Soul Man

CHAPTER 1

Death is not the end. For me, it marked a new beginning.

It was a frosty Sunday afternoon in February in Kansas City. Snow was forecast for that night, although they expected little accumulation. The gray overcast skies darkened the day, accurately reflecting my feelings as I arrived at Panera Bread near the Country Club Plaza.

Keep it together. I can’t give my wife the satisfaction of seeing me have a breakdown. I thought to myself as I went inside.

My divorce attorney, Amy Fitzgerald, met me there. She came highly recommended by a friend who recently suffered his own need for her services.

The divorce had not been my idea, although admittedly, my stupid indiscretion precipitated the process. However, Linda’s rapid escalation from anger to divorce led me to believe separating had already been on her mind. My actions only hastened the inevitable and provided the excuse.

I arrived first, naturally. I hated being late—for anything, which was in stark contrast with my soon-to-be ex-wife. I considered arriving ten minutes early, on time. Linda thought getting there ten minutes late was too soon.

I had just settled down at a table when Amy made her appearance, dressed in a sharp blue business suit, black purse over her left shoulder, and a brown portfolio stuck under her right arm. She cut a nice picture. Being with an attractive woman, even if it was strictly professional, dulled some of the pain. I appreciated her being on-time.

I rose to greet her, taking her offered hand in mine and giving her a quick, friendly shake. Her hands were soft, but her grip firm.

I know Linda’s attorney, Donald McFadden, Amy began after we exchanged pleasantries and secured our coffee and pastries. He is aggressive, to say the least. Some call him cutthroat.

Amy was in her early thirties, with bottle-blonde hair, blue eyes, and matching blue-frame glasses. She came up to my lower lip, making her about 5’4" tall, or a couple of inches shorter than Linda. Amy possessed an appealing, athletic build with a disarming smile.

Fortunately, she continued, Kansas does not recognize infidelity as grounds for divorce. So, the primary issues are dividing the assets and child custody. You told me there would be no alimony, correct?

I shook my head.

If anyone were to get alimony, it would be me, given having no income, thanks to the suspension of my license. But I should be okay. I hired a young psychiatrist to take over my practice until my suspension ended.

What about custody?

Custody—sounds like someone’s being arrested. In a way, it is a type of prison. Only I’m the one locked out rather than in. How am I going to survive without Anthony and Brittany welcoming me home every night?

The thought nearly had me tearing up, again.

Stop it. You’re going to lose it in front of your attorney. If you can’t hold yourself together now, what hope do you have when meeting with Linda and her attorney?

Amy continued as she referred to her notes, You mentioned you agreed on joint custody, with the kids living primarily with her. You will have them on weekends and at some points during the summer. Is this correct?

I nodded. The biggest issue remaining is making sure our assets get divided equitably, so I can make it until I start earning money again.

At least Linda is making the divorce as easy as possible. But that doesn’t change the fact she wanted it in the first place. I made one mistake. One. Don’t people deserve a second chance?

Let's see what we have. With that, she pulled a stack of papers from her satchel.

The rest of the conversation was rather boring—reviewing details of our assets, etc. I did not expect a problem as Linda and I had talked (against our attorneys' wishes) and agreed in principle on most things. It was about getting the divorce that we disagreed.

We met on Sunday because that was the only time everyone could get together. Linda always put work first, and her schedule was often chaotic. I’m sure the kids were at her parents’. I wondered if they knew what their mother was doing.

Then the time to leave had come—time to terminate my marriage—eighteen years of my life. Eternal love no longer. Two wonderful kids. How could it just end?

Amy said she would meet me at McFadden's office because she wanted to freshen up a bit first. Why do women have to speak in code when they need to go to the bathroom?

Outside, the darkening gray clouds and chilly air furthered my gloom.

McFadden’s office was only a few blocks away. I pulled into the parking lot, my mind numb, emotions drained. I wiped away the tears that had formed and begun their trek down my cheeks.

As I parked my car in the second row, a metallic blue BMW 6 Series car identical to mine parked a few cars away caught my attention. What were the odds? It even looked to be the same model year—2021. At least whoever owned it had good taste.

I locked the car and ambled towards the front door. Despite the chill, I needed the slow pace to steel myself, knowing what lay inside.

When I entered, the air provided misleading warmth. A receptionist greeted me, a perky brunette in her late 20s. I wondered why they had a receptionist come in on a Sunday. Was she here only for this meeting? If so, was it policy or for show?

Can I take your coat? she asked with a disarming smile and sparkling bright green eyes matching her top.

I smiled and raised my hand, declining. No offense, but the less time I spend in this building, the better. I suspect I will want to make a quick escape.

She smiled and nodded knowingly, then led me to a nearby conference room. The room reeked of money, with rich mahogany furniture, including a beautiful table and a set of six high-back chairs. Four blank legal pads accompanied by an expensive pen lay on the table in front of each chair. Floor to ceiling bookcases lined each wall, save for the large picture window. Outside, bright white flecks floated down from their lofty perch; each one unique, yet all the same.

I took off the aforementioned navy-blue cashmere overcoat, draped it across the back of a chair, and sat in the one next to it.

Can I get you a refreshment? the receptionist asked.

I don’t suppose you can get me a Scotch?

She chuckled and shook her head.

I flashed a brief smile. A Diet Coke would be great.

She nodded and went over to a refrigerator hidden inside one of the mahogany cabinets. Retrieving a soda, she made her way to me and handed me a can of nicely chilled Diet Coke. The others will join you shortly. With a warm smile, she left.

Having seen Linda's car in the parking lot, I knew she was already here, probably discussing strategy with her attorney before our meeting. I strongly suspected keeping me waiting would be part of their plan. I pulled out my phone and settled back, making myself comfortable.

Amy arrived shortly thereafter. She was accompanied by the receptionist, who, without asking, went to the refrigerator and retrieved another Diet Coke. Amy smiled and thanked her by name—Sonya—as she settled into the chair next to me.

Damn, why didn’t I ask Sonya for her name? I’m so consumed with my own troubles, I’ve forgotten common courtesy.

We exchanged small talk for a few minutes before Linda and her attorney joined us.

I caught a whiff of my wife's favorite perfume as I rose from my chair. Perhaps more than anything, the fragrance brought home the significance of the occasion, rekindling happy memories—of our love, our family, followed quickly by overwhelming grief. I struggled to keep it hidden.

Why was she in such a rush to get a divorce? The affair lasted all of one month. I should never have told Linda…stupid! Next day, I’m shopping for a new place to live. Now, six weeks later, she’s filing for divorce, and my license suspended for a year.

I fought to keep my eyes from leaking. Being too damn sensitive was a perpetual problem for me. At least it made me more empathetic with my clients.

I couldn’t help admiring my wife. She looked stunning, as she often did. Linda had long, black hair with brown eyes and a disarming smile, which she knew how to use. She was usually the most attractive woman in the room, no matter how large the space.

The attorney's appearance took me back. This man could have passed for my brother—my older brother. He had my dark brown hair, although his was sprinkled with specks of gray. I put him in his mid-to-late-forties. Adding to the similarities, he also had my hazel eyes, height, and a similar formerly athletic build. To be honest, though, it appeared he still exercised on occasion. He wore an expensive tailored suit, complete with matching hanky and silk tie, and a Rolex adorned his wrist. That's where the similarities ended, as I had on khakis and a polo shirt. The way he stood, completely erect, with shoulders back, head extended, exuded extreme confidence, if not arrogance.

After making brief eye contact with me, he turned his attention to Amy. His eyes sparkled, and a slight smile formed as he gave her a quick nod. They clearly knew each other.

Linda spoke first after giving me one of those disarming smiles. Dr. Reynolds.

I nodded. Dr. Reynolds, I replied. The routine never got old. We met at medical school where I was a fourth year, and she a lowly first year. What started as an innocent conversation in the cafeteria became a romance that eventually led to marriage and two kids. I went into psychiatry while Linda became a Pulmonary/Critical care specialist. Linda surprised me when we got married by taking my last name. It turned out she was old-fashioned. I had assumed she would keep her last name of Jacobson when we got married, which would have been fine with me.

She grinned, which seemed silly, given the circumstances. David, let me introduce my attorney, Donald McFadden. Don, this is my husband, David.

I took a step forward and extended my hand. Nice to meet you, Don.

He took my hand with a firm grip, perhaps a bit too tight. Good meeting you as well, Mr. Reynolds, he said with a wry smile.

Any friendly thoughts I might have had instantly disappeared. No doubt, referring to me as Mr. instead of Dr. was a deliberate slight and a reminder of my currently suspended license. Message delivered. It also made me think he might have been the one to have turned me in.

I like your coat, he added, nodding at my overcoat. I have one just like it…Pinstripes?

I nodded, knowing he referred to the men's store on the Plaza and not the suit pattern. To have so much in common with this asshole greatly bothered me, and I was confident in my characterization of him.

However, throughout the meeting, Don acted professionally and cordially. Yet his body language and eyes glared hostility toward me. It felt personal. Why? I anticipated some from my wife, not her attorney.

The opposite was true when he gazed at Amy. She returned his friendly demeanor, even flashing a slight smile on occasion.

Did she just bat her eyes at him?

So what if they were friends outside the office? The possible conflict did not bother me. Linda and I agreed on the primary issues and wanted to make this divorce as painless as possible. Not just to get it over, but to protect the kids. Contested divorces adversely affect the children caught between warring parents. We were committed to minimizing their pain. Their parents splitting hurt them enough, no need to make it worse.

Yet, this bothered Don, who acted like a caged tiger, waiting to pounce on his helpless prey. Fortunately, his professionalism prevented him from sabotaging the proceedings. Perhaps having Amy by my side helped.

While Linda and I desired a painless process, it was not a quick one. Many assets needed to be reviewed, evaluated, and divided equitably. Fortunately, Linda had no desire to punish me further, knowing being separated from the kids punished me more than anything else could. She was right.

After ninety long minutes, we reached an agreement on everything. No fists flew. No tempers flared. All very civil. Partly because I gave in whenever an issue came up. While the divorce may have been inevitable, my actions were the precipitating cause. Guilt is a powerful force.

After the meeting, we all shook hands. Linda and Don took the elevator upstairs to finish the paperwork. Given it had gone about as well as it could have, I did not rush out. Instead, I played the gentleman and waited for Sonya to retrieve Amy's coat, so she and I could walk out together.

The air had grown chillier outside. The gray sky was now black, the darkness interrupted only by city lights and tiny white specks floating down innocently, swirling in the light wind, reflecting rainbows from the streetlights. Flecks, like God's dandruff, momentarily appeared on my shoulders before disolving.

Amy congratulated me on surviving the proceeding, although that’s like being praised for surviving a car wreck with only severe injuries. Exchanging small talk, I escorted her to her car. She informed me that the paperwork would take a few days to be completed before it was ready for my signature. She anticipated no surprises or problems.

I opened the car door for her.

Thanks, David. Amy smiled and slipped into the driver’s seat.

I still believe in old school chivalry. Thanks again for your help, Amy. Have a pleasant evening.

I know I’m not. A bottle of bourbon with my name on it awaits me in my new home, and I fully intend to utilize its numbing abilities.

As I turned to make my way to my car, I bore the blast of an emotional tsunami washing over me, halting me in my tracks. My marriage was over. Eighteen years of living with one woman, gone with a stroke of a pen. No kids running around, no sharing their every triumph and turmoil. My stomach added its protest, threatening to reject my lunch. Water welled in my eyes, preparing to escape as flakes of snow touched my cheek, melting instantly.

Her smile, her laugh, her fragrance, her gentle touch. God, I still love her. What the hell am I doing?

I resumed my erect crawl toward the car, completely distraught, aware of nothing but my sorrow.

The emotional fog enshrouded me as I reached for the door handle. To my surprise, the door failed to open. I tried again and again, with each repetition leading to increasing frustration, then giving way to anger.

Haven't I been through enough today?

I rammed my hand into my pocket and withdrew my keys. Spying the unlock button, I repeatedly mashed on it, to no avail. Frustrated and angry, I banged on the door, cursing loudly—mad at the door, mad at the divorce, mad at Linda, mad at McFadden, mad at me, mad at the world.

Somehow in my anger, I noticed a Starbucks coffee cup in the cupholder. I did not have coffee in the car today—I hadn't been to a Starbucks in weeks. Feeling very foolish, I realized I was at the wrong car. Anger became embarrassment, which only made me madder.

As I wallowed in anger, frustration, and self-pity, I saw out of the corner of my eye a man approaching, striding purposefully through the quickening snow. His very appearance intimidated. He was several inches taller than me, thinner, younger, with a significantly more athletic build and long black hair with matching thick beard. His broad shoulders and muscular frame were noticeable even though he wore a heavy black jacket, Chiefs’ cap, and carried a backpack slung over his left shoulder. The coat was open, revealing a gray sweatshirt underneath, matching the sweatpants he wore. The ever-swirling snow, now coming down harder, partially obscured the shadowy figure, making him even more mysterious. His sunglasses, perched on his nose in the darkness, added to his mystique.

Who the heck is this? Sunglasses? Really? Is he expecting a blinding snowfall?

I assumed he owned the car I appeared to be breaking into. I was about to apologize. As he approached, though, he did not seem like a guy who had a $70,000 plus car. His clothes were old and well-worn, his beard unkempt, and his shoes dirty and tattered.

Given the circumstances, I wasn't in the mood to be trifled with, as the emotional turmoil returned with a vengeance, especially my anger. The well-lit parking lot had obvious cameras covering every inch, making it unlikely the man was there to rob me, although I could not rule out the possibility.

Truthfully, part of me relished a confrontation—I needed something, someone, on which to vent my pent-up anger and frustration. This panhandler picked the wrong time to approach me.

Look, I said to him in a stern voice as he drew nearer. I'd like to help, but I have no change. Sorry. I started to turn away, but he kept coming. Now fury prevailed.

Listen… my speech stopped by the sudden appearance of a gun in the man's left hand—made more threatening due to the silencer attached.

What the hell?

The absurdity of what I was experiencing delayed any flight. Instead, I simply stared at the weapon then at the man—frozen—not from fear, but complete lack of comprehension. My brain refused to process what my eyes saw. Slowly I began to raise my hands in surrender.

I was not given time to complete the act.

The flash, pop, and pain came nearly simultaneously. Agony such as none before overtook my being, the impact slamming me against the car. Still conscious, I clutched at my chest, hands wet with warm blood against the cold air. As I slowly slid to the pavement, another flash, pop, and phenomenal pain. I lacked the breath to scream.

Why?

My mind filled with anger, anguish, agony, and astonishment.

The moment froze in time. My senses flared with hypersensitivity. As the third bullet tore its way into my flesh, the nerves sent waves of pain to my brain; the sound of it impacting my rib cage made its way to my ears, as the odor of burning flesh assaulted my nose. Intense agony overwhelmed me.

Then nothing. Nothing at all.

The excruciating torment vanished in an instant. The joy from the release of pain overwhelmed. Darkness. Silence. No sensation. Emptiness. Astonishment accompanied relief. I was still there…

How am I still conscious?

Gradually I became aware of a soft light glowing dimly ahead of me, growing slowly in intensity. As I watched, a long, dark tunnel formed, stretching before me, inviting.

This is it. I’m really dead…

What do I do now?

The light grew more intense.

Is it approaching me or I it?

The last of the air escaped my lungs, mixing with the snow-filled cold air, as I headed toward the light.

CHAPTER 2

The welcoming glow beckoned at the tunnel’s far end. It radiated peace, tranquility, love, along with warmth and light.

What do I do now? We’re not given instructions…

Yes, I joked. Humor had always been my favored coping strategy. My apparent death had not changed that.

I hesitated.

I can’t go. I must take care of my kids…

The light called. I took a step forward. Then another. My pace was very deliberate.

How am I walking? This has to be my imagination.

I was in no hurry to recognize the reality of what seemed so absurd. Yet I continued onward. The beacon became so brilliant, I paused and closed my eyes for a moment. Dizziness instantly overcame me. Then once again, complete darkness.

My eyes opened. A deep fog replaced the bright, singular light. Gradually, the mist cleared and resolved into a scene.

In front of me was the BMW. Only the color was off. A reddish-brown streak flowed down the door. On the ground next to it, bleeding profusely, was me—or rather my body. Beside it, a growing pool of red on black mixed with pure white of the falling snow. But the snow wasn’t white, but greenish-gray.

How am I seeing my body?

The scene was cloudy. I tried to blink to clear my vision, but my eyes failed to respond. I tried to rub my eyes, but my hands refused to move.

No! This can’t be happening!

As the shock faded slightly, I tried regaining rational thought.

Strange. I see my body over there. This must be an out-of-body experience like those I have heard so much about occurring in near-death situations. I never fully believed it until now.

Except I still sense my body. Only, I can’t move. I am standing, yet I’m lying there, bleeding.

The scope of my vision gradually expanded and I became aware of more than my bleeding body. A left arm and hand stretched out in front of me on its own. I felt it move. The hand wore a glove, its fabric providing warmth.

It's fingers, my fingers, wrapped around the handle of a gun.

Not my glove. Not my hand. Not my gun.

Yet, I feel them, not just see them. What the hell? My mind is playing tricks on me.

Another hand came into view. This time the right. I not only saw, I felt the hand move. Together, the hands quickly removed the silencer, which went into the pants I now wore. The right hand put the gun back in the shoulder holster under the coat pressing on my shoulders.

I felt my head bend as I, we, looked down at the pavement, searching and soon finding three shell casings. The hands scooped them up and stuffed them in the jacket pocket.

What the hell is happening to me?

We began moving, running. I had no control over our actions.

Our feet rapidly beat on the street, but they didn’t generate noise, making brief footprints before vanishing. The snow had not yet started accumulating on the pavement.

Why am I looking at footprints?

My senses worked—the movement of my legs, the slapping sounds of the shoes against the slush, my heart pounding against my chest, whipping wet snow that crashed into my face.

Are they my legs? My heart? My face? They feel like they are mine, but I cannot move them.

I/we crossed the street and headed toward an alley.

Stop! Who are you? Why did you kill me? What did I do to you? Were you sent here to put me out of my misery? Or create a new hell for me?

I shouted, but no one heard. No sound escaped my lips.

Upon reaching the alley, we stopped. Our hand reached up and removed sunglasses I had not realized I wore, and the world obediently brightened, colors corrected.

What dark dream is this? What cruel trick is my mind playing? Have I not suffered enough?

I struggled to maintain my sanity.

Could this be a hallucination caused by my brain running out of oxygen?

I was only an observer as my body removed the backpack that I had not noticed weighing down my shoulder. I say my, but the body wasn't mine. It was my murderer's.

That bastard! How? Why? Who? God, why are you doing this?

How am I seeing through his eyes? Feeling through his skin? Hearing through his ears?

The body seemed tangible. It felt like it was mine, only it did not respond to me. I was a mere passenger, an interloper, along for the ride. Or, more to the point, a prisoner.

Where’s the ambulance? Is someone going to help me?

Am I dead? I asked again to no one.

Everything appeared real. Too real. Every detail experienced as though my own, only without any ability to manipulate my body or my environment. The plots of dozens of movies and books flashed through my mind.

Am I a ghost? If so, who is being haunted? My murderer or me?

Am I waiting to be released to the afterlife—whatever that is? How do I go? Do I want to go? Isn't an angel or dead relative supposed to appear before me? Did I take a wrong turn in the tunnel? Where the hell is St. Peter and those infernal gates?

The thought tickled me.

The surreal scene continued to unfold.

This can’t be real. How do I get out of this body? I’m trapped. Help. Please, God.

I don’t remember ever praying before. I did then—to no avail.

He/we stopped in the shadows of the alley. He/we pulled out a red sweatshirt, headphones, and another empty backpack from the backpack. The new one was blue while the old red—both were cheap, the same size, with only one large pocket. He took off his light sweatpants, revealing a dark blue pair underneath, the chilly air flowing through the fabric. Next, he took off the gloves, exposing a wedding ring on his deadly left hand. The gloves and sweatpants were stuffed in the backpack, followed by the cap from our head and a black wig.

Next, he took off his coat, seemingly taking no notice of the cold air enwrapping our body. But I sure felt it. Somehow, he crammed the jacket into the backpack. Next, he peeled a fake beard from our face and placed it in, along with the sunglasses. Finally, he took the old backpack and rolled it up tightly before stuffing it in as well.

Every movement precise, rehearsed, quick. Occasional glances around to determine if anyone were there to see him—us.

My fear mixed with fascination as I observed the scene unfolding. In the back of my mind, something else bothered me as I watched, but I dismissed it given the absurdity of the entire situation.

He/we removed the silencer from the pants pocket and likewise put in the backpack. He/we put on the red sweatshirt over the other and the holster, with the gun still in it, and placed the headphones over our ears. Squeezing the backpack tightly, he zipped it up and strapped it to his back. This time, over both shoulders.

We moved toward the opposite end of the alley whence we came, assuming a leisurely pace. The entire episode took less than a minute.

I was confused. Frightened. Angry. Fascinated.

How do I still have emotions? Came the thought from the back of my disembodied mind.

Darkness and cold enveloped us. The air was heavy with snow that had begun to accumulate on the grass but not yet the pavement.

We hugged the shadows for several buildings, then casually moved to the sidewalk. After a few more buildings, we crossed the deserted street and started to jog. He never glanced around to see if anyone followed. The pace was methodical—he was in no rush.

What the hell is happening? Am I dreaming?

No, this seems too real.

Who the hell are you, and why did you kill me?

No answer came.

If this is a dream, it certainly is incredibly realistic. I feel the pounding from the pavement beneath our feet as we jog from the location of my execution and the gentle but wet, brisk breeze on our face. I smell the pungent exhaust of the city bus passing by and hear its loud diesel engine against the background of urban noises. No, the details are too vibrant to be a dream.

Somehow, someway, I am imprisoned inside someone else's body. The body of the person who just murdered me—or at least killed what had been me, the corporal me.

What am I now?

The thoughts came rapid-fire to my brainless mind.

I still think like always. ‘I think, therefore I am.’ I exist. My memories seem intact. Everything that defined me as me is here—except for my body.

How? Am I a ghost? If so, why am I haunting my killer? Why can't I move on to…wherever you go?

My thoughts alternated between desperation, frustration, anger, pleas, and curiosity.

God, what have you done?

I'm trapped in a killer’s body and I can't escape, can't move, can't communicate.

This isn’t fair. He should be the one in prison, yet I'm the one who’s lost my freedom.

I tried screaming, but nothing came out. I attempted to move my fingers but could not.

While I had the use of my senses, they were oddly different. My vision was sharper, colors more intense. The perspective slightly altered as my killer was a few inches taller. My hearing had also improved. Then I realized, I could hear again from my right ear, where I had been deaf since a childhood accident. Everything about my body was altered; I was stronger, more agile, more flexible, more alert. I felt renewed. No sign of the aches in my back and knees. Instead, I became dimly aware of new sore spots concentrated around my chest.

However, having no control over my new vessel more than offset any joy from being in a rejuvenated body.

How long will I be here? Why am I here?

As my emotions began to subside, I began processing my experiences, forcing myself to be rational.

If I am somehow in my killer's brain, can I hear his thoughts? Or communicate with him some way?

I tried quieting my thoughts, sorting through them to determine if any did not belong. Nothing. Only the physical things happening with our shared body entered my awareness.

Who are you?

I need to call you, the owner of my body, something. Okay. From now on, you’re Host as you’re Hosting what remains of me.

Host did not respond.

Host jogged casually down the city street, listening to classic rock, apparently unaffected by having just committed cold-blooded murder. In the distance, a siren. Then another. His face remained focused forward, never looking back to see if anyone followed.

No sign of guilt of having taken another man's life. No concern about being captured. Confident in his precautions. Who is this person who stole my life?

We turned the corner and made our way to the trail running alongside Brush Creek. He picked up the pace. The body did not protest…something mine would have done vehemently. We ran about a half a mile before departing the path and approaching an older model red Ford F150 pickup, snow decorating its hood, cab, and bed. Even in the dark, its poor condition was apparent. A sizable dent decorated the driver's door. The rear bumper was missing and there were scratches galore. From its appearance, the truck had to be at least ten years old. As we drew closer, I saw enough of the license to know it was not from Kansas or Missouri.

Opening the door, Host casually tossed the backpack on the passenger seat. After a couple of attempts, the pickup started, and we pulled out and smoothly made our way along Ward Parkway as though nothing had happened.

CHAPTER 3

Itried to follow where we were going, which wasn’t easy, as I had no control over where he looked. The darkness made the task more difficult, with blowing snow further impairing vision. I tracked our location for a bit but became lost when he turned off Ward Parkway. Host never glanced at any road signs. He stared straight ahead, and I could not clearly see the surroundings out of his peripheral vision with the darkness and falling snow. I just knew we were headed south. Still, I concentrated on what I saw in case something provided a clue as to our location.

Why do I care? It's not as though I can walk home.

Once I got over