds like Ben is going to say anything about the conversation at the bar. Ben doesn't want to come across as some homophobe, making stupid micro-aggressions and shit, but damn it, he doesn’t want to get spanked either. All he did was ask that Xander cut it out. And then almost said something shitty. And Xander totally overreacted.

The point is, Ben doesn’t want Xander spanking him.

Why not? he asks himself one lunch break. He’s the only one in the tiny break room right now, and he forks some noodles around his bowl from the Chinese takeout next door, and thinks again, Why not?

Because my thing is pussy, he says aloud. He shakes his head, and gave a small laugh. Good thing no one is around to hear him.

But is that still his thing? When was the last time he actually...huh. A long time. A few months. And for Ben, who just started to grow into his face and body when he started college and got all the attention he missed out on in high school, a few months really is a long time. He still jerks off, of course, but he has to admit that he doesn't always think about girls now when he does. But fantasy is completely different from actually wanting to...

Most of the time, if he's really going to be honest, he thinks about Xander.

And sometimes, about Xander spanking him.

Maybe more than sometimes.

Ben shoves the noodle bowl away and thunks his head down on the table. Fuck.

He tries to talk to their boss, the coffee-shop owner about it, but Karl is not eager to get involved, just like he stays wisely away from movie night and bowling night.

Ben, seriously, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. It’s just something you know, he finally says. Like I know I’m straight.

But I thought you and Dorian—? Dorian is one of the newest hires at the coffee shop, and he’s pansexual, as per his announcement on his first day to the whole coffee shop, staff and patrons. Dorian literally climbed onto a chair, clapped his hands, and made the announcement, to everyone’s bemusement. He’s dropped an awful lot of innuendo about Karl in the last few months, but Ben wonders now if it was just wishful thinking on Dorian’s part.

No. Karl looks pained. Dorian might have kind of a thing for me, but…like I said, I'm not…

Ben wonders if he's making Karl uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll talk to Carla, Ben says, thinking aloud.

Karl glances at Carla, who is doing some kind of crazy dance with Jae behind the counter, to the whooping of the entire coffee shop. Not to point out the obvious, Ben, but I’m not sure what kind of advice a straight woman could give you about this. Why don’t you just talk to Xander?

No! Ben snaps. No. I’ll just figure it out myself.

Oh! says Karl. "Ohhh."

Ben changes the subject.

The problem is, Ben admits to himself a few days later, that it isn’t just…he sighs. It’s not just the Gay Thing. It's the spanking thing, too. Or maybe the spanking thing instead? He can’t figure it out. Is he gay now? Or some kind of kinky pervert? Or just confused?

Finally, on a day Xander is rostered for the late-late shift and the place is empty, Ben sneaks into the break room rather than leaving for home after his shift ends, and settles down to wait. He's going to sort this stupid fight out, one way or another. Apart from anything else, he misses Xander.

And if they're going to keep working together, it will be best to clear the air.

Xander doesn’t finish shut-down until late, and he looks exhausted when he comes into the break room to grab his things. He’s had a lot of auditions lately, Ben knows, and he’s had to swap out a lot of the earlier day shifts to make his appointments with casting agents. When he sees Ben sitting there, Xander stops dead and stares.

Ben gives what he hopes is a welcoming and conciliatory smile.

What do you want? Xander asks in a monotone, grabbing his bag.

I want to talk, Ben replies, spreading his hands out in the air, palms up. See, no tricks.

I’m tired. I have an audition tomorrow, and I need sleep.

It’ll only take a second.

Xander sizes him up for a second, but must see the determination in his face. Fine. Talk. He grabs at his work tee and begins to pull it over his head. Ben lets out his breath, his heart thumping.

Damn. Xander is cut. This is something Ben has vaguely noticed before, when they’ve played shirts and skins on the basketballs courts, but he’s never…noticed it before. Not till now. Not till he’s started questioning his very identity.

Xander’s head reappears from out of the shirt, his dark eyes burning into Ben’s with an unspoken challenge.

Ben gets it. Xander is trying to psych him out. Trying to gay him out, even.

So, what is it? Xander snaps.

I’m sorry, Ben begins. "And—please don’t roll your eyes. I am sorry. I know I acted like a jerk."

Like an asshole, Xander suggests.

Yeah. Ben looks down at his boots. "Well, I’m sorry. It was dumb. I was dumb."

Xander shrugs a shoulder as he pulls out a fresh shirt from his gym bag, but doesn’t put it on yet. Okay. He adds, Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I was an asshole, too. You don’t want your ass spanked, you have a right to tell me to fuck off. Sorry I made you uncomfortable.

Actually, Ben says, and takes a deep breath, I started wondering if maybe you were right.

Xander just looks at him.

About the spanking thing, Ben amends. I thought...maybe...

"Oh, hell no, Ballard, Xander says, laughing a little in disbelief. Let me stop you right there. He goes to the bar fridge in the corner and pulls out one of the sodas kept in there for staff. You want one of these?"

Ben nods, and Xander hands him a bottle. They drink in silence for a few minutes.

Look, I’m not doing this very well, Ben tries again. I didn’t mean to sound like I was asking you to wail on my ass again or anything.

Good, Xander says. "Because I do not fool around with straight boys."

The thing is, I just don’t know what I am any more, if I'm straight or what, Ben says in a rush. Xander looks surprised. Because I’ve been having these fantasies, and—

Ben, you can take it from me, you’re straight.

Ben frowns. That’s not fair. You don’t know what’s going on in my head.

Xander sighs and sits down at the table, straddling the chair. Come on, man. Fantasies are one thing. Lubed-up buttfucking is another. Right?

Ben snorts with laughter. Don’t hold back, there. Listen, I’m not saying, Ben continues, that I’m... He waves his drink around. "That I’m suddenly gay. I’m just trying to figure it out. I never really thought about it, you know? It was never an option for me. Or at least, I never thought it was an option. Because, as we all know, I do have a thing for pussy."

Eh, says Xander. I always thought your rep was a bit overblown. He shifts in the chair, sitting back against the wall. Things are beginning to feel normal again. The tension in the room has gone. And Xander is even teasing again. Look, maybe you’re bi, Ben. I could get behind that. Not literally. You know what I mean.

Ben makes a face. Shut up. He swigs his soda again. The thing I’m most confused about, though, is where the spanking fits in. Maybe I just like spanking, you know?

Maybe.

You done much of it?

Well, like I said, it’s kind of my thing. Spanking and…other stuff.

When did you start liking it?

Jesus, Ben.

What?

I’ve just—I’ve just always liked it. I’ve always known. Just like being gay.

Ben is quiet for a while, frowning. Spankee or Spanker? he asks.

Xander flicks the bottle top at him and starts laughing in earnest.

CHAPTER TWO

Once things have gone back to normal between them, Ben manages to stop thinking about his 'orientation' so much. He does his best to avoid Karl’s speculative looks back and forth between him and Xander, although Karl never says anything to him. Ben is having fun. He’s just finished final exams, he’s decided to chill for a year, maybe see if he can maybe break into screenwriting, and the coffee shop is a good place to work while he figures out his life.

He’s having fun with Xander. They hang out a lot these days, and they read a lot of plays and watch a lot of movies. Both of them have Industry dreams, Ben as a writer and Xander as an actor. It’s hard to live in LA and not catch that bug. So when they do watch movies, they break them down and talk about what worked and what didn’t.

Sometimes they just play console games together, competing to see who can shoot the most zombies.

And every night after Ben goes to bed, he jerks off to the memory of Xander’s face, his hands.

One night he’s overtaken by curiosity again. They’re at Ben’s place and they’ve just finished watching 2001: A Space Odyssey, which Xander loves (he’s a Kubrick fan) and Ben hates (he thinks Kubrick is far too cerebral to evoke true emotion in the audience).

What is it exactly that you like about whacking someone's ass? Ben asks, when they’ve reached consensus at least on the cinematography. In the last few weeks, he’s managed to establish that Xander prefers being the Spanker.

I don’t know, man, Xander groans. He’s already exhausted his Do we have to talk about this and Why do you want