Beyond The Walls of Sanity: Night Office, #2

BEYOND THE WALLS OF SANITY

complied by

Mark Teppo

NIGHT OFFICE

ASSET RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

APS—481/q

FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY

SCOPE: This Advanced Psychological Strategies assessment measures the Mental Acuity & Psychological Stability of a field operative, and should be administered following the completion of a Night Office-sanctioned field operation. It encapsulates the creation of, management of, and dismissal of self-actuated therapeutic personalities, thereby allowing the Office of Psychological Investment Notarization & Emotional Analysis Legation to quantify a field operative’s mental stability. All field operatives must be cleared by PINEAL before being allowed back into field operation rotation.

This assessment tests the integrity of various nth-dimensional sub-structures of the psychological matrices, as well as the field operative’s neural flexibility and capacity for mental peregrinations without suffering psychotic degradation. Results from this exercise will be tabulated into a Mental Acuity and Psychological Stability score, which will be recorded in the field operative’s Life Integrity Existential Schematic.

Commentary in regards to the relative success or failure of any given end point within this assessment is provided to downplay any lasting mental, emotional, physical, or psychological scarring that may result as having undergone this post-field operation assessment.

Night Office Asset Resource Management makes every effort to present these assessments in accordance with the most current policies, procedures, and practical applications of relevant esoteric knowledge, but Night Office Asset Resource Management offers no assurances that these materials are truly up-to-date.

Please ensure that your Willing & Ready Invocation (Form PALM-ISA-84/b) is up to date prior to undergoing this Advanced Psychological Strategies assessment.

DISCLAIMER: This Advanced Psychological Strategies assessment is intended to assess, judge, and quantify the mental stability of Asset Resource Management field operatives, and as such, will expose them to self-directed therapeutic personalities, as well as potentially hazardous secondary effects of exploring these self-awareness actuations, including but not limited to the creation of unexpected mental health stressors, the eructation of previously sublimated personality disorders, the resurgence of uncategorized phobias, irrational fears, and neurological tremors, tics, and fidgets. While Night Office Asset Resource Management has attempted to thoroughly address all possible scenarios and outcomes of these assessments, it is entirely likely that new stressors, hazards, neurological maladies, and other causes for psychotic breaks may present themselves as a result of, or during the process of, or in the aftermath of completing this assessment.

To the extend that local, state, and federal guidelines, mandates, and statutes regarding extra-terrestrial entities, cosmic fungi, and other non-Euclidean monstrosities even exist, Night Office Asset Resource Management makes no guarantee that procedures, policies, and practices as suggested in this assessment make any effort whatsoever to follow these existing guidelines, mandates, and statutes. Nor does Night Office Asset Resource Management assume any responsibility—implied, implicit, or suggested to the contrary—for psychological, physical, and/or mental damage, grief, or distress a field operative may incur as a result of, or during the process of, or in the aftermath of completing this assessment.

INSTRUCTIONS: This Night Office Asset Resource Management Advanced Psychological Strategies assessment is a series of interwoven narrative choices that are intended to chart the mental stability of an Asset Resource Management field operative. At the end of each passage within this assessment, you will be provided with a variety of narrative options. It is up to you to decide which path is the correct path. You should continue to explore the narrative branches until you reach an end point, whereupon you will be provided with a summary statement in regards to the assessment, as well as a Mental Acuity and Psychological Stability score.

Please refer to the Appendix upon completion of this assessment for further details about your MAPS score.

SHORT FORM ACKNOWLEDGMENT: The act of turning this page is a tacit acknowledgment on the part of the field operative that they are engaging in this assessment, and that they do so of their own volition, as per PALM-DLT-23/d.

SECTION A

INTROSPECTION

A-1

This assessment is intended to quantify the current level of mental stability and holistic integrity of an Asset Resource Management field operative. It contains a variety of self-directed encounters with therapeutic personalities. It is an advanced visualization technique requiring exceptional intellectual rigor and a flexible acceptance of subjective reality. It is helpful if you had an imaginary friend as a child.

If you had an imaginary friend, go to A-3.

If you were not allowed imaginary friends, go to A-2.

A-2

A lack of imaginary friends suggests a lack of imagination across the board. When you’re deep in the embrace of a Burbarken Warp Fold, fending off tentacled space cats from Xyullo, being able to think outside the box—rather than the persistent irreality you are currently encased in—is pretty darn useful.

This detail should have been noted in your Life Integrity Experience Schematic. Someone in Personal Acquisition & Liability Management didn’t complete a Inclusive Risk Evaluation form (PALM—IRE—52/a) correctly. The Human Asset Naturalization Department will audit your Life Integrity Experience Schematic to discover who fucked that up, because, frankly, we probably shouldn’t have let you out into the field in the first place.

Well, no matter about that now. You’ve seen things no one should have to see, especially someone with a rigid understanding of how the Universe operates. We’ll just have to press on with this exercise and hope for the best, right?

Well, there was that one time when you did imaginative play about that person you were attracted to in college. Does that count?

Go to A-4.

Yeah, there’s no way around it. You had a dull childhood, a mediocre adolescence, and a monochrome existence as an adult. Which is why you joined the Night Office, of course. You wanted something better, something stranger. We’re sorry that we—ahem—went overboard on the strange shit index.

Would you believe us if we said that we can fix this?

Go to A-5.

A-3

Oh, excellent. The ability to fabricate and interact with imaginary friends is very helpful in this assessment. In fact, we’re going to help you make a new imaginary friend. This one is a therapist. They’re going to talk with you about your feelings in an effort to check on your mental state. You should treat them like all of your other imaginary friends.

The ones you used to douse with kerosene and set on fire? Those imaginary friends?

Go to A-8.

Well, this should be interesting because your imaginary friends typically spanked you when you had been naughty, and you were very, very naughty in that last field operation, weren’t you?

Go to A-9.

Your last imaginary friend was a talking squirrel.

Go to A-10.

A-4

Self-directed sexytime dreams about someone else? Well, it’s not what we meant when we asked if you had imaginary friends, but—in a pinch—it’ll do.

And no, we don’t need to know any more about those sorts of things. Keep them to yourself. Don’t be weird.

Anyway, take a moment and remember how that felt. No, not that part. The other part—the part where you allowed yourself to imagine a conversation between you and someone else. It wasn’t real, of course, but it could have been. This other person could have been making eye contract. They could have been listening intently to the words coming out of your mouth. They wouldn’t have been judging your slipshod sentence structure or your lackluster metaphorical dowhatsits. They’d have been looking into your eyes—a little bit dreamily, perhaps. They were engaged, and you felt like you mattered for a few minutes.

Yes, that’s what we’re talking about. Feeling like you matter. It’s an important element in grounding yourself. If you are seen, then you exist, and if you are a verifiable point of light on the grand map of the cosmos, well, then you can counter the forces of darkness and malign corruption.

This assessment is intended to check whether or not you can still be seen when it counts. Okay?

This makes sense. You think you are ready to begin the hard part now.

Go to A-22.

Wait. This wasn’t the hard part?

Go to A-7.

A-5

How are we going to fix your current inability to create imaginary characters? Well, we’ll roll through several roleplaying scenarios to help activate and jumpstart those sections of your brain. If you complete these scenarios readily and feel that you have been properly motivated and actualized to create therapeutic personalities, we shall continue with this assessment. If you feel these roleplaying scenarios have not provided you with the appropriate level of confidence in regards to making shit up with your brain, you may terminate this assessment immediately. Please report to LIMB where mental conditioning and memory blockers will be installed so as to wipe your history with the Night Office.

Trust us. It is better this way.

Are you ready for some roleplaying?

Yes.

Go to B-1.

Actually, you remember an imaginary friend you once had. His name was Turk McDurk. He was a turtle. He liked rhubarb and barbed wire fences. You used to sing duets together.

Go to A-16.

A-6

Oh, so you played with dolls. Did you invite them to tea? Did you dress them in gender appropriate clothing? Did you assign them various roles, like Lookout, or Interrogator, or Bait? Did you cry when one or more of them were taken from you? Do you think more fondly about them than you do the real people who you work with?

You know, the dolls talk about you when you’re not around. They do.

No, sorry. We’re kidding. We didn’t mean that last bit. You don’t need to discipline them.

Anyway, we’ve gotten off track here. We’ve established that you are capable of having imaginary friends. That’s all we wanted to accomplish here. We didn’t want to distress any portion of your psyche—well, no more than it is already stressed.

It’s okay. Breathe deep. Calm down. Let’s think about this assessment. It’s going to be a simple conversation with your therapist. That’s right. Dr. Nebuchenezzar. You can call him Dr. Nebs. He won’t mind. Go ahead and prepare yourself now. We’re going to visit him in just a moment . . .

Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-1.

A-7

No, no, this is the preamble. The get to know you part before we peel back the top of your skull and go routing around with a dull knife and a spoon. Are you nervous already? Oops. That’ll make things more difficult.

Try to relax. There really isn’t a wrong answer in this assessment, except those narrative paths which lead you to your doom. There are many of them, because this is a Night Office assessment. We like to be thorough in our examinations of our field operatives.

Are you concerned about what we might find when we do this psychological profile?

Yes.

Go to A-11.

Not at all.

Go to A-13.

A-8

We’d like to remind you that lighting people on fire—even imaginary, phantasmagoric, and oneiric individuals—demonstrates a lack of empathy that violates the Morality Clause of your employment contract with the Night Office. As per Subsection 18a of your Personal Invocation & Promissory Exhortation form (PALM—PIPE—87/es), use of naked aggression and physical violence is specifically reserved for non-human and extra-terrestrial predators, mindless chattel, slaved sycophants, and other aberrant intelligences.

Perhaps we misunderstood what you meant by what you said. How about we try that again?

Imaginary friends. Yes or no?

Yes.

Go to A-22.

No.

Go to A-28.

A-9

Oh, we’re very good at reading between the lines, and there was a lot you left out in your report about what happened at the Zel——— house. No, don’t be upset. If there was something amiss in your report, the Human Asset Naturalization Department would have already reached out and asked you to fill out a Operational Causation & Assessment report (HAND—OCA—33/q).

Your HAND—OCA—33/q was fine, by the way. Exemplary, in fact. Field operatives have license to self-censor their reports so as to keep the focus on the actual task at hand. The particulars are rarely important. We generally assume that if your team doesn’t come back, it is because they fucked up and were devoured or mind flayed or taken over by space jellies. We don’t need to know the particulars and we tend to believe field operatives on their reports.

It may not be the best policy, but it is the most honest policy. Some of what you do in order to save the world need not ever be written down.

A large portion of this assessment, in fact, is meant to ascertain your mental state in the wake of the field operation. How do you feel about what you had to do? How does it affect your ability to function well? Are you going to have trouble sleeping at night?

Speaking of which, we should get started on that assessment.

Go to Section C. You may choose any option.

A-10

Oh, you had a talking squirrel as an imaginary friend? What was the squirrel’s name? Nutso? That’s a fine name.

No, no. We’re not judging you. A talking squirrel is very imaginative. It demonstrates a childlike innocence. This sort of resilience against peer pressure and societal insistence on conformity is a source of strength for you. We can see that. Very good.

Are you still talking with Nutso?

What? No.

Go to A-12.

Maybe. Does it matter?

Go to A-14.

A-11

Oh, you do have some concerns about what this psychological assessment might uncover? Is there something you neglected to tell us in your Introspective Summary & Isolated Schematization report (PALM—ISS—33/r)? Or is there something you left off your last Operation Assessment & Review (LIMB—OAR—12/r)?

There might be something you forgot to mention on your Introspective Summary & Isolated Schematization report (PALM—ISS—33/r).

Go to A-41.

Oh, the LIMB—OAR—12/r? You may have forgotten to turn that in. Whoops.

Go to A-40.

A-12

You’re no longer in contact with your imaginary squirrel friend from childhood. What happened? Did you abandon this friend, or did you grow out of requiring this sort of companion?

No, this isn’t a trap. We’re genuinely curious. What happened to the talking squirrel?

Nothing happened. You just drifted apart.

Go to A-33

You’d rather not talk about it.

Go to A-35.

A-13

You’re not concerned? Very good. Then you won’t mind if we get right to it then.

Let’s do this.

Go to Section C.

No,