Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries, Books 9-10: Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries Boxed Sets, #5

Copyrights

A Sew Deadly Cruise copyright 2020 by Lois Winston. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

No content contained within this work was generated using artificial intelligence (AI). The content contained within this work may not be regenerated, repurposed, or processed using AI in any capacity, as this work is not part of the public domain.

To avoid doubt, this work may not be used in any manner to train AI technologies to generate text, including, without limitation, technologies capable of generating works in the same style or genre as the work.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, locations, or events is coincidental or fictionalized.

Stitch, Bake, Die! copyright 2021 by Lois Winston. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

No content contained within this work was generated using artificial intelligence (AI). The content contained within this work may not be regenerated, repurposed, or processed using AI in any capacity, as this work is not part of the public domain.

To avoid doubt, this work may not be used in any manner to train AI technologies to generate text, including, without limitation, technologies capable of generating works in the same style or genre as the work.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, locations, or events is coincidental or fictionalized.

Cover designs by L. Winston

Acclaim for the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries

Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun

Crafty cozies don’t get any better than this hilarious confection...Anastasia is as deadpan droll as Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, and readers can’t help cheering as she copes with caring for a host of colorful characters. – Publishers Weekly (starred review)

Winston has hit a homerun with this hilarious, laugh-until-your-sides-hurt tale. Oddball characters, uproariously funny situations, and a heroine with a strong sense of irony will delight fans of Janet Evanovich, Jess Lourey, and Kathleen Bacus. May this be the first of many in Winston’s Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. – Booklist (starred review)

A comic tour de force...Lovers of funny mysteries, outrageous puns, self-deprecating humor, and light romance will all find something here. – ForeWord Magazine (Book-of-the-Year nominee)

North Jersey’s more mature answer to Stephanie Plum. Funny, gutsy, and determined, Anastasia has a bright future in the planned series. – Kirkus Reviews

...a delightful romp through the halls of who-done-it. – The Star-Ledger

Make way for Lois Winston’s promising new series...I’ll be eagerly awaiting the next installment in this thoroughly delightful series. – Mystery Scene Magazine

...once you read the first few pages of Lois Winston’s first-in-series whodunit, you’re hooked for the duration... – Bookpage

...madcap but tough-as-nails, no holds barred plot and main character...a step above the usual crafty cozy. – The Mystery Reader

...Anastasia is, above all, a JERSEY girl..., and never, ever mess with one of them. I can’t wait ‘til the next book in this series... – Suspense Magazine

Anastasia is as crafty as Martha Stewart, as feisty as Stephanie Plum, and as resourceful as Kinsey Millhone. – Mary Kennedy, author of the Talk Radio Mysteries

"Fans of Stephanie Plum will love Lois Winston’s cast of quirky, laughable, and loveable characters. Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun is clever and thoroughly entertaining—a must read!" – Brenda Novak, New York Times best-selling author

What a treat—I can’t stop laughing! Witty, wise, and delightfully clever, Anastasia is going to be your new best friend. Her mysterious adventures are irresistible—you’ll be glued to the page! – Hank Phillippi Ryan, Agatha, Anthony, and Macavity award-winning author

You think you’ve got trouble? Say hello to Anastasia Pollack, who also happens to be queen of the one-liners. Funny, funny, funny—this is a series you don’t want to miss! – Kasey Michaels, USA Today best-selling author

Death by Killer Mop Doll

Anastasia is a crafting Stephanie Plum, surrounded by characters sure to bring chuckles as she careens through the narrative, crossing paths with the detectives assigned to the case and snooping around to solve it. – Booklist

Several crafts projects, oodles of laughs and an older, more centered version of Stephanie Plum. – Kirkus Reviews

In Winston’s droll second cozy featuring crafts magazine editor Anastasia Pollack...readers who relish the offbeat will be rewarded. – Publishers Weekly

"...a 30 Rock vibe...Winston turns out another lighthearted amateur sleuth investigation. Laden with one-liners, Anastasia’s second outing (after Assault With a Deadly Glue Gun) points to another successful series in the works." – Library Journal

Winston...plays for plenty of laughs...while letting Anastasia shine as a risk-taking investigator who doesn’t always know when to quit. – Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine

Revenge of the Crafty Corpse

Winston peppers the twisty and slightly edgy plot with humor and plenty of craft patterns. Fans of craft mysteries will like this, of course, but so will those who enjoy the smart and snarky humor of Janet Evanovich, Laura Levine, and Laura DeSilverio. – Booklist

Winston’s entertaining third cozy plunges Anastasia into a surprisingly fraught stew of jealousy, greed, and sex... and a Sopranos-worthy lineup of eccentric character... – Publishers Weekly

Winston provides a long-suffering heroine, amusing characters, a...good mystery and a series of crafting projects featuring cloth yo-yos. – Kirkus Reviews

A fun addition to a series that keeps getting stronger. – Romantic Times Magazine

"Chuckles begin on page one and the steady humor sustains a comedic crafts cozy, the third (after Death by Killer Mop Doll)... Recommend for Chris Grabenstein (John Ceepak series) and Jess Lourey readers." – Library Journal

You'll be both surprised and entertained by this terrific mystery. I can't wait to see what happens in the Pollack household next. – Suspense Magazine

The book has what a mystery should...It moves along at a good pace...Like all good sleuths, Anastasia pieces together what others don’t...The book has a fun twist...and it’s clear that Anastasia, the everyday woman who loves crafts and desserts, and has a complete hottie in pursuit, will return to solve another murder and offer more crafts tips... – Star-Ledger

Decoupage Can Be Deadly

"Decoupage Can Be Deadly is the fourth in the Anastasia Pollock Crafting Mysteries by Lois Winston. And it’s the best one yet. More, please!" – Suspense Magazine

What a great cozy mystery series. One of the reasons this series stands out for me as a great one is the absolutely great cast of characters. Every single character in these books is awesomely quirky and downright hilarious. This series is a true laugh out loud read! – Books Are Life–Vita Libri

This is one of these series that no matter what, I’m going to be laughing my way through a comedy of errors as our reluctant heroine sets a course of action to find a killer while contending with her eccentrically dysfunctional family. This adventure grabs you immediately delivering a fast-paced and action-filled drama that doesn’t let up from the first page to the surprising conclusion. – Dru’s Book Musings

Lois Winston’s reluctant amateur sleuth Anastasia Pollack is back in another wild romp. – The Book Breeze

A Stitch to Die For

"A Stitch to Die For is the fifth in the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries by Lois Winston. If you’re a reader who enjoys a well-plotted mystery and loves to laugh, don’t miss this one!" – Suspense Magazine

Scrapbook of Murder

This is one of the best books in this delightfully entertaining whodunit and I hope there are more stories in the future. – Dru’s Book Musings

"Scrapbook of Murder is a perfect example of what mysteries are all about—deft plotting, believable characters, well-written dialogue, and a satisfying, logical ending. I loved it!" – Suspense Magazine

"I read an amazing book recently, y'all — Scrapbook of Murder by Lois Winston, #6 in the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries. All six novels and three novellas in the series are Five Star reads." – Jane Reads

Well written, with interesting characters. – Laura’s Interests

…a quick read, with humour, a good mystery and very interesting characters! – Verietats

Drop Dead Ornaments

I always forget how much I love this series until I read the next one and I fall in love all over again... – Dru’s Book Musings

"Drop Dead Ornaments is a delightful addition to the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. More, please!" – Suspense Magazine

"I love protagonist Anastasia Pollack. She’s witty and funny, and she can be sarcastic at times…A great whodunit, with riotous twists and turns, Drop Dead Ornaments was a fast, exciting read that really kept me on my toes." – Lisa Ks Book reviews

"Drop Dead Ornaments is such a fantastic book…I adore Anastasia! She's clever, likable, fun to read about, and easy to root for." – Jane Reads

"…readers will be laughing continually at the antics of Anastasia and clan in Drop Dead Ornaments." – The Avid Reader

I love this series! Not only is Anastasia a ‘crime magnet,’ she is hilarious and snarky, a delight to read about and a dedicated friend. – Mallory Heart’s Cozies

It is always a nice surprise when something I am reading has a tie in to actual news or events that are happening in the present moment. I don't want to spoil a major plot secret, but the timing could not have been better…Be prepared for a dysfunctional cast of quirky characters. – Laura’s Interests 

This is a Tour de Force of a Murder/Mystery. – A Wytch’s Book Review

"Lois Winston’s cozy craft mystery Drop Dead Ornaments is an enjoyable…roller-coaster ride, with secrets and clues tugging the reader this way and that, and gentle climbs and drops of suspense and revelation to keep them reading." – Here’s How It Happened

…a light-hearted cozy mystery with lots of energy and definitely lots of action and interaction between characters. – Curling Up By the Fire

Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide

Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide is a laugh-out-loud, well plotted mystery, from a real pro! A ho-ho hoot!" – Suspense Magazine

"Merry Crises! Lois Winston has brought back Anastasia’s delightful first-person narrative of family, friends, dysfunction, and murder, and made it again very entertaining! Anastasia’s clever quips, fun stories, and well-deserved digs kept me smiling, and reading the many funny parts to my husband…does that count as two thumbs up in one?" – Kings River Life Magazine

Once again, the author knows how to tell a story that immediately grabbed my attention and I couldn’t put this book down until the last page was read…. This was one of the best books in this delightfully lovable series and I can’t wait to see what exciting adventures await Anastasia and her friends. – Dru’s Book Musings

This was such a fun quick read. I can't wait to read more of this series. – A Chick Who Reads

The story had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. – 5 Stars, Baroness Book Trove

Christmas, cozy mystery, craft, how can I not love this book? Humor, twists and turns, adorable characters make this story truly engaging from the first to the last page. – LibriAmoriMiei

"Take a murder mystery, add some light-hearted humor and weird characters, sprinkle some snow and what you get is Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide—a perfect Christmas Cozy read." –5 stars, The Book Decoder

A Sew Deadly Cruise

"A Sew Deadly Cruise is absolutely delightful, and I was sorry when it was over. I devoured every word!" – Suspense Magazine

"Engaging Drama! Brilliant! A Sew Deadly Cruise earns 5/5 Upgraded Cabins. Winston’s witty first-person narrative and banter keeps me a fan. Loved it!" –Kings River Life Magazine

The author knows how to tell a story with great aplomb and when all was said and done, this was one fantastic whodunit that left me craving for more thrilling adventures. – Dru’s Book Musings

The combo of investigating and fun makes for a great read. The author does a good job of keeping the killer a secret. Overall a fun read that cozy fans are sure to enjoy. – Books a Plenty Book Reviews

Winston has a gift for writing complicated cozy mysteries while entertaining and educating. – Here’s How it Happened

Stitch, Bake, Die!

Lois Winston has crafted another clever tale…with a backdrop of cross stitching, buttercream, bribery, sabotage, rumors, and murder…with vivid descriptions, witty banter, and clever details leading to an exciting and shocking conclusion. All making for a page-turner experience to delight cozy fans. – Kings River Life magazine

…a crème de la crème of a cozy read. – Brianne’s Book Reviews

…a well-plotted mystery that takes the term ‘crafty old lady’ to new heights. – Mysteries with Character

This story is fast-paced with wacky characters, a fun resort setting, and a puzzling mystery to solve. – Nancy J. Cohen, author of the Bad Hair Day Mysteries

Lots of action, a bevy of quirky characters, and a treasure trove of secrets add up to another fine read from Lois Winston. – Maggie Toussaint, author of the Seafood Caper Mysteries, Lindsey & Ike Mysteries, and the Dreamwalker Mysteries

The mystery was nicely executed, with bits and pieces of clues here and there as well as humorous interludes that enhanced the telling of this tale. This is another great addition to this engagingly entertaining series and I’m patiently waiting for the wedding of the century. – Dru’s Book Musings

Guilty as Framed

Engaging & clever! Lois Winston has again crafted a fun, clever cozy…with a famous cold case theft, aging mobsters, ‘disappeared’ witnesses, a murder (and) more… – Kings River Life Magazine

…another outrageously funny mystery in this series… – Suspense Magazine

Another great entry in the Anastasia Pollack Series. – Dru’s Book Musings

Reading a book in this series is like visiting an old friend. – Nancy J. Cohen, author of the Bad Hair Day Mysteries

Bravo! The unsinkable female sleuth Anastasia Pollack does it again. – Maggie Toussaint, award-winning author of mystery and suspense.

"Guilty as Framed is a worthy entry to the Anastasia Pollack series. Winston not only combines Jersey, well-crafted characters, and tight plotting, but she adds her own interpretation and possible solution to a factual museum art crime." – Debra H. Goldstein, author of the Sarah Blair Mysteries

A Crafty Collage of Crime

Rich in descriptions of the countryside, and alive with characters you’d recognize if you saw or overheard them, this book held my interest throughout and gave me more than one chuckle. It’s a delightful read. – Kings River Life magazine

Winston imbues her story with current references, an appealing setting, layered plotting, and an unsinkable sleuth. Well done! – Muddy Rose Reviews

"A Crafty Collage of Crime is yet another terrific cozy mystery featuring reluctant amateur sleuth Anastasia Pollack." – Lynn Slaughter, author of Miss Cue

"A Crafty Collage of Crime was a cute, fun, and entertaining read with independent, engaging, and delightful characters, and the mystery was outstanding, too!" – 5-stars, Novels Alive 

"If some days it seems the world is too much with you, I suggest you read A Crafty Collage of Crime. You’ll probably want to go back and read the rest of the series. Anastasia is irresistible." – Judy Alter, award-winning author 

The author’s style of writing was fresh, crisp, and entertaining. She kept the story moving without filler and provided the solution to the murder at just the right time. – Tam Sesto, Cozy Review Crew

Sorry, Knot Sorry

If you like your mysteries with a healthy dose of humor, Winston delivers... A delightful read whether you’re at the beach or in your favorite recliner with a glass of wine. – Kings River Life Magazine

A twisty-turny plot spiked with red herrings and a double shot of moxie. – award-winning author Maggie Toussaint

Lois Winston serves up another fast-paced cozy mystery that will have you chuckling through to the end. Add to your beach reads basket for a fun escape! – Nancy J. Cohen, author of the Bad Hair Day Mysteries

A humorous quick reading release from the real world. – Debra H. Goldstein, author of the Sarah Blair Mysteries

Seams Like the Perfect Crime

The plot moves along at a quick pace and as the story progressed, I found myself unable to put the book down until I’d read the very last sentence. 5-stars, Kim Davis, author of the Cupcake Catering Mysteries and the Aromatherapy Apothecary Mysteries

Wit and humor abound in this crazy cozy caper as Anastasia and her husband aid their detective friend in hunting down a killer. The tips for memory quilts at the end are a bonus. Highly entertaining! 5-stars, Nancy J. Cohen, author of the Bad Hair Day Mysteries

"Cozy mystery lovers will devour Seams Like the Perfect Crime! It’s an entertaining and amusing mystery that shines through with authentic characters." – 5 stars, Novels Alive

This is such a page-turning mystery with some truly laugh-out-loud moments. – 5 stars, Sarah Can’t Stop Reading

Seams Like the Perfect Crime is a fun cozy mystery that is sure to delight all fans of the series and genre. – 5 stars, Bonnie Morrison

There is so much humor in this series, and this book definitely didn’t disappoint in that area. The writing is intelligent, imaginative and rings true. I can highly recommend this book and series. – Kara Marks

About A Sew Deadly Cruise

An Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery

By Lois Winston

Life is looking up for magazine crafts editor Anastasia Pollack. Newly engaged, she and photojournalist fiancé Zack Barnes are on a winter cruise with her family, compliments of a Christmas gift from her half-brother-in-law. Son Alex’s girlfriend and her father have also joined them. Shortly after boarding the ship, Anastasia is approached by a man with an unusual interest in her engagement ring. When she tells Zack of her encounter, he suggests the man might be a jewel thief scouting for his next mark. But before Anastasia can point the man out to Zack, the would-be thief approaches him, revealing his true motivation. Long-buried secrets now threaten the well-being of everyone Anastasia holds dear. And that’s before the first dead body turns up.

A Sew Deadly Cruise

An Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery

By Lois Winston

Dedication

In memory of my Aunt Selma who was so much more to me than an aunt.

Acknowledgments

Authors often have ideas that may or may not work. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Judy Melinek, Cynthia Rice, D.P. Lyle, Ruth Glick, Wesley Harris, Stacey Pearson, and Kia Dennis of CrimeScene Writers and Jen Prosser of Sisters in Crime Guppies for answering my legal and medical questions, thus preventing me from making some huge mistakes.

And finally, as always, special thanks to Donnell Bell and Irene Peterson for their superb editorial skills.

ONE

I stood in the bedroom and stared at the snow-covered street and twinkling Christmas lights.

Something wrong? asked Zack, coming up alongside me and offering me a glass of wine.

Of course not.

He raised an eyebrow. Then why are you standing there worrying that ring back and forth on your finger?

I glanced down at the ring on the third finger of my left hand. Was I?

You were. What’s on your mind?

I was thinking about everything that’s changed over the past year.

Twelve months ago, normal best defined my life. That changed the day my husband dropped dead at a casino in Las Vegas and turned my world upside-down, inside out, and seven ways to sideway. Clueless me thought he was at a sales meeting in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

My cluelessness soared to galactic heights in the days that followed as I learned the true extent of Karl Marx Pollack’s deception. He had gambled away our lives, leaving me to deal with astronomical debt, his murderous bookie, and his communist mother.

I’ll probably be paying off the debt for decades to come, but thanks to surging adrenaline, pure survival instincts, and my trusty X-acto knife, I survived the bookie. Unfortunately, as my unwelcome permanent houseguest, Lucille, the communist mother-in-law from Hades, is the gift that keeps on giving.

My name is Anastasia Pollack. I’m the mother of two teenage boys, the crafts editor at a third-rate women’s magazine, and as of a few minutes ago, newly engaged. The engagement ring represents the only good thing to happen in my life since Karl’s death.

Not to mention the last twenty-four hours, said Zack, pulling my attention from the past back to the present.

Worst Christmas Eve ever, I said.

I thought I’d lost you.

Tears began to pool in my eyes and spill onto my cheeks.

Zack clasped my left hand and held it up between us, the diamond’s sparkle vying with the Christmas lights. I hope my timing wasn’t off. Maybe I should have waited.

As if Alex and Nick would have let you. My fifteen and seventeen-year-old sons had been in on the surprise proposal. For all I knew, they’d bullied Zack into it.

Zack chuckled. True but even if they had, Ralph never would have forgiven me. You don’t mess with a master of the Bard of Avon.

I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive either of us when we board him with the vet for a week while we’re on our cruise.

Ralph was the African Grey I’d inherited from my great-aunt Penelope Periwinkle. After spending decades in her college lecture hall, the parrot was nearly as much a Shakespearian scholar as his now-deceased mistress. Having an uncanny knack for spouting situation-appropriate Shakespearian quotes, Ralph hadn’t disappointed when earlier this evening Zack went down on one knee, whipped out a small velvet box from behind his back, and flipped it open to reveal the antique engagement ring now encircling my finger.

Come to think of it, I said, I’m not sure who actually proposed to me, you or Ralph.

Very funny. I don’t think it’s legal to marry a parrot in New Jersey.

I raised myself up on my toes, lifted my chin, and planted a kiss on Zack’s lips. At the same time—and not for the first time—I wondered what a guy who looks like he emerged from the same genetic stew as Pierce Brosnan, Antonio Banderas, and George Clooney sees in a cellulite-riddled, pear-shaped, slightly overweight, debt-ridden, middle-aged suburban mom like me. After all, the guy had dated supermodels and Hollywood celebrities.

Your proposal couldn’t have come at a better time, I said after our lips parted.

So you only agreed to marry me because a psycho kidnapped and nearly killed you last night?

A psycho and his psycho wife.

The psycho wife made the difference?

Let’s just say I’ve come to realize life is too short to postpone happily-ever-after any longer.

Zack knit his brows together as he scrutinized me, his tone growing more serious. Ever-after will last a lot longer if we can keep you away from any future psycho killers.

I’ll admit, it’s getting a bit redundant.

Is that what you call it? Redundant?

I took a sip of wine and shrugged. For lack of a better word. You do realize I don’t go searching for dead bodies, right?

He heaved an enormous sigh as he shook his head. And yet you keep finding them.

Blame Karl. I never stumbled across a murder before he died.

Along with the debt and the communist mother-in-law, ever since Karl dropped dead, I’ve found myself in the unenviable position of reluctant amateur sleuth. I’ve lost count of how many murder investigations I’ve gotten sucked into the last year, beginning with the ones committed by the murderous bookie. At least he’s now spending the remainder of his days in a federal facility—the kind with bars and barbed wire.

So are the other killers I’ve come in contact with, but at some point, I feared my luck might run out. Better to quit while ahead. I’d promised my sons. I’d promised Zack. Yet somehow those dead bodies continue to find me and pull me in.

Zack tapped a finger against my temple. I get the sense something else is churning around upstairs. Out with it.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Read my mind.

He cupped my chin, caressing my cheek with his thumb. Not your mind, your eyes and mouth. The expressions on your face make you an open book.

Good grief! I know I can’t lie with a straight face, but—

Zack laughed. Relax. Not to everyone. Just me. My career training makes me extremely observant.

I wondered which career he meant—the one he admitted to or the covert one I suspected. I hesitated, chewing on my lower lip, before saying, There is something.

Aha! Does it have to do with alphabet agencies?

From the day I first met Zachary Barnes, I suspected he led a double-life. Why would a world-renowned photojournalist want to move from a Manhattan high-rise to an apartment above a garage in a New Jersey suburb? He’d claimed he needed more privacy when he wasn’t globetrotting and continues to deny any affiliation with covert government organizations. Still, he does own a gun, makes frequent trips to our nation’s capital, and has a habit of taking off to places like South America and Madagascar at a moment’s notice.

But there was something besides his possible James Bond secret identity gnawing at me. You’ve never mentioned anything about your family. Why haven’t I met any of them?

You’ve met Patricia.

"She’s ex-family." Zack had been married briefly in his twenties. Realizing their youthful mistake, he and Patricia Tierney parted friends and continue to remain friendly. Her kids even call him Uncle Zacky.

Zack grew thoughtful for a moment before indicating the bed with a tilt of his head. Have a seat.

Once I perched myself on the edge, he joined me, taking my hand in his. Like you, I’m an only child, and like you, both my parents were only children. I have no aunts, uncles, or cousins. My mother died when I was eleven. Her parents raised me. They both died years ago.

And your father?

Out of the picture since my mother died.

I gasped. He deserted you?

Zack’s jaw tightened as he shrugged. No great loss. He wasn’t much of a father when he was around.

I’m sorry.

Don’t be. My grandparents gave me a good life. I never missed him. He placed our wine glasses on the nightstand and changed the subject. So how should we celebrate our engagement?

I’m assuming you have something in mind?

You better believe it.

~*~

The next morning my sons ambled into the kitchen and greeted us with the subject I’d been dreading ever since Ira surprised us with cruise tickets for Christmas. Ira is the half-brother Karl never knew existed. He and his three extremely spoiled kids entered our lives last summer. They were far easier to tolerate when they lived on the other side of the state. However, wanting to be closer to us (his choice, not mine), Ira had recently purchased a McMansion on the other side of town.

How do we survive a week stuck on a ship with Uncle Ira and his brats? asked Alex.

Not to mention Grandmother Lucille, added Nick. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice the commie in question had arrived in the dining room and taken her seat at the table where, in her usual fashion, she waited to be waited on.

I can hear you, she roared. Why are you talking about me?

This is going to be fun, I muttered under my breath as I headed into the dining room. I pasted a smile on my face and said, Ira is treating us all to a cruise, Lucille.

How does that concern me?

He also bought you a ticket.

She knit her bushy steel-gray eyebrows together and snorted one of her trademark harrumphs. Why would I accept a gift from that man?

Lucille refuses to believe Ira is her beloved Karl’s half-brother. Even a DNA test wouldn’t change her mind, not that one is needed since Ira is the spitting image of my deceased husband, although several years younger, more than a few pounds thinner, and still in possession of a full head of hair.

Instead, Lucille has decided Ira is scamming me. To what end I have no idea, given that Ira is extremely wealthy and generous to a fault, while I’m up to my eyeballs in Karl-generated debt—something else Lucille refuses to believe.

So you’re not going? asked Nick, joining us in the dining room and doing little to contain his delight.

Absolutely not!

My son turned to me and grinned ear-to-ear. Well, that solves one problem, Mom.

I answered with a Mom Look that needed no translation.

I’ll grab the orange juice, he said, quickly ducking back into the kitchen.

Lucille’s refusal to go on the cruise might have made Nick’s life easier, but it added one more layer of complication to mine. I didn’t trust my mother-in-law alone in my house for more than a few hours, let alone seven days. The woman couldn’t toast a bagel without risk of setting the kitchen on fire.

Three alternatives sprang to mind. If you’re not going to come with us, Lucille, you and your dog can move to Sunnyside for a week.

The Sunnyside of Westfield Assisted Living and Rehabilitation Center owed me big time. If Medicare didn’t cover the cost of housing Lucille for a week, I’d remind the director that I’d saved their reputation by catching a killer for them last summer.

Absolutely not! said Lucille, smacking her palm on the table.

Then you can cover the cost of someone moving in to care for you and Mephisto while we’re gone.

This time Lucille curled both her hands into fists and pounded the table with such force she not only rattled the silverware and plates, she knocked over her glass. Luckily, Nick hadn’t yet returned with the carton of orange juice. His name is Manifesto! she bellowed at the top of her lungs.

If looks could kill, Zack and the boys would now be planning my funeral. But really, who names a dog for a communist treatise? My mother-in-law, that’s who.

I ignored her outburst and continued. Your third option is to move in with Harriet. Harriet Kleinhample was Lucille’s second-in-command in the Daughters of the October Revolution. The organization consisted of thirteen octogenarian communist rabble-rousers who blindly followed my mother-in-law. Reason escapes me as to why.

She answered me with a growl that I optimistically took as agreement to the third option.

What makes you think Harriet won’t bring her back to the house? asked Alex after I returned to the kitchen.

She probably will, but I plan to steal your grandmother’s house key so she can’t get in.

Nick offered me a high-five. Way to go, Mom!

I’m marrying one extremely devious lady, said Zack, shaking his head as he plated the scrambled eggs onto a serving dish.

What if she breaks a window to get in? asked Alex.

I hadn’t considered that. The alarm would go off, alerting the police, but Westfield’s finest all knew Lucille lived here. They’d picked her up on various transgressions from jaywalking to vandalism to protesting without a permit on an almost weekly basis, locking her up on more than one occasion.

However, they’d believe her when she said she couldn’t find her key. As a favor to me, they’d probably even repair the broken window.

Now I had to worry if my house would be standing when we returned from a cruise I didn’t want to take. Or worse yet? I might come home to find twelve squatters residing within Casa Pollack.

TWO

Six weeks later Mama, Zack, the boys, and I slowly snaked our way along the security line within the cavernous Gemstones of the Seven Seas cruise terminal in Bayonne, New Jersey. Are there several ships leaving today? asked Nick.

Just ours, I said. Why?

He twisted around to scope out the vast, crowded interior, his eyes growing wide. All these people are going on the same ship as us?

All these and then some, said Mama. The Gemstone Empress holds four-thousand passengers plus fifteen-hundred crew members.

When I raised an eyebrow in her direction, she offered up an overly dramatic sigh. Then she said, I met Poor Lou on this ship.

Poor Lou Beaumont would have become Mama’s sixth husband if not for his untimely death by knitting needle to the heart. I draped my arm around her shoulders and muttered, Of all the cruise ships Ira could have chosen...

Lou died before you met Ira, Zack reminded me.

True, but had he consulted us before booking this surprise Christmas present, Mama could have told him to choose a different ship. She doesn’t need a week of being confronted with bittersweet memories every time she rounds a corner.

My mother waved a gloved hand in dismissal. I don’t mind, dear. I plan to spend the cruise reliving all those wonderful times we had on the ship, not crying over them. It’s just that… Her eyes took on a faraway look.

What, Mama?

I keep thinking about how, if Lou hadn’t died, I never would have married Lawrence.

Now it was my turn to sigh. Mama’s marriage to Lawrence Tuttnauer was one more strike against my husband’s long-lost half-brother. If not for Ira, Mama would never have met Lawrence, let alone married him. Shortly after walking into our lives, Ira introduced Mama to his widower father-in-law. By the end of the summer Flora Sudberry Periwinkle Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg O’Keefe had become Flora Sudberry Periwinkle Ramirez Scoffield Goldberg O’Keefe Tuttnauer.

Mama never has any trouble finding husbands. She looks twenty years younger than her actual age of sixty-six and wears several sizes smaller than yours truly. On top of that, she looks like a young Ellen Burstyn from back when the actress starred in Same Time Next Year. As a result, Mama attracts men like boy bands attract teenybopper groupies.

However, Mama had a lousy track record when it came to keeping those husbands. With the exception of my father, most died within a year of their vows.

Lawrence had broken the dead husband cycle. Mama’s marriage to him ended in divorce after his arrest for a laundry list of felonies. However, more importantly, if Mama hadn’t met and married Lawrence, several of his victims would be planting daisies come spring, not pushing up daisies from six feet under.

Alex paused from his nonstop texting and pulled his eyes from the screen. Worry clouded his features. Sophie and her dad are stuck in traffic on the Turnpike. What if they don’t arrive in time?

Alex’s girlfriend had cajoled her father into canceling their planned ski trip to join us on the cruise. I liked Sophie, but sometimes I worried about the speed of their relationship. She and Alex had only met at the beginning of the school year after Shane Lambert and his daughter relocated from North Dakota to Westfield. Alex fell head-over-heels for the newcomer who reminded me of a petite version of Nicole Kidman.

The ship doesn’t sail for another four hours, said Zack. If they’re on the Turnpike, they’re only a few miles away.

They can always walk, said Nick.

Alex rolled his eyes at his brother. And what do you suggest they do with their car, Doofus?

Nick waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. Ditch it on the side of the road. It’s not like Shane can’t afford to buy another car after the cruise. The guy has a bazillion dollars.

I directed a Mom Look his way.

What? he said. It’s true.

I shook my head. A bazillion dollars—if there was such a thing—was probably a gross exaggeration. However, having won one of the largest lotteries in history, Shane Lambert wasn’t hurting for funds. Rather than lecturing my son, I said, I think there may be a law against deliberately abandoning a vehicle on the Turnpike.

Nick offered up a shrug. So he pays a fine.

Shane would give his car away before he’d abandon it, said Alex, defending the ethical principles of his girlfriend’s father.

Whatever, said Nick. I’m just saying there are ways to avoid missing the cruise.

No one’s going to miss the cruise, I said.

We finally inched our way up to the front of the security checkpoint. I placed my carry-on, purse, and coat on the conveyor belt and stepped through the body scan. While I waited for my items to make their way through the X-ray machine, I heard the opening bars of Defying Gravity coming from inside the scanner. The TSA agent monitoring the video screen chuckled.

"Must be a fellow Wicked fan," said Zack, matching her chuckle with one of his own.

Then she has excellent taste in musical theater. I caught the agent’s eye and gave her a thumbs-up.

Once I’d retrieved my belongings, I checked the Missed Call display. Tino.

They’re probably stuck in the same traffic jam as Shane and Sophie, said Zack.

My phone dinged a text message: Call ASAP.

Tino answered on the first ring. Hey, Mrs. P. Change of plans.

What’s going on?

He answered with a loud yawn. Sorry. Haven’t slept.

Where are you?

Back at Ira’s house. Finally.

Back from where? And why haven’t you slept?

We’ve been at the hospital since four this morning.

Zack’s brows knit together. I mouthed hospital to him before continuing to speak with Tino, Let me guess. Isaac climbed out his bedroom window again, and this time he fell and broke a leg.

Worse. Ira was rushed into surgery with acute appendicitis.

Oh dear! Is he okay?

He is now. He’s out of recovery and resting in his room. I’ve notified the cruise line for him. You’re to go to Guest Services as soon as you board the ship.

Why?

Ira arranged to move you to his suite instead of the three cabins he booked for you, the boys, and Flora. They’ll have your new cruise cards waiting.

I gritted my teeth. How nice of him. Personally, I’d rather have a shoebox-sized cabin next to the boiler room as long as it came with complete privacy.

He said to tell you to enjoy the cruise. He’ll book another family vacation for everyone once he recovers.

How long?

The next cruise?

No, the recovery period.

Six weeks minimum.

At least he has you to take care of him and the kids.

Yeah, thanks a heap for that, Mrs. P.

Regretting the manny job already, Tino? I thought you were bored with cyber-security and enjoying this new challenge.

In retrospect, bleary-eyed boredom from sitting in front of a bank of computer monitors eight hours a day doesn’t seem so bad compared to six or more additional weeks playing drill sergeant to Ira’s three juvenile delinquents.

I thought you were making a difference. Once Tino had stepped in after Ira’s last nanny quit, his kids’ behavior had definitely improved—not greatly, but Tino hadn’t been on the job all that long.

Only if I sit on them twenty-four/seven. I thought I could do some good. You know I’m not a quitter, Mrs. P.

Of course not. The guy had served with distinction as part of Special Forces in the Middle East. He had the medals to prove it.

I’ve never quit at anything in my life, but I’m raising the white flag on this one. Those kids are even too much for me. I’d rather be back in Iraq than have to spend one more day than necessary in this house.

Does Ira know?

I had decided to give him a month’s notice after the cruise. Now I’ll have to wait until he’s fully recovered before I even bring up the subject.

I heard a loud crash in the background. Tino cursed under his breath. Gotta go, Mrs. P. Have fun on your cruise. I’ll see you when you get back—assuming I’m still alive.

He hung up before I could wish him the luck I’m sure he’d need.

What’s going on? asked Zack.

I glanced at both my sons. Each had their noses buried in their phones. It appears the Karma gods are smiling down on Alex and Nick.

At the mention of their names, they pulled their attention from their screens and eyed me. Huh? they said in unison.

Ira, his kids, and Tino won’t be joining us. I then filled everyone in on the details.

Best news ever, said Nick.

Really? I asked. "Ever?"

Well, at least this week.

As we ascended the escalator that led to the gangway, I whispered to Zack, I have to admit, as bad as I feel for Ira, not to mention Tino, I can’t disagree with Nick.

Neither can I. Now we can look forward to a relaxing vacation free of Ira’s family drama.

I do feel guilty, though. I know Tino took this job at my suggestion.

Tino’s one tough dude. Besides, he loves a challenge. I’ll bet he whips those three hellions into line before Ira fully recovers.

I hope you’re right.

How about we toast to his success with one of those decadent cocktails your mother waxed poetic over last night?

Sounds like a plan.

Little did I suspect at that very moment the sadistic deities who get their jollies messing with my life were currently rolling around in the clouds, laughing their derrieres off.

THREE

Shane and Sophie arrived in time to meet us for lunch at the Pearl of the Sea Buffet, a massive spread offering everything from basic American fare to international cuisine, not to mention an obscene selection of desserts. Many of the sugary confections were heart-shaped in celebration of Valentine’s Day, which would occur during our cruise. And of course, there were all those frothy umbrella drinks, which turned out to be unlimited and on the house, compliments of our upgraded status.

If I didn’t exercise massive self-control, I’d easily gain ten pounds over the next week. Unfortunately, when it came to sweets and anything containing wine, rum, vodka, or tequila, my willpower took off for parts unknown. Hence, my pear-shaped figure that squeezed into a size eight only on a good day.