Regret Me Not

Danielle Sibarium

Regret Me Not

First printing, 2014

Copyright © 2014 by Danielle Sibarium

Cover art design © CT Cover Creations

Book design by Danielle Sibarium

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the publisher.

The persons and events portrayed in this work of fiction are the creations of the author, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Published by: Platinum Crest Solutions, LLC

Publisher’s Note: The author and publisher have taken care in preparation of this book but make no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of the use of the information contained herein.

Printed in the United States of America

For Michele Ecochardt

In memory of Julian Ecochardt

Acknowledgements

To my husband for always believing in me, even when I don’t believe in myself, thank you!

To Maria Monteiro, thank you for your unending support and patience through the writing of this book. You helped me keep my sanity, although I’m fairly certain I helped you lose yours! 

To Liliana Rhodes I can’t find the words to express what your friendship and support have meant to me. You seem to know just when to reach out to me, and I will be forever thankful to have you in my life.

To Lisa Tubbs thank you for allowing my characters to become real for you and discussing them with me. Thank you for the hard work you put into helping me put forth my best effort.

Thank you to all my readers who have taken a chance on me. 

BONUS-Playlist

I always find while writing a book there are certain mainstream songs that really speak to me about my characters and their journey. There were times when I seriously thought of giving up on Regret Me Not. Not because I didn’t like the story or because I wasn’t driven to write it. Knowing how emotional it was going to be, I wasn’t sure how it would be received. But each time I thought, That’s it. I’m done, another woman would stop me and share her heartache. I knew it needed to be finished. And then I’d turn on the radio and the perfect song would go on. It might not have been absolutely perfect according to what I wrote, but it was the perfect spark keep me moving forward and in helping me relate to my characters on a deeper level. Once you delve into Brayden and Kenzie’s story, you’ll understand the connections these songs have to them. I’m providing the YouTube links for your enjoyment.

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You are the reason by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis

Only Human by Christinan Perri

The Story of My Life by One Direction

All of Me by John Legend

Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay

Already Home by A Great Big World

She's Such a Temptation by Billy Joel

Wake Me Up by Lonel Israti

Lullaby by Billy Joel

Let Me Hold You by Josh Krajcik

Cloise Your Eyes by Michael Buble

Chapter 1

The Homecoming Dance

Brayden looks at me with the same intense longing I've seen in his eyes all night. Every touch lasts a moment too long, making me want to taste the sweet warmth of his delicious lips. Every look smolders, bringing color to my cheeks, as he pairs a look with a stroke of my exposed skin.

His hand moves from the top of my back, slowly, straight down to the bottom, pressing me against him, making my body tingle, my insides quiver. He knows what he's doing, that he's creating a fierce desire inside me; that's what he's counting on.

He inches in a bit closer as we move in perfect precision to the music, slow music that seems to want to keep us on the dance floor, locked in each other’s arms.

Holding me close, he brushes up against me. In an attempt to escape the look in his soft brown eyes I lean into his chest, and rest my head there, bringing me right up against the warmth of his body. The familiar smell of his cologne comforts me, but only for a moment before it feeds the growing fire burning deep inside.

I want him.

Each beat of my heart, every breath, brings me closer to succumbing to this unyielding desire. Every sweet caress serves to convince me we belong together. No matter how I try to convince myself that it’s wrong, that we'll only end up hurting each other in the long run, I keep getting lost in the pleasure the present promises.

A soft moan passes his lips, and I hold him tighter, my fingers dig into the hard muscles beneath his clothes. I know I don't have the strength to fight the cataclysmic pull that keeps me drawn to him, that keeps me unable to move out of his arms.

I look around the large, dimly lit room, but only for a few seconds. I don't care about anything else in here, not the decorations hung on the walls, or the bubble machine chugging away on the side. I don't care to see what the other girls are wearing, or even if they're pretty. Not tonight.

The only thing I want, the only thing my brain could wrap itself around is Brayden; Brayden's brown eyes and award winning smile. The feel of his arms holding me against him. The fresh clean smell that hangs on him no matter the time of day or night.

All I know is Brayden.

I miss you, he whispers, his breath tickling my ear. I'm so glad you're here.

I give myself the benefit of the doubt, thinking I could chance a look in his eyes and not be captivated by their intensity.

I'm wrong. There's heat in his eyes. They're smoldering.

Unconsciously I lick my lip before answering. I miss you, too.

He takes a chance. I knew he would eventually. He leans in, and presses his lips against mine. They're soft and warm, as always. I don't pull away, I want more. My mouth opens, inviting him in as my hips press against his.

I want this kiss. I've wanted it since Brayden picked me up. I didn't initiate it because I wasn't sure one kiss would satiate me. I'm not sure one night will either.

His eyes trail from my head, down, all the way down. I don't miss how they hesitate at the neckline of my dress. I know he wants to bring his hands there; they always seemed to gravitate to that area. But Brayden, being the perfect gentleman, resists the urge. It's a battle apparent in his eyes. He waits and feels me out. He can read my reactions. He knows my body, just as well as he knows my heart.

Do you feel that? He brings his mouth beside my ear and speaks in a soft, velvety tone. Your pulse racing? The swirling of your stomach? Do you feel the heat between us? It's a wild fire burning out of control. It's getting bigger and hotter by the minute.

He kisses me again. This time there's hunger and need in his kiss. One hand gets lost in my hair, the fingers on the other hand press into my flesh. He wants more. He wants all of me, and I want to give it, give in. I swallow hard, still delusional that I have an ounce of control over what I'm doing or where things are leading.

Kenzie, I love you. And I want you back.

That's the final straw. It's the reason I came. I want to make sure it's still there. Not just the attraction that never left, but the love, the desire, the all-out need for each other. I’ve felt it all night. I see it every time he looks at me. But hearing his declaration, I'm lost, prisoner to his every whim.

*

After the dance Brayden brings me back to his room. Our fingers entwine, like I know our bodies will. It's not just about sex for either of us. It's about loving each other and missing each other. It's about him trying to convince me to take back my place in his life, while I prove that although I ended things, he still owns my heart.

I can't believe I've been here over two months without you, he says as he unlocks the door to his dorm. Feels like two years. He smiles his warm flirty smile.

I don't know what to say, and I'm not sure I want to get into the emotional stuff yet. I haven't made a firm decision. Instead of speaking, I rub his back.

This is it. He opens the door and steps inside the large room with his arms open, like a game show model showing off a prize.

It only takes a quick look for me to see which side of the room is his. The neat side, with the made bed, and the picture frames on his desk. The images he treasures are in sharp contrast to his roommate’s posters of topless, big-breasted women hanging on the cinderblock walls.

Brayden keeps close a family picture with his parents and younger brother. And a picture of us from prom night. I have a hard time swallowing. Instead I smile as our eyes meet. I have to keep myself in check. I can't let on how much that means to me.

You cleaned? You were that sure I'd come back here with you?

I lick my lip again without realizing it, his eyes are transfixed on my mouth.

I hoped. I barely hear him. You keep doing that. Every time you lick your lips, it’s like you're highlighting them, reminding me of how much I want to kiss them.

I step toward him, like I'm on the end of an invisible hook and he's reeling me in. My heart picks up speed again. Who's stopping you?

Standing a breath away, his hands find the back of my neck. You know we won't stop with a kiss.

I nod. Yearning to feel his hands, among other parts, in places I don't want to admit. I think I'll burst with anticipation as his fingers slide down to my shoulders, and flirt with the thin straps of my dress. He inches the right one down centimeter by centimeter, almost as if he doesn't want me to notice, then straightens it back to its upright position.

Kenzie, He whispers my name making me shiver. He tilts my head up with his hands at the back of my neck. Tiny bumps cover my skin at the thrill of his touch, and his breath so close.

I close my eyes, getting lost to the feel of being in his arms, delighting in each sensation. His hands move down again. They go on an excursion from my neck to my shoulders, moving down my sides ever so slowly, pausing as he brushes over the peaks of my breasts with his thumbs.

His lips crush mine, his tongue takes possession of my mouth, and mind. I moan and press his head to me as his lips move to the bare skin between my neck and shoulder.

He doesn't intend to just set off a few sparks inside me, to build the wave of need and desire that has been growing all night. His intent is to drive me to the edge of sanity before I beg him to take me. He moves slowly. His hands hesitate on their way down to my waist and wrap around me. He pauses at the zipper of the low back dress giving me a chance to stop him.

I feel his arousal against me as his kisses grow deeper. Hungrier. Needier.

He leans his whole body against mine moving us backward. I feel slack in my dress around my waist and know the zipper is down. In a few moments my dress will look like a puddle on the floor along with his clothes. I'll be wrapped around him, in every way: arms, legs, every part of me will hold him, squeeze him tight, as we get lost to the rhythm our bodies crave.

Brayden, I whisper letting go, allowing myself to not only feel, but revel in each touch, in each brush of his lips. I can't hold back any longer. I don't want to. All I can think about is giving in to the ache, to the need knotting me up like a discarder ball of yarn. I don't want to wait any longer for him to bring me back up to the heights of pleasure we once shared. The heights of pleasure I haven't experienced since we broke up. I want you, Brayden.

Hearing my words creates an urgency in him. His hands cup my face, his breath is quick and shallow. He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes.

Are you sure? His voice is low, gravely.

Not even realizing it, I lick my lips as I nod.

He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and runs his tongue over it. I gasp, and his tongue meets mine once again; his hands move to the straps of my dress and pull them down, this time leaving me standing before him in nothing but my underwear.

It's not fair for me to be the only one undressed."

I work on his shirt buttons. Once they're open my trembling hands glide over his warm, taught skin. I look down, away from his penetrating stare as he unclasps each hook of the bustier keeping me contained. I pull the shirt off his shoulders and toss it to the floor, before my hands make their way first, to his belt buckle, and then the button on his pants.

You look so beautiful tonight. I don't know how I held it together this long.

Wearing no more than a skimpy thong and pair of boxer briefs, we stand before each other, yearning to shed the last bit of clothing and feel skin on skin contact. Brayden backs me up onto the bed. His eyes rake over me with such force, I could feel them graze my skin.

Before he climbs on top of me, he reaches into his pants, grabs his wallet and pulls out a small square package. He sticks it under the pillow. Moans escape him as his hips press into me, grind against me. He's practically making love to me through the thin layer of clothes.

With a long inhale, he rolls to his side, Being close to you feels like heaven.

I reach my hand inside the waistband of his underwear and take hold of him. He closes his eyes as I move my hand up and down his length, full, slow strokes.

His fingers trail down the side of my face and over my lips, into my mouth, moving in and out. I keep my focus on Brayden, watching him with heavy lidded eyes. But that doesn't last long. Brayden's fingertips tease me as they move down my neck, between my breasts, passing my navel, all the way down. His fingers find their destination, between my legs.

It’s my turn to close my eyes as the tips of his fingers brush over and circle around my most sensitive area. Each time I make a sound, or draw in a breath, Brayden's other hand pulls me closer and holds me tighter. I gasp as his fingers plunge inside me first one, and then the other.

Kenzie, you're driving me crazy. If you don't want this, let me know now, because I can't wait much longer.

I want you Brayden. I want to feel you against me, inside me, everywhere.

His mouth meets mine then moves down to my breast, his tongue flickers back and forth over my nipple, before his teeth close around it. I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to wait another second. As if he knows he's pushed me as far as he can, he trails soft sweet kisses down my center to my navel as he removes the cloth barriers between us.

I feel a slight chill as his hands leave my skin to roll the condom on. I lie on the bed naked, watching until he lowers himself to me once again. My hands find his shoulders. I hold on tight with expectation, waiting for the moment we become one.

I don't have to wonder what he's thinking, I can see a range of emotions in his eyes. His hands are on either side of my head, holding me, cradling me close as he hovers above me.

I love you Kenzie. I always will.

I love you too, Brayden,

Using his knees, he pushes my legs out, making more room for himself. He takes my right leg and bending it at the knee, he lifts it. His hand, radiating heat moves over my bare skin, up and down my leg until he cups my bottom. One more deep breath, a long thrust and he's inside me.

Chapter 2

Uh Oh!

When it's over, Brayden lays on top of me; the bulk of his weight rests on his forearms. He looks into my eyes, his usual tenderness seeps out. He's beautiful, and gentle. I'm not surprised; it's why I fell in love with him in the first place. He's always been strong and sweet.

Why did I let him go? Why didn't I just take things as they came?

Can I walk away again? No. I can't.

That was amazing, he whispers before kissing my cheek and then my nose. Even better than the first time.

My first time with Brayden had been my first time. Knowing that, he waited patiently. He understood I needed a friend, first and foremost. Just like the warrior he is on the football field, without fear or hesitation, he stepped up to the challenge.

As we lay, basking in the afterglow, something in his face changes. He looks nervous, frightened almost. Before I can ask what's wrong, he pulls out, and rolls away from me.  

Oh shit. Kenzie, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what he's talking about, or what happened to change the sweet sentimental moment we shared.

Fuck! He continues looking down at himself rather than at me.

What's wrong?

I sit up and place my hand on his shoulder. Fear grips my heart like a vice, tightening with each second he doesn't speak or look at me. Is there someone else? Does he regret what just happened between us? Whatever it is, I know it's not good. I know it just changed our relationship forever.

Mackenzie. He never calls me by my full name. Ever. His glassy eyes meet mine as he strokes the side of my face. I'm sure it's no big deal. I mean, no matter what it'll be okay, I promise.

Brayden, you're scaring me. What the hell is wrong?

He swallows hard. It broke.

What? What broke? My eyes open wide as I understand what he's talking about.

He tries to put his arms around me, but I move out of his reach. You did this on purpose didn't you? I scoot back, away from him. I can't believe you! I yell as I pull the covers up to cover my bare chest.

Why would I do that? His eyes narrow as he looks at me. They're dark and full of pain.

You know why.

"You really think I'd resort to this? You think I'd try to get you pregnant to win you back?"

I nod my head realizing how ridiculous it sounds, but maybe it’s better this way. Better that he thinks of me as a cold, heartless bitch. Then maybe it will be easier on us both. He won't want me back and the decision will be made for me.

It doesn't really matter what I think does it? We can't change what happened.

Brayden grabs my arm, not in a rough way, in a sort of desperate, panicked way, and closes in on me. His face is so close to mine I can see my reflection in his eyes. His voice is low, pleading. "Would that be so bad? I mean is that really the worst thing that could happen?"

I nod. I can't bring myself to say it, but he knows I mean it.

Holy shit! He jumps off the bed and into his underwear. He won't look at me. His posture, his whole demeanor is different. He's cold, hard. I can't fucking believe you! I hear hate in his voice. You come here acting like you still love me, he rants as he rummages through his drawers for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. And I fell for it! Oh God, how could I be so stupid?

Brayden . . . I don't know what to say, but to have him look at me with such anger and disgust, I don't think I could survive it.

Just put your clothes on.

I scamper off the bed and put my dress back on without even a glance from him. He's never acted like this and I know I pushed him too far. Realizing I overreacted, I want to approach him and fix this . . . whatever I just did. At the very least I want to stop the pain that's so evident in his reaction.

Brayden stands with his arms stretched out in front of him, leaning against his desk. His eyes are glued to the picture of us. I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping he'll give me a chance to explain.

Brayden, my voice is low. Too low. I can barely hear it. Look at me.

He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulder away. Get off me.

Brayden, please, I try to turn him around. I didn't mean it. I can't go through with it. I can't hurt him like this. He looks so sad and broken. Please, look at me.

He shakes his head, picks up the frame holding the picture of us and punches it. Hard. I gasp as shattered glass sprays the area around us. Brayden pulls his hand away from the broken frame and toward him. He's bleeding. I see tiny shards of glass sticking out from his skin. I reach for his hand and start to pry the pieces out, but he breaks free of my grip.

Don't touch me. He growls. Don't ever touch me again.

Brayden promised it would be okay, and I know in those first few moments that it’s going to be anything but okay. I've never seen him like this and I know I succeeded in severing the bond between us. I don't think we can ever come back from this.

*

Brayden holds the steering wheel with one hand, the other is wrapped in a t-shirt. I don't bother to ask if it hurts, I know he won't answer. He hasn't spoken to me since it happened.

I think you should go to the hospital and get it checked out.

He ignores me.

I'm serious, Brayden. What if you need stitches?

Still nothing.

It's your throwing hand. What if you can't play?

Then I have you to thank for it. I can look back years from now and know where ever I am in life, it's because I was dumb enough to love you.

He shut me up. Anyone listening in would believe the anger in his reaction is justified. No one would read deeper into why he chose those exact words. Only I know how well prepared and calculated they are. Brayden's words are carefully strung together to hurt, to mutilate me.

He knows out of all the things he could say, out of all the names he could possibly call me, those words would have the greatest impact. Tears sting my eyes, but I won't let him see me cry. He knows he hurt me; I don't have to show him how much.

Brayden stretches his arm out and with the tip of his barely showing pointer finger, presses a button on the dashboard, putting the radio on. The music blasts through the speakers at an ear splitting decibel, making me cringe. I'm afraid my eardrums are going to bleed it's so loud. We can't speak even if I want to, which I do; if I could only think of something to say.

We continue driving for a little over an hour in silence. I reach over and lower the volume as he pulls up in front of my house. He remains quiet wanting to prove he doesn't have anything to say. But I do.

Are you going home, or back to school?

He stares out the driver's side window, not answering.

Please get your hand checked out. I'm worried about you.

No. He looks at me, his lips turn up into a sneer. I've never seen this side of him and I don't like it.

I love you.

Get out! His voice booms.

I have to get out of the car. I'm losing it. My resolve cracks, it shatters like frozen glass. Any second now I'm going to melt into a puddle of tears. I don't want this. I can't deal with him hating me. It hurts too much. I love him. Maybe it takes him hating me to realize how much I want him back in my life.

I long to feel his reassuring arms around me, convincing me everything will be fine. I will him to whisper that he's okay and I'm strong enough to handle this, to handle anything that comes our way. He should know what I want, what I need.

Go, he says in a low, but angry tone.

I step out of the car and take one final look at him. I want to tell him I'm sorry; I want to explain how frightened I am. I know he'll understand if I can find the words. But the look on his face silences me. I did everything I could to avoid him feeling this way about me. And here it is, the final nail smashing into the wooden box encasing our love; preparing it to be buried away, deep underground. Forever.

Instead of saying anything I shut the door, turn and head for my house.

His tires screech as his car pulls away. He doesn't even wait for me to get in. I live in a safe neighborhood, but he never leaves before I make my way into the house. I punch the code in the keypad on the side of the garage door, hoping my parents are sleeping. I don't want to have to talk about the dance or Brayden, or why he didn't bother to come in.

If I'm lucky, no one heard the garage door open. I look around; my mother's car is on one side, my sister's on the other. Since I'm the only one driving her car these days, I think it’s a good place to hide. I climb in and plan to cry until I run out of tears. By that time my parents will be in a deep sleep. They won't wait up for me. They don't have to, they save their energy for Jessica.

Chapter 3

Back to the Beginning

Alone in the backseat of Jessica's car I search for the box of tissues I keep there. Finding it, I curl up into the fetal position and cry. How the hell did I destroy everything good in my life, when all I wanted was to keep it from destroying me?

My mind drifts back to the beginning. Back to the first time Brayden and I speak.  Back to the first time I push him away.

*

Scott Stevens, running back and resident hottie of Liberty High School has a funnel in his mouth as his buddies stand around him