Butcher's Babygirl

PROLOGUE

TONI

Fall 2005

Another week down in the drama that was high school, and my best friend, Fern, and I were waiting outside for her sister to arrive. Aisling Butcher had been my secret obsession since I hit puberty, but she’d been an out and proud lesbian forever. Fern and I were lifelong friends since we met on the first day of kindergarten. Aisling was the older sibling who had never really wanted us hanging out too much, especially when she’d started high school. She was better now that we were older, but not by much.

We’d formed a bit of a truce when I came out as bisexual the previous year. She’d given me and Fern a safe space in her crappy off-campus apartment. As much as I loved my parents, they weren’t understanding, so I hid securely in the closet outside Fern and Aisling. When I’d come out as a transgender girl a few months earlier, I’d waited for my friends not to be as cool about it. That hadn’t happened, and surprisingly Aisling let us hang out more and more.

What’s going on? I asked.

I don’t know. Aisling said she was picking us up and to wait. You know she only does what she wants. And god forbid someone tells her no.

Most people thought Aisling was an asshole, and she was, but it was about her not giving a shit about what people thought of her or what she did with her life. She was going to college with plans to join the police academy afterward. She’d already had her life planned out. I loved how self-assured she was, and I was jealous I couldn’t be me until I turned eighteen. Transitioning would have to wait until I moved out of my parents’ home.

I still had doubts if I was doing or feeling the right way. I still wore my boy clothes. I shaved in the hope the peach fuzz covering my face would thicken and make me look less androgynous. I worked to keep my voice deep. Fern and I pretended to be more than friends. I hated looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing the me I knew I was. The realization something wasn’t right was when Fern started her period, had to buy her first bra, and her hips got wider, and I was envious.

A horn beeped, and we looked in the direction to find Aisling’s car idling in the pickup lane. We rushed to get in. Fern hopped in the back, and I rode up front.

What’s the big secret? Fern demanded an answer as soon as we pulled toward the exit.

You two can wait.

Aisling had her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. She played rugby every weekend with a bunch of her friends and worked out with them several times a week, so she was more muscular than the girls I knew. Her t-shirt showed off her thick bicep as she rested her wrist on the top of the steering wheel, and she slightly slouched in the seat. She had this confidence that you didn’t see in a lot of nineteen-year-olds. I think that had a lot to do with the open and honest relationship she had with her parents. Nothing was off-limits for conversation in her family. Anyone could discuss anything without fear of rejection.

That security wasn’t present in mine to that degree. My dad and I had a great relationship, we spent hours at his garage talking, and he was always affectionate. He’d told me about his dad being emotionally unavailable, which he’d said was pretty much standard for that generation. But he wanted to make sure I never thought emotions were bad things. My mother was the opposite. She was strict, and her Church was everything. God is good all the time was her favorite line, and she said if we lived by the Lord’s word, then He would take care of us. I didn’t know if I believed as deeply or easily as she did, but Church wasn’t an option, so I went when she told me to go.

I darted a glance at Aisling just in time to find her looking at me as we waited at a red light.

You have to be home a certain time? she asked as she pushed the gas pedal.

No, Mom has her women’s group, and Dad has to work late. So, the usual curfew.

I’ll get you home in plenty of time.

When we reached her apartment, she pulled into a spot in front of her building. The place was falling apart and mostly housed college students. There were always the lingering scents of weed and cigarette smoke, and when the sun went down, a lot of parties broke out. I never let my parents know when I went to her place. They wouldn’t approve of their teenager hanging out with college kids.

Come on, we’ll take care of what we need to do, and then I’ll order pizza or Chinese before I get y’all home. The driver’s door creaked as if it were about to fall off the hinges.

I shot a glance at Fern, who still looked confused, but we followed anyway. Aisling waved and talked to a few people she seemed to know. She turned down the invitation to smoke or come in for a beer. When a few of the guys checked out Fern, she made sure they backed off her sixteen-year-old sister. She had this husky voice that deepened slightly when she was pissed.

We took the stairs to the fourth floor and huddled around her as she unlocked her apartment door. I knew she worked odd jobs, even worked as a bouncer at some clubs. Her parents had tried to pay for everything. She’d refused and said she’d make her own way. I liked that about her, too—her independence.

The interior was dark. There was the scent of Nag Champa incense in the air. She jiggled her key out of the lock, and we entered. I was still unsure of why she was being so secretive. The lights turned on, and there was a pile of wrapped presents on the table, in the hottest pink I’d ever seen outside of neon. They looked so out of place in the apartment and its thrift store furniture. It wasn’t Fern’s birthday. That had happened months before.

So, what are we doing here? You’re being weirder than normal.

Aisling glared at Fern, and for the first time, Aisling spread her hand along my lower back. She led me to the coffee table. Go ahead. They’re all yours. She didn’t say anything else as she flopped into a recliner listing dangerously to the side.

I turned to Fern, and she shrugged her shoulders and walked around to the couch to sit down. I tossed my backpack to the floor and reached for the first box. It was about shirt-sized, and I carefully ripped the paper. I felt Aisling’s full attention on me. Yet, I forced myself not to look at her. I tried never to focus on her because I feared she’d see my interest. That would be embarrassing.

My body went strangely a mixture of hot and cold as I removed the top of the box, and in wrinkled white tissue paper rested a pretty, yellow sundress, and I dropped everything but the dress. I held the too-soft cotton in my left hand as I shot a glance at Aisling. She was smiling, full-on with lips and eyes.

What— My voice broke, and I darted my gaze to find Fern as shocked as me.

I know you can’t be you at home, but here, in my shitty place, you can be. I got you other stuff. She motioned with her hands for me to open the rest, but I didn’t want to put the dress down.

I opened present after present, and a pile of makeup, silicone breast inserts, panties, bra, and even a pair of shoes formed. The more I looked, the more I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Go on, try everything on and then come out and let us see.

I didn’t know what to say. Thank you didn’t seem to hold enough weight. I gathered up everything but the makeup, rushed to her bedroom, and locked myself inside. Voices were muffled on the other side. With shaking hands, I stripped away my clothes and put on the items she bought me. There was no mirror in her bedroom for me to take in my appearance.

I fought with my fear and exhilaration. I’d never dreamed of anything like this. It was a reality in the distant future when I could be free, and I’d found my place in the world. My hand shook on the doorknob, and it took me several times to open it.

When I stepped out, Fern was staring at me with even more tears, and Aisling had her back to me as she placed a full-length mirror in a corner that I’d never seen before. She turned to the side, and she still had the smile, the one that said she was happy for me. I couldn’t understand why she did it. None of the stuff she bought me could’ve been cheap, and she was a broke college student.

Did I get the fit right?

I couldn’t answer, just nodded. The items, even the bra, seemed to be made for me, and my bare feet sunk into the cheap, ugly carpet, but at that moment, the rundown apartment was like a mansion. Aisling held out her hand, and I took it. I purposely avoided my reflection and instead kept my eyes on her but then let them close.

Come on, babygirl. Look how beautiful you are. She moved behind me with her hands on my hips and positioned me in front of the mirror. I almost protested when she moved away. Take your time. We’re in no rush.

I heard the creaking of the recliner. I kept my breaths deep and even. My secret wish would be revealed as soon as I opened my eyes and looked at myself. I inhaled for a count of eight, and as I exhaled, I opened my eyes to take in the stranger staring back at me.

The yellow of the dress was so startling and beautiful against my dark, brown skin. The top of it flowed over the falsie stuffed cups, and the full flowing skirt gave the impression of hips. Sobs broke through my fight to contain them.

Isn’t she beautiful, sis? Aisling asked, and I caught her staring at me in the mirror. There was something soft and strange about her expression. She had her elbow rested on the arm of the chair, and her chin rested on her upraised hand.

That was the moment I knew I was in love with Aisling Butcher and always would be.

1

BUTCHER

Sixteen Years Later

The loud pounding on my bedroom door woke me up, and I frowned as I pushed the slender arm off my chest. I threw my legs over the edge of my bed and pushed up, stumbling to the door in nothing but my boxer briefs. I knew who waited on the other side, and she’d seen me naked more times than I could count in our years as friends and roommates. Throwing open the door, my sister’s best friend Toni stood there glaring at me. She as a goddess; sexy and perfect and her simple presence tortured me every day .

Good morning, babygirl. I smirked at her massive eye roll.

What did I tell you about bringing women home, Butcher?

Gag them?

Exactly. She stormed off down the hall with her bright bonnet covering her hair and robe still on.

What the hell time is it?

Five a.m. If I can’t sleep, you’re not sleeping.

Aw, baby, you know you love me. I chuckled as she flipped me off over her shoulder. Make coffee.

I went back to the bed and the nameless woman on it. Did we even exchange names? I shrugged as I shook the woman awake.

"Time for you to go, my