Airplane Mode

May 21, 2015

Sasha

What the hell did you do? I scream, throwing my car door open. How loud did I yell that? What am I looking at?

It’s pitch black out, not a streetlamp in sight. It’s late and it’s also my college graduation night. I probably shouldn’t have been driving. I was at a bar with a handful of friends celebrating, and my little sister peeled off earlier in the night to go do God knows what. A few hours after Annie left the bar, she called, and of course I came running.

That’s my problem, picking up my sister’s messes, or trying to cover them up. Annie is four years younger than me, sometimes it feels like it’s more than that. Since mom left, I’ve felt like I’ve needed to protect her, and be there for her. Lately, it’s becoming more than just being there for her. It’s becoming lots of pieces to pick up and messes to cover.

Tonight, I’ve officially finished college. I finally have a bachelor’s degree in hand, and the whole world is open to me. I know exactly what I’m going to do. The past few years have been hard. Tiring really, but so worth it. I am getting out of this town.

* * *

Meeting Annie on the road, there was debris everywhere, and smoke from another car was billowing against the tree it was wrapped around. As per usual, Annie didn’t seem to have a scratch on her. I could smell the alcohol on her. At 18, this is Annie.

I can’t wait to leave this place.

Annie knew I was leaving Georgia in two weeks and moving to New York.

I’ve told her for years that I’m leaving after graduation, and this is what she does? Tonight was supposed to be a great night, it was my night. But here we are.

Annie’s lost her way, and I think tonight puts the cherry on top.

How do we fix this, this time?

Sash, you can’t call the police, Annie demands.

Let me think, I exclaim back, pacing up and down the road. The couple in the other car haven’t moved, haven’t made a sound.

May 21, 2019

4 years later

Sasha

I’m rescheduling. I have to. I can’t take a night of Mel right now. Not on this anniversary. Pacing around my studio apartment, I talk myself into canceling on Mel.

I grab my cell phone and type out, Hey hun, I’m sorry this is last minute but I’m not in the mood to go out tonight, work killed me today. Lie.

I know I could probably use some cheering up, but work was long, it was a hot day, and I’d honestly just prefer to be a shut-in tonight. I know those are excuses. Mel didn’t have to work outside anymore; she found a new job and left the organization, six months ago now. Lucky.

Even though four years have passed, this night still haunts me. Someone else had to find out, eventually, right? How could no one else know? Looking down at my palms, a chill runs right through me. Every May 24th was the same. It never got easier. I didn’t forget. I know Annie didn’t forget either, Annie took it extremely hard and hasn’t healed. I was forced to make a few painful decisions once I settled in New York. I had to move on with my own life.

After three months in New York, Annie tracked me down to a room I was renting. I couldn’t be there for her anymore. I couldn’t help her. I had to move. I had to disconnect. Why couldn’t she do the same?

After Annie found me, I was determined to start over. I needed to be lost in a city I had never been to, to find myself and make a life for myself. One way or another I was going to do it and to get it, I had to make some drastic changes.

I told Annie, I needed space. I needed an opportunity to be who I’m supposed to be, even if I don’t know who that is. So, I moved. I changed my phone number, I dyed my hair, and the last thing on my list, change my last name. Sasha Butler would no longer exist. My past couldn’t track me down and haunt me anymore.

* * *

Moving to sit down on my papasan, glass of wine in hand, I grab my laptop with my free hand. Opening a new window, I type, Annie Butler, Georgia, into the search bar. Clicking on a link for Lowndes County Sheriff’s Office, Annie’s most recent mugshot popped up. God, she looks strung out. She probably was. Scrolling down to see the charge, Petty Theft, Misdemeanor. Is this her fifth? Sixth? I can’t remember. I shake my head and take a good, long sip of wine. Annie isn’t a stranger to the sheriff’s office. When she was younger, she normally would get charged with possession, it was always something with her. Annie got worse after the accident, and after I left. I can’t look away from her most recent mug shot. When was this charge? Three...four weeks ago.

Picking my cell phone up to see if Mel’s responded to me blowing her off, Nothing, I figured Mel would have responded by now. It wasn’t strange to not receive an immediate response from her, she was a busy woman nowadays, with her new job.

Mel and I kept monthly diners after she left Seed City, to keep up a friendship, and it was nice. We could sometimes kill four hours together, sitting, laughing, and drinking margaritas together. We’d talk politics, dreams, and what was currently going on in our lives. I miss working with Mel. Tonight though, I knew I couldn’t handle hearing about the plans of her family’s upcoming summer vacation, at their lake house upstate. Mel and I truly couldn’t have been more different, well at least our childhoods couldn’t have been more different. I know Mel escaped from her family’s conversative, Republican, Catholic household. In college, Mel focused on Sociology and Women’s Studies, a similarity between us. Mel often spent our dinners complaining about her parent’s unsolicited advice and comments about how she frequently skips church and dinner on Sundays. Mel was an only child, unlike me. I had Annie, or I used to have Annie.

Ding

I reached out to grab my cell phone, seeing Mel responded, I read, Hey! It’s ok, when do you want to reschedule? It’s been a long week anyway, even though it’s only Tuesday LOL! I’m in town all week.

When do I want to reschedule? My mind wasn’t on rescheduling yet, I know I needed to though. Mel deserved that and I couldn’t hide forever. Want to do Friday? Have any plans? Did you still want to come volunteer in the garden Saturday morning, if so, we could grab brunch after? Hitting send, I exhaled. Mel volunteered to get her hands dirty, even after leaving the organization, Mel frequently popped up to one of the community gardens where I managed programs. I don’t have the energy to go out, but please come volunteer. I set my laptop down onto the carpet and grabbed the remote to flic on my tiny TV screen which awkwardly sat among my books on a shelf.

* * *

Mel

Sasha wants to reschedule, I said to Douglas, barely through the front door. I’m exhausted, I clocked 124 hours over these last two weeks and could use an evening on the couch. Arriving back in New York on Sunday, I have no travel plans for a couple weeks, at least.

I have a coveted almost one month at home, in the same city, in the same downtown, high-rise office and honestly, I could use it.

I wanted to follow up with Sasha about my HR issue, feeling a bit down that Sasha canceled. I wonder if Sasha is ok? It’s so unlike her to reschedule, she doesn’t do anything, I say aloud to myself in the kitchen.

Pouring a beer and putting the TV on is a rare opportunity for me. My only commitment this evening was Sasha, not volunteer work, staying late at the office, or attending an event with my fiancé.

I’ll reschedule with Sasha this weekend, I’m going to go to the garden Saturday morning anyways, I announce, looking at Douglas as I plop down on the couch, beer in hand, justifying my well-earned laziness to myself. You don’t care, do you?

Moving my knees around on the couch, I grab my phone off the coffee table to respond to Sasha.

Tonight would have been nice. Douglas has been watching TV and is on hour infinity on the computer probably. I get it. I still want to run my HR issue by you, maybe if you want to talk on the phone tonight? If not, Saturday totally works. I just have to spend the next few days with this. I’ll be volunteering too! Let’s do brunch, mimosas please!

Do I even bother? Pausing before I hit send, Nope, she canceled on me. I can rant a little bit. Hitting send, I sip my beer and refocused on what Douglas was watching on the TV.

Ding.

I reached for my phone, opening my messages, Sasha replied.

Again, I’m sorry. I know it’s shitty of me. Ya, call whenever you’d like. I’m home.

I’m going into the other room to call Sasha, I say to Douglas. Getting off the couch, I wonder if he even heard me?

I looked down at Douglas, Ok, he responded, without looking up.

Lately it feels like I’m playing the role of a roommate. Is that what couples are when they move in together, only roommates?

Walking into our bedroom, I close the door, turn on a small lamp, and open the curtains to the balcony doors. I love this room and its view. It makes me happy, even when he doesn’t. We do have a nice home together.

Dialing Sasha’s number, I took a seat on the edge of our bed.

Hey lady, you ok?

I’m sorry about tonight. Ya, I’m fine, just feeling kind of bummy and want to stay home, Sasha responded.

She sounds glum.

Ok, well no worries about dinner. I’ll see you Saturday. I need to talk to you about work actually.

Since taking my new job, there’s been new pressures, new craziness, but also, I have to deal with a true asshole who probably thinks he’s god’s gift to this earth. Leaving the nonprofit sector was sad, but I wanted more for myself, and now I feel it’s too much. I know where this mister asshole is wrong, I just have to figure out how to approach it. Sasha is a couple years older than me and has been working longer, I know she could give me some advice on this.

"Oh, what’s up with work? I thought you’ve been loving it? Sasha asks, sounding surprised.

Crossing one leg over the other and taking a sip of my beer before I answer, I share, My HR process is bullshit. We added on a new Communications Trainer to our team, and he is acting like my supervisor. He’s been dubbed ‘Mr. Asshole,’ I at least call him that. He transferred from another area. Even though I’ve been on this team longer, I am still new to the company, but he’s decided to give me assignments and dictate how I do things.

Well, where is your supervisor in this? Sasha asked.

Ha! Mostly supervising from 20,000 feet up, Oh, I’m complaining now. See, the problem is, if I go to HR, I also have to let my direct supervisor know I am making a complaint. HR will also tell her I came in and made a complaint. I thought the point of going to HR was to avoid my boss.

At least you have an HR department now, could be worse Sasha pointedly reminds me. Sweetie, you need to talk to your boss. Even though she may seem as if her head is in the clouds, you can help keep her grounded by letting her know what is actually going on. She might put her foot down and set some things straight with this guy.

Damnit. Sasha always knows what to say. She’s right.

Mel, what, the worst that could happen is nothing and if so, then you should actually go to HR, Sasha said, nailing her point on the head.

You’re right, I said to my best friend. Always right. At least I have an HR department now.

Exactly! You could be much worse off; you could have to work with an asshole only with me to take the edge off! Sasha laughingly added.

Thank you, Sash. You’re right, I need to talk to HR. I realize I’ve only been here a few months, but I’ve been kicking ass and I know I can’t take what this guy is doing. It’s not right at all. Well...anything new with you? I’m sorry you’re not up for going out. Will she actually share with me about what’s going on? She never cancels.

Not much on my side of the neighborhood, the organization still sucks, but I have an interview on Friday! Sasha said, nervously.

* * *

Sasha

Ya not much going on. Don’t mind me tonight. I need to give Mel something though. She is too nosey. Interview! Mention the interview.

An interview! Finally!! Where? Doing what? Mel screamed into the phone.

Pulling the phone away from my ear, Oh my gosh calm down, ha-ha, don’t jinx it, please.

Sorry, that’s so exciting! I’m so excited for you! Forget my HR issue, tell me everything. Mel said.

Well, it is for an Operations Manager position at a solar company, or a green building product company. I know absolutely nothing about it, quite honestly. But I know I could do well at the job, it pays much more than Seed City, and has great benefits too. Not the pay or travel benefits Mel gets at the engineering firm, but it’s better than continuing to spend my life digging in the dirt for pennies.

Sash, that’s so exciting! Well, it sounds good so far! You’ll have to let me know how it goes! Mel said.

Of course! I exclaim, happy to be near the end of our conversation. I’m going to let you go, I need to start dinner.

No problem, thanks for letting me call. I guess I’ll be visiting my boss and HR tomorrow. I’ll let you know how that goes. Have a good night! Mel said thankfully, before ending the call.

Whew. My brain. Shaking my head, I set my wine glass, cell phone, and laptop down.

Mel and I met working at Seed City together, the organization supports local, organic community garden programs across Brooklyn. The work is fulfilling, exhausting, dirty, and almost easy. We were, I still am passionate about the work and the outcomes. What I am not passionate about is the meager pay, poor upper management, and the seemingly hopeless cycle all non-profit missions and organizations appear to be stuck in. Mel and I have been determined to leave the organization, find positions which would pay us what we deserved, or at least what would allow us to be able to make a living and not live from mediocre paycheck to mediocre paycheck.

Mel got out first. She was crafty or smart about it, I’ll admit that. Mel used her connections from the organization. Mel served as the Volunteer Coordinator and luckily, large corporations used the organization to carry out their once-a-year volunteer work. The purpose and outreach of Mel’s role was of course positioned to make corporate employees feel better about their for-profit work and share their efforts on social media. I’m sure the big-heads and CEO’s of giant for-profit businesses of the world serve as if they all believe that corporations who connect with the local community are corporations who care. Give me a break. Yeah, ok, the once-a-year donation of time or financial support gives back to the community in which they take no part in actually supporting year-round. Ah, yes corporate America. It’s a beautifully flawed thing.

Anyways, Mel reached out to one of these corporations. She walked away with a little over a $23k increase and a new, swank downtown Manhattan, high-rise office. Holy cow! We celebrated, threw imaginary confetti into the air, and cheered. It was then when we started our monthly dinners. I haven’t canceled on her before, except now I canceled tonight. I know Mel supports me leaving and finding something to balance out my life a bit better. If she could do it, I could do it too!

Trying to find a new job though has been difficult. It’s been a horribly, rejection in the face over and over again hard road. But I’m staying optimistic about Friday. Fingers crossed!

I’ve accepted the grunge