Touched: The Untouched Series, #2

Chapter One

The day had been another horrendous test of my patience and emotions. I’d formally accepted the position of CEO of Raine Publishing House yesterday, and while that within itself would be cause to celebrate for anyone with aspirations such as mine, it somehow felt like a collar—I felt trapped. Aiden Raine, the newly appointed head of Raine Industries, had presented me with the offer, and from my perspective, I’d been coerced into acceptance. I couldn’t resign without risking my chances of securing a comparable position at any other reputable publishing company. Aiden had made it very clear that he would block every job opportunity that presented itself, and given his immeasurable resources, I knew he could and would halt all my efforts to leave RPH.

I didn’t understand him at all. Why was he doing this? Did he think it was the only way to keep me close? If that was his logic, he would soon discover it was pointless, because proximity didn’t matter—I could’ve been stuck to him like lint on a cheap suit and it wouldn’t change how I felt. I was done. At least that’s what I kept telling myself every hour—and so far, my reminders had proved effective. But I’d be lying if I said I knew how I would feel once I saw him again.

My new responsibilities at RPH required dedication and focus, yet each time I saw the RPH building, or even the logo, I felt a pang of betrayal. The first few days after Aiden’s departure were hard. I’d struggled to shake off the remnants of his effects, at least as far as work was concerned. But in regard to my personal life, I’d taken it one hour at a time.

I’ll see you in the morning, Raina, I said, walking past my assistant’s office door. She looked up from the file on her desk with perceptible concern in her beryl blue eyes.

How are you? I mean—how’s everything with Mr. Raine? she asked.

Everything’s fine...or as fine as can be expected, I replied bleakly.

Raina was my executive assistant, and I didn’t typically concern her with matters that weren’t related to RPH. However, she was now privy to some personal aspects of my life due to my involvement with her boss...actually my boss, too—Aiden Raine.

I can see the toll this is taking on you.  I’m willing to listen if you need someone, she offered.

I’ve had to digest more than my fair share of changes as of late, Raina, but I’ll be fine, I replied, though I was unsure as to the truth of that statement. Speaking of which, we need to rearrange some things on my calendar to prepare for our move to the top floor.

Yes, ma’am. I actually started revising your schedule this afternoon, she said.

I extended a smile, hoping it appeared genuine. Although I was very fond of Raina, I had no desire to discuss Aiden with her, or with anyone for that matter. I wasn’t in the mood for much more than complete isolation from everyone and everything.

Thank you, Raina. Don’t stay too late, I said, turning to leave.

I’d admitted, at least to myself, that my heart was breaking...a little more with each passing day. Aiden had filled a part of me I hadn’t known was empty. And for that I’d be forever grateful.

Beneath the pain was the reality of the end of whatever it was we’d shared. I missed Aiden, and his absence was profound. He was no longer the focal point of our business meetings, and the tempting interruptions to my work day were gone also. The texts that once made me smile, and often squirm in my seat, were over. The heat of his touch, the deep resonance of his voice, and the way his hypnotic eyes bored into mine—these were all etched into my brain. Memories were all I had left, and I couldn’t escape them. He was everywhere, yet he was nowhere at all.

Every morning, Aiden was my first thought, and I spent the beginning of each day reprogramming my brain, reminding myself that it was over, that he was gone, that it had all been a lie. This morning had been no different.

Every day I expected to hear from him, but there had been nothing. The first few nights after he left, I cried myself to sleep. Had the tears been just for him? I hadn’t figured that part out. Part of me wanted to think my despondence was less about him and more about what he represented. He’d given me something I’d never wanted, that I’d never dared think of—he’d given me hope.

And now, in the absence of that hope, I needed something to pour myself into. In the past—before Aiden—that something would have been work. I could have easily and quite happily worked for hours on end. My best friend April was convinced that I used work as a distraction from life’s pains—I didn’t see the point in denying it, because I did. Thanks to my recent choices though, I no longer had that crutch, because work was now tainted with thoughts of Aiden.

I let out a long disheartened sigh as I entered the Boston traffic, and headed toward the condo. Home didn’t feel the same either. It was no longer a refuge, because it, too, held memories of him. There was nowhere to run and nothing to run to. I’d broken pretty much every Fuck Rule in the book for that man, and now I was paying the price for it.

Things weren’t good, but they were bearable. I knew if I never saw Aiden again, I’d be okay. I could ride the wave until it all evened out. But I would be seeing him again, and I knew it would be soon, and I was dreading it. 

Aiden would be out of the country on business for the remainder of the week—not that he’d communicated with me, but a memo had gone out to that effect. He was visiting many of the overseas subsidiaries of Raine Industries, employing calculated strategies to strengthen an already mega-successful company—hence my recent promotion to CEO. We were initially informed he had plans to work at RPH the remainder of the week. Although I shouldn’t have, I couldn’t help but wonder what had transpired to alter his schedule.

Entering my condo, my eyes rested upon the largest physical reminder of Aiden—the piano. Aiden was just as impressive on paper as he was off, and one of his many talents was his ability as a pianist. I was completely blown away upon hearing him play. When I’d mentioned I wanted to learn, he offered to teach me. And typical of him, he’d gone one step further when I’d asked for his help in selecting a piano, by surprising me with a baby grand, complete with an inscription on the back panel that made me weak in the knees.

I was in love with music, and as a child I’d longed to play the piano, and if the desire to learn wasn’t so strong, I would have refused the lessons he’d arranged. As per his usual intrusive self, he had Raina fit in an appointment on my schedule with a local pianist who’d started weekly lessons with me. Each time I practiced, I was flooded with memories of Aiden and, needless to say, the lessons weren’t going as well as they could have. 

The ping of an incoming text pulled me from my thoughts. Smiling upon seeing the name of the sender, I quickly tapped a reply. I then dressed for my workout, grabbed my phone and headed downstairs to the gym. Stopping near the entrance, I tapped the control panel in search of a workout playlist. Once the sound of Disclosure’s Latch filled the room, I began stretching as my mind did the thing that had become the norm for me as of late. I wanted to stop thinking about it, but the memories popped in as often as they wanted. After a while, I convinced myself the mental replays were a good thing—I could retrace my steps and figure out where I’d gone wrong and what I should have done. But even after my mental critiques, the result was the same.

The last few months had split my world wide open. Blake Meade, RPH’s CEO at the time, had voiced his suspicions that RPH would be under a magnifying glass, but neither of us suspected the lens would be an intern named Aiden Wyatt.

We ultimately learned that Aiden was the son of Connor Raine, the CEO and President of Raine Industries. While I’d been extremely impressed with Aiden’s abilities during his tenure as an intern, after only one meeting with him in his capacity as CEO, I’d discovered he was much more of a powerhouse than I’d ever imagined. 

In one swift move, Aiden had relieved Blake of his duties as CEO and presented the position to me. I’d wanted to prepare Blake for his termination, but Aiden had forbidden it. I reached out to Blake after the dust had settled though—Aiden couldn’t stop that.

A week after the transition, Blake and I enjoyed a great discussion over lunch. He was disappointed, of course, but he was extremely happy for me. He went as far as to say, if he had to be replaced, he couldn’t have chosen a better successor. He was currently interviewing for an executive position with Little Brown that looked promising, and I offered to serve as a reference in any capacity. Although I could see he had questions, we didn’t discuss Aiden or Raine Industries.

Stepping onto the treadmill, I pressed the button for one of the pre-set workouts. My phone pinged a second time—it was Kellan again. My heartbeat quickened as I read the message. He was coming to Boston, and he wanted to see me.

Kellan and I started communicating soon after the Aiden debacle, mostly by text, and it was easy—no pressure. I could handle that. But an actual visit—I wasn’t sure I should go there while still wrapped up in my feelings about Aiden.

Ugh. I was so tired of processing. Although I wasn’t sure it was the best move, I replied telling Kellan it would be great to see him.

Returning focus to my workout, I started with a brisk walk which quickly transitioned into a full run. How amazing would it be if I could actually run from the aftermath of Aiden Raine? The fallout at RPH had been mild all things considered, but the internal explosion I was experiencing was shattering. And what made matters worse, I had no reference point. I didn’t know how to recover from a broken heart. Aiden had been my one and only relationship. I never engaged with men to the degree I had with Aiden...a fact that continued to confound me. He possessed a magnetism that I’d never encountered with any other man. It was undeniable and utterly indescribable. I totally lost all reason when it came to him. All my defenses abandoned me. It had felt as though I was doing things against my will, but at the same time I greedily savored every second of it. I was so sure I’d never suffer a broken heart, so I never gave much thought to it; yet here I was...the blubbering mess I’d despised.

I didn’t expect men to do anything more than lie and leave– two things my father had taught me. My abhorrence for love and relationships had festered for over a decade, so even the slightest of lies tapped into the pain and heartache of my past, and that was exactly what Aiden had done. He’d taken me back to the time when my father left. He’d reminded me that I shouldn’t trust men. That conviction and the fear of heartbreak had driven me for years. But even after this painful reminder from Aiden, I couldn’t stop wanting him, and that was the part that was tearing me up inside.

You’d think my past would be the stronghold I needed to make sure I never suffered this fate. Well, that and the other safeguards I had in place: I never mixed business with pleasure, I never had boyfriends and I never allowed anyone to get any closer than sex...but for the first time, all my precautions proved useless—Aiden had pushed them all to the side.

Everything about him had encapsulated me; I’d been held prisoner to his whims, his voice, and his touch. Even now with the absence of contact, I was somehow still his captive.

He’d changed me. He’d loved me. He’d damaged me. To be fair, I’d already been damaged though, long before he’d touched me. But how can someone so damaged suffer more damage without being irrevocably altered?

The intercom buzzed, and when I grabbed my purse to pay for the takeout I’d ordered, I thought of my first dinner with Aiden. He’d appeared at my door with food and I’d referred to him as a delivery guy.

Having poured a glass of wine, I sat at the table and then sighed as I realized I was thinking of him again. Was I in his thoughts as much as he was in mine? Was he thinking of me even a little?

When he’d made his abrupt exit in July, I’d heard nothing from him the entire time he was gone; however, when he resurfaced he’d said he’d missed me every day. He’d also told me that he loved me...yet he was gone. I didn’t fully know what it was like to feel love from a man, but I knew enough to realize this couldn’t be right.

Had he expected me to say it in return? That I loved him? Did I have the slightest idea of what love was? I did once...back then, when I was in Dayton living under the ruse of a happy family. I also knew how it felt to love my job or love my best friend, and even to love my mom again. But loving a man? This man? I didn’t know. I had told myself it was love. That he’d touched a part of me no one had ever come close to—a part I didn’t know existed. But was that love? Mom told me that I loved Aiden. If anyone knew love, it was her. The depth of her love for my father was so intense it nearly killed her.

And for that reason, for years, I only wanted men for sex, and I wanted it on my terms. Never had I desired anything remotely close to what I’d begun to share with Aiden. I hadn’t thought it possible for me to feel this way for a man, yet here I was, in a haze of want and confusion...and hurt. Actually, hurt was much too mild a description. I was burning. I was left with a gaping hole that threatened to exacerbate my already broken state. Sure, I’d been broken before Aiden, but I was nicely bandaged—and all the pieces were secure. I’d gotten by with that, and I had no desire for anything different. Unlike most, I was keenly aware of my dysfunction, and I was fine with it, until now...until him.

Every interaction with Aiden had entailed an undecipherable and potent mist that flowed freely from him to me, piercing me, changing me. I wanted to revert to my pre-Aiden state: happy, in love with my career and in control of my emotions. Yes, I’d been alone, but there was a reason I was alone; I was comfortable that way. Most of that comfort had rested in knowing that the distressed pieces of Aria Cason were safely locked away, lying there untouched. Now they were scattered about, taking life and penetrating the very essence of who I was...or who I’d thought I was. Aiden had somehow found the key to open that forbidden box and now I was frantically scrambling to close it again.

*****

After tossing and turning for hours, I finally fell asleep and into a dream that seemed so real that I’d bolted awake. In the dream, Aiden and I were hiking in the woods, and I’d somehow managed to fall behind. When he realized I was no longer trailing after him, he turned back and retraced his steps. Once I was in his line of vision, he began walking faster, and relieved to see him, I hurriedly advanced in his direction. With each step though, Aiden’s appearance altered. I slowed as I tried to make sense of what was happening. But when Aiden finally reached me, he was no longer himself—he was the spitting image of my dad. And when he reached out to me, I screamed—waking up, drenched and trembling.

Crawling out of bed minutes later, I stripped out of the wet clothes, tossed on a dry T-shirt, and headed to the kitchen for a bottle of water. The dream wasn’t hard to interpret. I’d placed so much distance between myself and the memories of my father, and I was attempting to do the same thing with Aiden, but my tactics proved futile; I couldn’t escape him...even as I slept. I hated him, and I hated what he made me feel. But would I take him back if his reason for leaving was one I could accept? I knew the answer was yes.

I thought back to the last few moments I’d spent alone with Aiden. When he’d left my office that afternoon, I’d stood there rubbing the lips he’d so savagely attacked with his kiss. Watching him walk away, it felt like my heart had stopped beating. Tears filled my eyes as my body slowly eased down the wall and onto the floor. It was as though I was inside a nightmare. Falling, falling, falling...wanting desperately to wake up before I hit the ground. But it wasn’t a dream and I wasn’t going to wake up.

I must have sat there for nearly an hour, wiping the seemingly endless flow of tears, each deep breath somehow failing to fill my lungs. Eventually I got up and fled from my office, not caring who saw me or what they thought.

Once in my car, I sped from the garage and darted toward the interstate. I’d wanted to drive fast enough and far enough until I disappeared. When I was away from the confines of the city, I still felt trapped, so I pulled over to the shoulder, lowered the top and then rejoined the flow of traffic. Turning up the volume as loud as it could go, I drove deep into the night as my hair blew crazily in the wind, drying the tears as quickly as they eased down my cheeks.

And now here I was...in my bed weeks later, curled up in my blanket, clutching my chest as I sobbed in the darkness of my bedroom. I was a mess, but I didn’t blame Aiden for my misery; I blamed myself. I allowed this to happen; I went along with all of it. And for the life of me, I didn’t know where to go from here.

Chapter Two

It had been a month since I’d last heard Aiden’s voice, with the exception of the voicemail messages he’d left. I’d finally forced myself to listen to them. The first was sinfully seductive, as was anything that escaped his lips. The second message was a bit more forceful but alluring all the same. The last message revealed his frustration, or maybe anger was a better word. I considered reaching out to him, but ultimately decided against it because I simply wasn’t prepared to reopen that door.

I’d pushed him aside just as I felt he’d done me, and his absence allowed for some of the pieces of my life to reassemble. The single good thing that had come of opening up to Aiden was that I was now rebuilding my relationship with my family, which added a different but happier layer to my life. I deeply regretted the amount of time and distance I’d placed between us over the years, but I was trying to make up for that now. We all were.

My sisters Lia and Bianca had blossomed into beautiful, mature young ladies, and I totally adored them. Mom was more and more like her old self—the animated, attentive mother I had wanted and missed for so many years. She’d sensed something was bothering me. I denied it, but she wouldn’t let it go. I was wary at first—thinking my story would remind her too much of her own—but despite my reservations, I finally broke down and told her. 

Mom, I don’t understand these feelings.

This is a new world for you, and I’m sure you’re fighting it at every turn, but I think you know exactly what you’re feeling for Aiden. You don’t want to admit it because it goes against who you’ve forced yourself to be for so many years.

I took in what she said—knowing she was right on both counts.

This can’t be what love feels like. Why does it hurt so much? I asked.

Because it’s real, Aria.

If this is love, I don’t want it. I don’t know how I can ever be the same after this.

Aria, I know you don’t want to hear this, but the truth is, you won’t be the same. The kind of love you feel for Aiden alters you.

It’s certainly done that. My life hasn’t been the same since the day I met him. It was as if I was someone else. I don’t like this. I hate feeling this way and I just don’t want it anymore, I said.

If you’re committed to letting him go, it’s going to take a while, and you’ll have some scars, but in time they’ll heal. 

I knew I’d have scars that would always be a reminder. But what I felt was far more than that; there was a gaping wound that I feared would never close. I was silent, attempting to hide the fact that I was crying.

Sweetheart, I think you should try to contact him. You two need to talk. Based on everything you’ve told me, I think you’ve jumped to some conclusions. This pain might all be unnecessary.

I don’t know how I could ever trust him. He lied. Every day I was with him was a lie. Not only did he lie over and over, he forced me into this freaking job and he’s been so cold-hearted about it all.

Aria, if you didn’t want that job, you didn’t have to accept it.

That was true—I didn’t. But my career was important to me. It was all I had.

It’s best to let this run its course so I can get back to being me. With him, I’d become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I don’t want to be, I replied.

I don’t want to pressure you, but please consider my advice. It wouldn’t hurt this badly if you didn’t care so deeply for him, sweetheart.

I don’t know how I feel. I just want my life back the way it used to be. I feel powerless in this situation...that’s not a feeling I’m comfortable with.

"Aria, you’re such a strong woman. I saw that strength and resilience in you as a child. You know who you are, and you know who you want to be. Never let anyone take that from you. You will bounce back from this because that’s who you are. Don’t ever forget that."

I won’t Mom, and I’m sorry for worrying you.

Please don’t apologize. I’m your mother, and you can come to me anytime with anything. I can’t begin to tell you how it feels that you’re sharing this with me. I didn’t think I would ever have the chance to be a mother to you in this way again. Her voice broke.

We were both silent for several minutes. I didn’t know how to respond to her. This felt strange, but at the same time it felt good. I didn’t want her to worry about me, but I was relieved I wouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for your advice. It means a lot, I said.

I hate that you’re hurting, and I’m here any time, day or night.  I love you, sweetheart.

I paused and let her words register. I also allowed myself a moment before replying, I love you too, Mom. I’ll talk to you soon. Tell the girls I said hello and that I love them. I can’t wait to see you all in a few weeks.

I’m anxious, too. It’ll be our first holiday as a family in so many years, she said.

I know. I’m so excited, I said.

I’ll talk to you soon.

Okay. Goodbye, Mom.

I pressed end on the phone and tossed myself across the bed and cried. It felt like someone had repeatedly kicked me in the stomach. I hadn’t told my mother the depth of the pain I was feeling, because I couldn’t. It would burden her too much—remind her too much of Dad.

Sitting up in bed minutes later, I wiped my tears. I was so grateful to have Mom to talk to about Aiden.  I would expect anyone else to think I was foolish to still feel the way I did for him, but not Mom. If anyone could identify with my pain, it was her. Funny how I thought it would be weird talking to her about a failed relationship, but it was as though she’d been in my life in that capacity all along. 

Her reassurance of my strength meant so much; I needed to hear it. And she was right.  I was Aria Gabrielle Cason, and I’d be damned if I empowered Aiden, or any man, to take that from me. I didn’t want to suffocate in the memories anymore. I didn’t want to miss him anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted my life back. The life I had before Aiden Raine.

Readjusting my thoughts over the next several days was a painful and lonely process. I couldn’t tell anyone the gravity of it all, not even my best friend, April. The talks with Mom helped, but it still felt impossible to reclaim my former self until the day I sat at my bureau and looked at my reflection and saw Melena Costanzo staring back at me—a woman with deep sodden eyes, malnourished, often catatonic, and just a mess. After the shock of seeing my mother in the mirror, a switch flipped—no way in hell would I become the person I’d fought over half my life to avoid.

My appetite for food and work—which had become nonexistent—finally came roaring back. I’d lost a little weight, which angered me. I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to travel down that dark path.

Aiden had permanently altered me. I accepted that. There was nothing I could do about what had happened, but I could learn from it. No one would be able to break my heart like this again. And I knew I needed to make some changes. I needed to live and I needed to love. I would no longer run from it; I would embrace it—but somewhat more cautiously than I had with Aiden.

Bright and early Monday morning, I walked into RPH in the same fashion as I had before Aiden—with my head held high and with the confidence that made everyone stop and take notice. I was eager to tackle the new challenges that accompanied my recent promotion. It was an invigorating feeling, one that readied me to take on any complication that RPH could present, even if that complication was Aiden Raine.

Good morning, Ms. Cason, Raina said, as I approached her desk. She took in my appearance and smiled. She knew I was back, too.

I returned her friendly exchange. Good morning, Raina, I replied, sauntering past her desk. Can I see you in my office, please?

Yes, ma’am, she replied, standing to follow me.

My new office was even more impressive than the previous one. It wasn’t overly extravagant—that wasn’t my taste. It was elegant in its simplicity, with lots of squares and clean lines. A handcrafted marble wall fountain imprinted with the RPH logo was on the side wall, and the back wall was all glass. A meeting table sat to the left of my desk, and there was a fairly large sized seating area on the right of the room, complete with a stocked bar.

After placing my purse on the rack, I walked toward my desk. I’d been unable to part with the one from the twenty-fifth floor—it was too much a part of me, so the interior decorator had brought in some additional furnishings to compliment it. She’d done such an amazing job, that I’d hired her to redecorate my condo. In deciding what I wanted to change, I opted to keep the piano, but I wanted a look that better accentuated Little V. I’d given her that name because each time I touched the keys, it reminded Virginia of Kingston. Shaking my head, I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about the secret names I’d coined our most intimate body parts.

Can you get Chase on the phone? I need to get him on board with the book tour, I said.

Yes, Ms. Cason. You also have a conference call at nine and a staff meeting at ten.

I should only need a few minutes to speak with Chase. We will not dance around his whims, I said. We have dozens of authors dying for this opportunity; it seems he’s forgotten that. He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Raina attempted to hide her smile at my last comment. I could see the relief in her eyes. She’d been worried about me. Well, that makes two of us, Raina.

And we need to get an appointment scheduled with Stephanie for the marketing campaign. We’re falling behind schedule.

Yes, ma’am.

Also, get in touch with Raquel; she needs to schedule a press release for the new paranormal series.

Mr. Raine’s assistant notified me that he would be joining us for today’s staff meeting, Raina said, carefully assessing my reaction.

No problem, Raina. Thank you for the heads up, I replied, as I continued looking through the many memos on my desk.

I wasn’t at all surprised by this news. Sure, I was affected, but I’d expected he’d pop in from time to time—to torture me if nothing else. He had the upper hand for now, but I was quickly moving toward a remedy for that. Although I would have preferred to maintain my position at RPH, I’d decided it was best if I moved on. Aiden would make it impossible for me to obtain a similar position in this industry, therefore I had Plan B. I’d been quietly seeking other opportunities, and if those failed, I’d been in contact with my investment banker and instructed him to take a few risks which were paying off handsomely. At this rate, I could retire very comfortably—not that I wanted to do that, but it was reassuring to know I didn’t need RPH.

Can you get the latest sales figures from accounting for me also? Adam was supposed to have gotten those to me yesterday.

Yes, ma’am.

That will be all for now, Raina, I said, looking up from my desk.

I’ll get started as soon as I return with your tea, she said.

Thanks, Raina.

A few minutes later, she entered with my favorite morning beverage. I’ll get Chase on the phone for you now, Ms. Cason, Raina stated as she placed the cup on my desk and exited my office.

Raina connected me with Chase—it was a very brief conversation. He was one of our most successful authors, and for some unknown reason, the publicity department had been unable to secure a date to launch his book tour.