From Mourning to Dancing: Renewed Hearts, #2

SAMMY

2

March—Spring Break, senior year of high school. Then.

The sun beat down on the six of us as the game raged on, growing more intense by the minute. Jenna had her arms spread out, ready to throw her weight into darting in whichever direction was necessary. I assumed my crouched position, wiggling my toes against the sand, taking a firm foothold. No distraction could penetrate my extreme focus and get in the way of my victory, not even the alluring crashing of Padre Island’s waves beside us nor the squawking gulls above. When that ball came my way, I would be prepared to spring into action, with intent to destroy, spiking it fast into Jared and Dan’s faces. They wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hurry up and decide on your next move, boys. Though it won’t make a difference. You’re going to lose, I helpfully informed them.  It wouldn’t matter which of them served or where they aimed. Jenna and I had this game in the bag.

She’s right. Might as well give it up, boys, Sarah called from the confines of her tent, drawing our gazes to her small, unzipped window. She’d retreated to her solitude a while ago, and I wasn’t aware she was paying attention to us. She still seemed pretty preoccupied with why her boyfriend Kevin wasn’t among us. As much as I wanted to dig deeper into whatever was going on, I had to let it go for the time being. We were all there to relax and enjoy the night, not to grill each other.

The game isn’t over until it’s over, Dan barked.

Jared laughed off our threats, finding humor in his eventual humiliation, while Dan was busy deciding on their next play. He rolled the ball in a stationary spin between his hands with a determined look of concentration on his beach-pinked face. Beside him, Jared’s tropical button-up billowed, exposing and covering his torso over and over again. That was only the slightest bit distracting.

Bolting upright, Jenna had grown weary of her prepared stance since her boyfriend was taking too long to put the ball into play. Seriously, Daniel. I’m pretty sure I feel grey hairs growing in.

Yeah, and I’m pretty sure I can see them!

From her perfectly manicured lounge area on the sidelines, Birdie Jo hooded her hand over her eyes, pretending to squint in Jenna’s direction. Birdie wore a neon pink bucket hat, under which her golden curls spilled out with flawless curation. Her entire towel spread was covered expertly by a six-foot wide umbrella, anchored deeply into the sand, protecting her delicate, creamy white skin from the power of the sun. Our Birdie Jo was all parts beauty queen, save for the conceit and conspiracies.

That’s not funny, Jenna fired back, but I turned away and snickered, giving Birdie a wink of solidarity.

Light-heartedness was the best way we all knew how to deal with Jenna’s eccentrics. The girl was barely eighteen and freakishly vain. While she and Birdie shared the desire for hair perfection, Birdie came at it from a place of joy. Caring for her appearance made her happy, whereas Jenna used her bad hair days as an excuse to complain.

Chill, woman. The men are ready to serve now.

The girls and I snickered, rolling our eyes almost one after the other. Dan and Jared exchanged glances, and after a decisive nod, the ball was hot.

Oh, please, came Jenna’s reprimanding tone as she watched the ball soar way too far overhead. I could only laugh because these boys knew they always lost to us. No amount of big talk would change that, but it sure was entertaining to watch them try. If anything, today would be a testament to the legacy I was leaving behind. For my own sense of worth, it was essential I played a good game here.

When the ball came to our side, it was hectic and easily handled. Dan could put a lot of force into a hit, but his form was sloppy; therefore, his attempts were aimless. Nearly every time they served the ball, it was out of bounds. He and his cohort really made dominating them too easy. It almost wasn’t fun.

Almost. Winning, in general, was always fun.

My final season of high school volleyball was already over (and we ended with a winning streak. You’re welcome), but it took a lot longer for the season to leave me than it did for me to want to leave the season. Letting go was a work in progress. Even when school was finally out, and there wasn’t a net, ball, or timer in sight, I was sure I would still miss it all. The best I could do was make every game I played now count, even if it was only a handful of friends running around the beach for fun.

Del Mar, the local community college I’d considered attending, didn’t have competitive sports teams, so, assuming that’s where I end up, beach games with friends could be all the volleyball I had left.

That was okay with me though. I had a great run as Sammy The Bull Ballard, six years strong. It was time to hang up my horns and move on to the adult things in life, like English 101 and Texas History. But that was for Fall Sammy to worry about. Spring Sammy was still on break and out for proverbial blood.

The game didn’t last long, though some tension remained. We beat them fairly quickly, but the game wasn’t truly over until Sarah, who had retreated into her tent a while ago, finally decided to take off on her own. Nobody’s mind was on playing anymore. All eyes watched her go, curious about her vague excuse to take a walk. I was sure we all had the same major question in our heads: What more was there to the story about Kevin that she had told us earlier?

After succumbing to Jenna, Birdie, and my last-minute urging, Sarah agreed to join us all on an overnighter at Bob Hall Pier, our usual go-to spot. It was spring break, after all, and we’d hardly spent any time together. Sarah and Kevin were newly coupled after an awkward beginning as reluctant lab partners, and things were going great for them. Or, at least, we all thought that was why she’d been absent from our circle a lot lately, and understandably so. Nobody was upset with her for getting a boyfriend, though we were thrilled she’d said yes to this sleepover.

But at the beach that day, her inclusion seemed a bit different than I expected. She didn’t seem to want to be there, and we weren’t sure how much we should push. The sun was setting, anyway. The warmth of the day was drowned out by the sunless chill of the night air, so it was time to light up the fire.

Without Sarah, the girls and I huddled together under Birdie’s umbrella, wrapping ourselves in towels. We had to sit on the edges to keep them from flapping and letting out our meager warmth.

Behind us, in the tent, Sarah’s phone went off. Not once, but twice. Oh, that’s Sarah’s, came our mutual recognition, though Jenna said it first. Do you think that’s Kevin?

Probably, I answered. It was the most likely guess.

Maybe it’s her parents. Should we get it? asked Birdie.

No, I’m sure it’s fine. Her parents would’ve been calling us all by then if there was a problem.

Dan slapped his hands together to shake off the sand. Jared, grab me the matches? Dan got no response and looked around, drawing our attention. Jared was gone, and Dan shook his head, going for the matchbox in the back of his car himself. He’s so whipped.

What do you mean by that? I asked, put off by the idea.

Where do you think he went? Obviously, he’s chasing Sarah down for a sunset stroll.

Giving Jared the benefit of the doubt, I said, I’m sure Jared knows better.

Just like he knew better about the tablets at my party?

At the mention of that dreaded night, I caught a chill.

Early last month, Jenna fixed Sarah up with Jared, who at the time was only an occasional acquaintance of the rest of ours. We didn’t know it then, but Sarah was already head over heels for Kevin, even though the guy was being stubborn. While preparing Sarah a drink, Jared had mistaken one of those ‘tablets’ for food coloring, which had inadvertently caused her a terrible reaction. That, coupled with a bad night of tending to the needs of her type 1 diabetes, had landed her in the hospital. That night, Kevin snuck back into the hospital after we’d all left, finally confessed his feelings, and they made their relationship official. They’d been inseparable ever since.

So, whatever was going on today must have been something big if it was keeping them apart after all they’d already endured.

I just hope Sarah is okay, I said, contemplating everything.

Dan crouched, flicking an extended match and dropping it in just so. The wind snuffed it out before the wood had time to catch. I set my jaw to keep it from chattering. "I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s smart. Jared is my boy, but he’s an idiot."

Daniel Fitzwilliam Schellers, some best friend you are, admonished Birdie Jo. Her future kids were in for a real Southern upbringing.

Whatever, we all love him, but y’all know it’s true.

My next thought was interrupted by a chorus of shouting coming from down the beach. We all froze and listened before looking at each other.

See? I told you, Dan said firmly before abandoning his efforts with the fire and starting off. Jenna jumped up before Birdie or I could, and we both got a fresh dusting of sand in our faces. We sputtered but stood, linking arms and walking down the beach, suddenly unaware of how cold we were.

The three of them came into view like a movie. The sun had set, and the only light available was a tall utility light across the driving path along the beach, a ways away. Still, it was more than enough to make out the scene in front of us. Jared and Sarah were there, just as Dan had predicted, but so was Kevin. And he was fuming. I might’ve seen actual smoke leave his nostrils.

And they call me The Bull.

Their back and forth raged on until, at last, it looked like Jared was doing the smart thing and leaving them alone. We stayed silent and out of the fray, but no one could walk away. Just as Dan threw his arm over Jared’s defeated shoulders, Jared shrugged him away, along with the idea of giving up, and went back for more.

Okay, maybe calling him an idiot was more or less a fair assessment, but still. Dan’s statement live on display had me feeling grumpy. I really wanted to root for Jared but not with Sarah. Even if Kevin hadn’t been in the picture, and for a long time he wasn’t, Sarah was never into Jared.

Even if he was rather attractive.

Suddenly, Kevin had Jared laid out flat. Blood shot out of his mouth as they had their final words before Kevin did what they both should’ve done sooner and walked away. Sarah chased after him, but Kevin would not be held up; he was bound and determined to go.

You okay, man? Dan held out his hand only for it to be batted away as Jared came to a wobbly stand.

I’m fine.

Totally. You’re not bleeding all over the beach or anything.

Whatever, Jared retorted, and they started back to camp.

Sarah was on her way as well, tears pooling in her eyes, her sadness right on par with her anger. She opened her mouth to speak but only managed to shrug. The three of us swooped in and grabbed her in a group hug until her threatening tears dried up. Then we all waddled back to the camp, arm over arm.

In my head, I was hurting for my best friend, but another part of me hurt for Jared. That, in and of itself, created such confusion in me. I didn’t know what to make of it.

JARED

3

March—Spring Break, senior year of high school. Then.

Trudging back to camp a loser, my thoughts bristled harder than the swelling skin on my face. By morning, it would match my ego—bruised and battered—and all I did was try to apologize to Sarah. From the moment she showed up, I was overwhelmed with a stark desire to clear the air once and for all. Something inside me needed to hear her accept my apology, even if she couldn’t mean it. I would have understood that, but I needed one opportunity to be bold and just tell her I was sorry. When she took off down the shore, I knew that was it.

So, while I gave her a little while to be alone, I hyped myself up, garnering all the courage it would take to get the weight of my stupidity off my chest. I could hurdle myself into a pile of giant offensive linemen, but I grew weak from the idea of this confrontation, necessary though I knew it was. Talking it out was the only way I’d ever feel relief. I was counting on it.

Later, by the end of our brief conversation, through her graciousness, Sarah forgave me honestly and completely. No doubts remained in my mind that she meant her words, which meant I should’ve had the absolution I craved. An actual weight lifted off my shoulders when she spoke; I could tell that much, and yet, wrongdoing was still buried deep inside me.

I thought her forgiveness would be the right tonic for my ailment, but the longer I lived with my shame, the more it festered. Perhaps I waited too long to initiate my apology, and retaining guilt was my penance. Sooner or later, everyone had to pay their debts, right? I guess I had accrued more interest than I first realized.

Do you want a drink or something? Dan offered as we arrived back at our spot.

No, thanks. What I wanted was to wash off my face and cool down. Kevin was gone, and the air was cold, but I was still heated.

Earlier, for half a second, I felt brave enough to speak my mind against Kevin. Even though I knew there would never be anything more than friendship between Sarah and me, I still couldn’t stand to see Kevin be the one to get her.

What exactly had he done to earn all her affection? What did he have that I didn’t? A criminal record? He sure seemed like the type. What would a girl like Sarah want with a guy like that?

So, in my blind, dumb ambition, I didn’t want to walk away. I turned around, ran my mouth, and my mouth got put in its place real quick. There was no point in retaliating for long because, even though I wanted to do the right thing for Sarah, and a part of me still hoped she would choose differently, I still felt less than. In the end, I was fighting for nothing. He hated me because of what I did to her—albeit accidentally, however stupid it was—and she didn’t pick me. It was never a matter of Kevin versus me, anyway. I was intelligent enough to figure that out.

My mind still hadn’t moved by the time I saw the girls’ dark wall of a figure finally on their way back from consoling Sarah.

I turned to Dan. Was Sarah ever actually into me? When you guys set me up with her, did I ever even have a chance?

You really want to hear this? Now?

Yes, and make it quick before they get here.

No, man. Not from what I heard. Jenna said it was a hard sell to get her to go out with you at all.

Because of Kevin?

Yep.

Cool. That’s that, then.

Sarah might not be able to see the trouble she had in store if she stayed with Kevin, but I could. He was going to hurt her, and at least I knew I didn’t just sit idly by and let it happen. If I cared about her at all, which I really did, staying silent just wasn’t an option.

Not all brave moments were heroic ones, apparently. But I tried.

Yanking free of my shirt, I tossed it toward my tent, not caring where it landed. If I hadn’t already committed to dousing myself in the cleansing water, I would’ve backed out the second my feet hit the surf. It wasn’t quite North Pole cold yet, but the wetness combined with the unforgiving whips of the wind would have me feeling like the Arctic in no time. My poor body was in for it, but it was the quickest way to rid myself of the humiliating blood, and the heat responsible for putting it there.

When the rest of my body reached the waters, I realized there had to be worse things than being punched in the face by the guy I lost the girl to. And once I figured those things out, maybe my beat-up body and rejected heart wouldn’t hurt as much anymore.

Later, in my tent, after everyone had gone to bed, my phone vibrated.

Sammy

Hey, slugger. How’s your pretty face?

Jared

It’s fine. Nothing a little frozen T-bone wouldn’t have fixed.

You think I’m pretty?

I sat up to look out the mesh window toward Sammy and Jenna’s tent. Birdie and Sarah’s was the next one over. To make up a secure perimeter, I was on one end of the girls, and Dan was on the other. The tents themselves were anchored to the backs of our vehicles, well-protected against the elements and passing traffic.

I could see Sammy through her own tent’s little window. The light from her phone was casting on her face. She was smiling.

Sammy

Oh, yeah. You should consider modeling as a back-up career if your football prospects fall through. That blond hair, those blue eyes—so wasted underneath that bulky helmet. smh

I laughed out loud, disrupting the peace. Rustling sounds came from around me, and I instinctively hunkered down inside my sleeping bag.

Sammy

Way to go. Wake up the whole beach, why don’t you?

Jared

My bad.

Sammy

I’m only teasing. Don’t worry about it. It’s a public beach, so you’re prolly not gonna be the loudest thing around tonight.

But seriously, are you doing okay?

Jared

I mean, yeah. I’ll live. I had it coming, anyway.

Sammy

Do you really believe that?

Jared

Pretty much.

Sammy

Well, I think you’re both crazy. Y’all need to let this thing go. Sarah has.

Jared

That’s what she told me.

I won’t be picking any more fights, so hopefully he got kicking my butt out of his system.

Sammy

Only time will tell.

Jared

Yeah. Agreed.

Sammy

Don’t forget you have friends here. Eventually, Kevin will get over it and probably come around, too. If not, who cares? His loss.

Jared

Thanks.

Sammy had a point, which was the same one Sarah was trying to make earlier. She had forgiven me already, and it was my turn to forgive myself and let things go. Kevin and I would never be friends, that much I knew for sure, but I didn’t have to go through life hating him. Whether or not he hated me was his problem. This group of people accepted me, even if he didn’t.

I rolled over, intent on rest, and let the coming and going of the tide serenade me to sleep.

SAMMY

4

May—Afternoon of graduation. Now.

My living room was standing room only as I waded through my immediate and extended family, all gathered together to watch me graduate high school. As if it were all that interesting, but in a family as big and proud as mine, you could get congratulated for sneezing with your eyes open. I’m pretty sure my uncle Demetrius did that once, and there was a party thrown in his honor.

On my way to the door, I collected my keys from the bamboo bowl on the entry table. Okay, Mama. I’m heading out now, I said over my shoulder.

Wait, wait! she called back as the seas parted to let her through. Are you sure you want to do this? At least six other people in this house have offered to pick your grandparents up from the airport instead.

I know, but I volunteered because I want to do it.

Yeah, but this is your day. You’re graduating this evening. Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to leave?

I’ve made the drive to the airport plenty of times, and it will be the only one-on-one time I get with them. It’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t want to take anyone away from what they’re doing. They already came from out of town for the ceremony. They don’t have to do us favors, too.

Mom’s expression was understanding. Just be sure to call us if you need anything.

I won’t need anything. I know what I’m doing.

Things were going to change soon, anyway. I wanted to experience and remember things exactly the way they were right now, before my 18 th birthday. Before I finally heard the truth about who my birth parents were. That nugget of information had been long awaited, with varying levels of patience, since before I could remember.

A feeling of dread formed in the pit of my stomach, and I shoved the thoughts away.

Mom unknowingly helped cut into my rumination. I know, I know. You’re so smart and perfect and amazing.

Naturally, I preened, happy to feel the quick shift in my mood. Besides volleyball, deflecting was what I did best. For now, I had nothing to worry about. For now, my parents were my only parents, everyone in my house was a cherished member of my family, and nothing else mattered but picking up my grandparents and graduating. Best just to let it stay that way for as long as possible.

With a glistening smile, the first of many I would see today, no doubt, Mom nodded, placing her hand on my shoulder. How did I get so lucky with you?

Trial and error, I’d say. I glanced over to where my two older brothers, Caleb and Ronnie, were sitting on the edge of the coffee table my parents were given as a wedding gift twenty-eight years ago. They were currently engaged in a video game, completely absorbed despite the mass of people rustling around them. Ronnie reached for Caleb’s controller, but he saw it coming and yanked it skyward just in time. After so long, they had no more tricks to play. Ronnie may be the oldest at twenty-three, but you put those two in front of a gaming console, and all bets were off.

At any moment, I wondered if one or both of them would rip their T-shirts and start arm-wrestling each other. Neither had ever fought fairly with the other, but when it came to me, the baby sister, best believe things were different. There’s nothing they wouldn’t do for me, and that included letting me win.

It didn’t matter to them or anyone else in the family that I wasn’t actually blood-related. Most of the time, everyone, including myself, simply forgot that detail. To all of us, family was family. Having been adopted as a newborn was never something that bothered me. It was just the news I would get next week that had gotten under my skin. The more I thought about it, I was no longer sure I still wanted to know.

Well, if you’re going, then you’d better go. Your grandparents land in less than an hour. You still have enough time not to rush, but hopefully you don’t run into traffic.

It’s a Saturday in Corpus Christi, Mama. Of course, there will be traffic.

All the more reason to hurry off! But be sure to only hurry safely. You know the drill, sweet pea. She brought me in for a hug strong enough to resurrect a dead man. It was probably the 108 th time that morning. I’m so proud of you, Sammy-Girl. And we’re all so excited for this evening and everything that comes after. She watched me with a faraway look before giving me another squeeze.

I could tell we had the same thing on our minds, and both chose to ignore it.

I patted her on the back. Thanks, Mom. I know.

Graduating high school didn’t seem all that special to me. In a few short months, I’d be a student somewhere else, so what did it really matter? Oceanside Community College would have me for the next two years, but maybe after that graduation, I would feel a smidgen of what my mom was feeling. If I ever decided to finish my application…

Whatever happened,