A Story or Two to Tell: Stories to tell, #1
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About this ebook
A Story or Two to Tell is the presentation of two stories, with my fanciful resume. All read to the eager audience growing in numbers in the aged care complex I could call home. I don't live in an aged care home just yet and I'm not a psychopath. Even though the stories are aimed at a mature audience, they may sometimes seem immature. It's just the beginning, with more planned.
Nearly all of the story content comes from my rather warped imagination, having been exposed to too much TV and Films, but some are based in reality. Of course, most of it is pure fiction. The first story deals with reluctant and good-looking food operators, less-than-compliant outlaw bike clubs, cult-like Church leadership and adult entertainment venue ownership. It's a complicated tale. The second with gruesome murders and the quest to catch those responsible. A man applying a brutal approach to satisfying his needs. It requires a strong stomach, as would we all if my regulatory food safety interactions fail. Each story swims in unpleasant situations.
Alan Crawford
I'm a slightly bored, grumpy old man trying to bring a smile to others. More of my strange writing can be found at https://www.alancrawford.com.au which aims to lighten the load in a mixed up world. I'm living on the Gold Coast in Australia, while watching the rest of this mixed up world with a bemused giggle. Sadly America is not much of a giggle at the moment.
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Titles in the series (3)
A Story or Two to Tell: Stories to tell, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMore Stories to Tell: Stories to tell, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsVery Odd Short Stories: Stories to tell, #3 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
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A Story or Two to Tell - Alan Crawford
My life so far
The staff were as professional as the system allowed and paid for, some being very good, some good, some not, and some downright dreadful. There were lots of agency people who struggled with not knowing who, what, where, or why in the place. The level of care was OK, but the chat varied from How are you today?
to real conversations covering topics such as music and TV, films, news, and politics. I’m still reasonably addicted to all of those things.
Joanne was one of the very good ones, a mature Filipino lady, maybe in her late 50s, but it’s always hard to tell. She’d been a hairdresser who now found herself working offering care in aged care. Over several days, she asked me to describe my background, likes, dislikes, and life and tell some stories that she’d half heard me talk about others. This led to me reading out loud one of my strange short stories that covered some of it. Not all, of course. She wasn’t prepared for the eclectic nonsense I provided, let alone all of it. Well, the following is my telling of two of the stories I read out to my growing audience.
I started with my first exaggerated tale, my make-believe resume,
as posted on my most recent website, alancrawford.com.au, which had morphed over the years from tbaoo.com. I started back then with the text in lowercase and what I thought was an unusual way of writing. It turned out to be very much me. It was very much an acquired taste, as my Google Analytics revealed over the years. Sadly, there is next to no real audience.
My Resume
Alan Crawford has the temperament of a young fawn grazing in the savanna. Soft to touch, but sitting on a knife’s edge while expecting prey to pounce. He hopes to provide his services while being alert, at peak, on time and onside while being extremely happy to serve. If you seek an employee to meld into your work culture, you’ll find him able to change into whatever you need. He has his own goals and would like to achieve them, or yours, whichever makes more sense.
Experience
Mumbles Voice-Over Studio — March 2018 – Present
Alan is serving as the studio talent coordinator/assistant. He loves the camaraderie and/or complete solitude a recording studio can provide. Duties include retrieving refreshments, food, and substances (solid and liquid), both legal and illegal, to all that require such things. His greatest achievement to date has been to clean and restore the studio to its former glory after the famous collaborative recording of the song Fuck off, it’s Christmas
. The attendees made such a mess that it took Alan three weeks to clean and disinfect the studio, reception, photocopier and bathrooms. Mumbles provided Alan with an award for his dedication.
Ralph’s Auto Shop – 1977 – March 2018
Note to potential employer. Alan left school with an enthusiastic willingness to succeed in business, and he secured a position in Ralph’s Auto Shop following a two-year gap year break after leaving school. The parole board social workers were pleased to recommend him. Alan was gaining confidence with a view of the world that his high school years failed to achieve. His case worker suggested Ralph’s Autos as they supported prison reform although they weren’t known for complying with wage compensation obligations, they treated their charges reasonably well. Well, enough for the Parole Board at least.
Education
Crisis High School – 1971 – 1975
Note to potential employer. Alan did not suit formalised education. His passion was for drumming on desks. He would be rewarded for passing critical milestones, exams, attendance, personal grooming standards, etc. He received so many vouchers for Star City Music that he gathered quite a supply of drums, bongo, kits, and various percussion instruments. His education qualifications should be considered irrelevant.
References
Note to potential employer. I have created this resume to assist Alan Crawford in pursuing his dream of music production, software design and AI development. I will, however, tell you that he has no computer skills, coding or otherwise. Indeed, he asked me to create this resume because he has no computer and would struggle to read one, let alone write with it.
His passion for music is legendary, and his willingness to please, although sometimes worrisome, is also to be commended. He has not been diagnosed with any known medical conditions
that might cause his afflictions, but he may well be described as meeting many if not all, such conditions, should they be identified.
Please hesitate to contact me directly if you would like to discuss issues or concerns raised in this resume. It is with some hesitation, that I recommend Alan to you, but please understand that if you are his next employer, he should be able to develop his unique set of skills and benefit from them. Robert Arthurson
Over quite a few days, I read some more of my nonsense for Joanne, who had invited, with my go-ahead, a few of her colleagues. They sat, seemingly interested, during their lunch break, listening intently to my story. The following stories were read out loud to the newly formed audience. I was outlining a hand-grab snippet of oddness that is my life: exaggerated work history laced with heaps of good old-fashioned nonsense. Some bits are real, and more than some are not real.
So it begins
Yet another work week at Council begins, yes, another work week starts as an Environmental Health Officer (EHO), who, of course, no fucker except an EHO knows exactly what that is though, not even most of the faceless people I work for. Environmental Health Officer is the current name for what used to be known as a Health Inspector. Of course, I could rattle through the complete and professional description, but hey, simply put, we control, reduce, remove, and even penalise the impact of humans on each other and the environment.
Some major industries dominate our time, such as boat building & repair, manufacturing, mechanical workshops, lots of food & fuel (less so now), and in some parts of the country, even legalised and licensed fucking, not for me, though; I don’t have that physically draining task. I can’t imagine keeping a straight face while filling in the claim form for a morning round of full body massage, head jobs and stress relief, then writing the report on how the events went down. Some weird performance issues may well occur, but none of that in the shower.
This new career is the reward for completing a three-year full-time stretch at a local University, studying for a Bachelor of Science degree. Sure, it’s an entry-level science degree, but it’s a degree nonetheless, and I can’t believe I made it successfully. As a grumpy old git who’s set in my ways mature-age student, you’d be right in thinking that I came to it with a fat set of preconceptions. They were all shattered; the place was seemingly run by mumbling buffoons who charged around 16 thousand dollars for the privilege of enduring their buffoonery, except for two clear-thinking, efficient souls.
It was a hard slog, and like all students without their parent’s financial support, it was 7 days a week affair, made up of full-time work & full-time study. The work I found myself enduring while fitting in with my action-packed schedule was the truly joyless experience of driving drunks about. All while offering the highest level of courtesy in a bus for a local football club. Almost enough to put me off drinking and football clubs for life.
I even had the unfortunate pleasure of separating urine-affected pokies’ stools from the general population, I mean, can’t you get up and go for a piss rather than just weeing on the seat you’re sitting on, what a bunch of soulless, desperate, incontinent folks you must be. They were. Many visit the club every day of the week, some of them all day every day, with their biological need to play the pokies and drink booze, completely satisfied in the warm timeless bosom of a licensed club, alongside other such addicted breastfeeders.
To be kind, I am very grateful that the club allowed me to adjust my work roster around the university schedule, but certainly not for the endless stream of sad, smelly and sometimes violent patrons they exposed me to. I ended up inspecting the club after graduating, and it was rather pleasing to correct a few issues I’d experienced while working there. One was a chef who thought it was OK to place active serving tongs in his back pocket (next to his rather unclean areas) and then reuse them in the bain maire.
Working here in Lincoln Point has tremendous advantages, although being an ageing cynic who doesn’t exercise or take advantage of the surf and other local natural wonders, it does seem a waste. It’s a pity, though; I like it here, but I normally admire the splendour from my lounge while watching TV, movies or my laptop. The weather is almost tropical, warm, turning to eyeball burstingly hot at times, as humid as all get out, with a very blue-sky mild winter that sees other Australians spending their winters here.
Queensland, and in particular Lincoln Point, is also a magnet for overseas tourists who love the beaches and tropical rainforests and even seem to enjoy being ripped off by their countrymen and women in organised tours and uniquely priced/illegal shopping outlets. Some of the world’s best-known beach breaks are here, too, but it’s been 35 years since I stood on a board.
Working in Council
So, Monday continues as does every working day, shit, shave with the less than satisfactory result that is electric shaving, the joy within the shower, coffee and a few cigarettes, and then I’m off to the boredom that can be my Local Government. Not all the time, though, it’s amazing how tedious things can