Break Down to Wake Up: Journey Beyond the Now

Break Down to Wake Up

Journey Beyond the Now

Jocelyn Bellows

Dawn Publishing

© 2020 Joceyn Bellows

Published by Dawn Publishing

www.dawnbates.com

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

For quantity sales or media enquiries, please contact the publisher at the website address above.

Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the British Library.

ISBN:

978-1-913973-03-2 (paperback)

978-1-913973-04-9 (ebook)

Book cover design – Miladinka Milic

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, communicated or transmitted in any form or by means without written permission. All inquiries should be made to the publisher at the above address.

Disclaimer: The material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not to take action on any matters which it covers.

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Moana – One Woman’s Journey Back to Self

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Becoming the Champion – V1 Awareness

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Becoming Annie – The Biography of a Curious Woman

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The Trilogy of Life Itself:

Friday Bridge – Becoming a Muslim, Becoming Everyone’s Business

by Dawn Bates (2nd Edition, 2017)

Walaahi – A firsthand account of living through the Egyptian Uprising and why I walked away from Islaam

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Crossing The Line – A Journey of Purpose and Self-Belief

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Dedicated to

my beloved son, Chase

Contents

Marcia Martin

Foreword

Gratitude

Introduction

Jocelyn Bellows

1. Strike a New Match

Dawn Bates

2. The Scotland Saga

Stephan Neff

3. A Phoenix first must burn

Tomás Garza

4. Reconditioning

Dannie-Lu Carr

5. Loving the Baby Rhino

Paul Honeycutt

6. Bearing Witness

Patrick Cooke

7. Jungle Awakening

Renelle McPherson

8. Tantric Tantrum

Jason B. Kendrick

9. Those Who Can ‘Do’ Those Who Can’t ‘Teach’

Geoff Laughton

10. All Is Not As It Seems

Lisa Berry

11. The Hormone Debate

Brice Hancock

12. Last Call for Alcohol

Kevin Lockwood

13. On a Magic Carpet

Gurleen Khokhar

14. The Inner Calling

Arlene Wallace

15. Breaking up with Being a Broken Parent

Dawn Publishing

Marcia Martin

Usa

The most prolific pioneer behind the scenes influencer on the who’s who in the Human Potential Movement. Marcia is one of the most innovative minds in thought leadership over the last 40 years. Global speaker, corporate executive coach, transformational thought leader, and change maker extraordinaire.

Marcia Martin has trained over 300,000 people around the globe how to look in a very direct way at the prison they have created in life that limits them from reaching their full potential.

Dame Marcia (knighted in 2008) spends her time consulting entrepreneurial and corporate companies in leadership, communication, collaboration and championship performance.

As one of the Founding Members and Sr. Vice President of Erhard Seminars Training – est – (later known as Landmark Forum), Marcia Martin was personally mentored by innovative academic thinker Werner Erhard for 10 years in the art and technology of Self Transformation and Human Development, and helped take the est organization from inception to millions of graduates worldwide.

She has consulted, trained or coached some of the greatest thought leaders and authors of our time including Jack Canfield, Tony Robbins, Lynne Twist, T. Harv Ecker, and Robert T. Kiyosaki.

Foreword

What a magical and transformative book you are about to read and on a subject that is important to all – Why do we stay in untenable situations and how do we get out faster and easier?

I’ve been in many of these kinds of situations – that many people have – where we feel at a loss to move forward or break away from what is not working, and what is not good for us.

The difference between me and most is that from a very young age, I had guidance and training in what to do in such dilemmas, and so, as I experienced these kinds of upsetting breakdowns in life, I also had the blueprint of how to move forward and to succeed in the face of desperation, depression, abuse, addiction, betrayal, and the like. I was lucky to have such information and guidance at an early age.

I consider myself an expert in this domain, having trained and coached over 300,000 people around the world in championship performance, communication excellence, relationship building, and extraordinary leadership.

My life has been blessed with amazing mentors by the time I was 20 and beyond: I was trained personally at the knee of Werner Erhard, Buckminster Fuller, Warren Bennis, Peter Drucker, John Denver, Jerry Weintraub, and Marianne Williamson.

Many people do not have the luxury of this knowledge and this practice to overcome and maneuver in such incidents in life. And so, I am overjoyed to have such a book as Break Down to Wake Up be available to us all. This book holds the answers (and guidelines) to how to get through the dark spaces and how to reach the promised land of personal power and abundance.

The power of this knowledge is in the personal stories shared within this book, from real people, in real situations, who give all those who are up against a seemingly insurmountable circumstance, the road map and courage to get through the darkness and to take the steps into champion action to the light.

I have been there. I lost a child to suicide; I had a divorce from a man I thought would be my lifelong partner; I was betrayed by a lifelong friend; I lost millions of dollars in a business deal gone wrong; and I have loved someone fiercely who did not love me back.

I was able to handle these events in such a way that I came through the experiences in a more powerful way to move forward and take the next step to success. This book will give the reader the guidance to have that same powerful outcome.

The stories in this book are authentic and powerful. Do not despair. Just enjoy and receive the knowledge of how a human being can, in fact, Break Down to Wake Up.

Apply what you learn here and enjoy a new future.

Marcia.

Gratitude

An enormous thank you to the incomparable Dawn Bates. Through the laughter, the tears and a few kicks in the rear – thank you for seeing this vision and believing in me. For sticking through the ups and downs – for it all – for bringing this book to life.

To Marcia Martin – thank you for your insightful words, for bringing shape to this compilation, for your wisdom and understanding of the human spirit.

I wish to thank each and every author who bore their soul and poured their hearts onto the page. By bringing your depths of emotion forward, you give permission for others to heal, so thank you to Lisa Berry, Dannie-Lu Carr, Renelle McPherson, Stephan Neff, Paul Honeycutt, Geoff Laughton, Tomas Garza, Brice Hancock, Kevin Lockwood, Jason Kendrick, Patrick Cooke, Gurleen Khokhar and Arlene Wallace.

And, finally, to my friends and family who have supported throughout this amazing journey called life.

Introduction

Have you ever felt so alone, at the bottom of your barrel that NO one could possibly understand the depth of your despair? Living in your own muck, hating your day to day existence though not really knowing how or what to do to shift yourself, to shift your perspective?

I have.

And that is exactly why I am sharing my story, my journey of bitterness and pain to living a life of peace and joy.

Let me be very clear with this, I still have my moments of darkness. I still have moments of self doubt. Anxiety creeps up from time to time. And, even with all of this, I also know what happens on the other side, when I allow the energy to pass through and see the clarity and beauty within.

Why this book? Why now? I have been asking myself this a lot through this process. It is my journey, it is my greatest lesson. At 40 years old, I found myself at the lowest darkest point in my entire life.

I had moved across the country, walked away from a prolific career, and just months after settling into this next chapter of what I thought was going to be this fantastic adventure, I was in a deep hole. I found myself in a drought of my entire life. I was miserably unhappy in just about every single aspect of my entire way of being.

And, in the months to come; through this journey of healing, I found myself.

I found the essence of my being. This was not a one stop, quick fix, oh no, not even close. It was begging and sobbing and shaking, on my knees, it was digging in to learn about who I am. It was about who I was being.

Why this pain?

Why this sorrow?

Why me?

I was crippled, so afraid I will never truly feel connection or love. I believed that I was not good enough because no one loved me. Yes, these are words that I have said to myself more than once – lacerations to my heart, to my soul.

And in the midst of this, I transitioned into walking with some lightness, to eventually radiating in my light – living wildly beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

But let’s be real – I just summarized years of my life in a few short paragraphs.

All that said, I am more like you and you are more like me than we are different. Our journeys may twist and turn in different ways, our experiences and how we experience life may look, feel, taste and sound different. However, at the base of it all – you and I really are alike.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

And this is why I have chosen to curate this book with my fellow authors. Sharing moments of darkness of pain, of despair, of self-hatred of ugliness, each of us have felt it all.

Collectively, we are sharing our own journeys through alcoholism, relationships, leaving a cult, reinventing what it means to be a family, seeing our bodies as beautiful and strong, recognizing toxicity in the workplace and even more important – toxicity within ourselves. Each of us has been there and I promise that you are not alone.

The more we share our stories, both publicly and privately, the more I realize that there are so many of us out there who have hit the darkest depths of hell and the lowest of lows.

And, in our own personal strength, of embracing ourselves, finding our own fire, striking a new match, each of us have the ability to create a life wildly beyond anything we could possibly dream.

In the chapters to follow you may see yourself in one or more of these journeys, you may find yourself relating to how one of these authors may have felt.

I promise you; this is temporary and that is why we call it journeying beyond the now because The Now may feel infinite, and yet it’s just a fleeting moment. When the light returns there will be another dark cave, and there will be light again, and know that this is all connected and with each journey we get stronger and more brilliant in our way of being.

Because by sharing your journey at your lowest of lows, you found yourself. It was this path you bravely crawled, walked and ran into your own personal freedom. Finding yourself, your joy, your love and thriving.

You are not alone

Your story is valuable.

You are loved.

Always remember that.

Lovingly,

Jocelyn Bellows

Break Up to Wake Up Coach

Podcast Host: Leap

www.facebook.com/jocelyn.bellows24

www.anchor.fm/whatsyourleap

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else’s survival guide.

Ehraz Ahmed

Jocelyn Bellows

USA

Break Up to Wake Up Coach

Host of Leap, The Podcast

www.facebook.com/jocelyn.bellows24

www.anchor.fm/whatsyourleap

Jocelyn Bellows is a Break Up to Wake Up Coach, Author, Podcast Host and Motivational Speaker. In the wake of the ending of her marriage in 2017, she began a journey of self-discovery, learning and expanding on understanding why she was the way she was and took actions the way she did.

During this intentional journey, she uncovered the truth of who she is and her continually evolving life’s purpose.

Jocelyn works with men and women, allowing them to discover their deepest and truest selves. Together, they uncover the layers of stories and untruths that each of us have told ourselves, getting to the roots and re-writing the story. By understanding those base layers and removing the weeds, one then gets to create room to plant a new story line that nourishes the soul and allows us to live a life of purpose. As the host of Leap, Jocelyn interviews life coaches from around the world about their own ‘leap of faith’ in creating a life of purpose and fulfilment. Jocelyn currently resides in Colorado with her son.

One

Strike a New Match

I am a co-dependent. There, I said it.

Wow!

I don’t think I’ve ever said that about myself before. And when I finally understood what that was, I truly began to understand the patterned behavior I had throughout each and every one of my romantic relationships, my friendships and every personal relationship I have ever created in my entire life.

This has been a key in unlocking the truth of who I am, how I love and how I relate to my being in this experience called life.

And I only truly understood this when I finally broke down to my lowest point of my being, feeling that I had lost everything and found myself.

Here I was again.

Sobbing, crumpled on the floor.

This as a result of what most might consider a simple conversation between husband and wife. This scene had become a common occurrence throughout my marriage. Conversation over finances, grocery shopping, plans for the week, you name it, a mundane non-confrontational communication became a sparing of words and often ended with me cowering. This has become my defense mechanism as a way to transition out of the conversation right here in front of us. I wrapped myself very tightly in my victimhood.

Forty years old and no backbone, no ability to stand up on my own and speak my power, speak my truth. And I was SICK of it. I was sick of the situation, of this scene I watched – no played part in – for the last decade plus of my life. Oh, wait, who am I kidding, for my ENTIRE LIFE.

I was angry. I was angry at my partner. I was angry with myself. No, anger isn’t quite enough. I was sad, depressed, rageful, sorrowful, empty, lifeless, challenged, confused, lost.

What the hell was I doing here? How the hell did my life get to this point? Do I even remember what it was like to feel an ounce of joy? Of life? Of peace?

Surely not at this moment. Blinking through the steady tears rolling down my face – I recognized this as the only standard in my life. Unable to communicate my needs, my only defense was to play victim. Victim of the conversation. Victim of my marriage. Victim that I was never ‘good enough’, never pretty enough, not a good housekeeper, cook, wife, mother, friend.

Was this true? Well, it sure felt like it as I lay on the floor unable to move. The weight of my burdens so heavily laid upon me. In this moment, while my son sat in a chair across the room watching his mother beg and plead for the words to stop piercing my frail skin. I didn’t know what was real or what I created as my reality.

I couldn’t bear to look at my son. I didn’t want him to see me in this state – weak and small. I wanted him to leave. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run. Inside my head, there was this ranting dialogue, What the hell are you doing here? Stand Up for Yourself and yet no words left my lips. The salt water of tears, an all too familiar taste on my tongue.

I held a tremendous amount of shame for what my life had become. I felt abandoned, unloved and loathed just about everything in my life. And worst of all – I blamed everyone else around me for what my life was.

I trusted someone else with my heart. I trusted that I wasn’t going to get hurt even though I fell so hard for my husband. I ignored my own intuition when I knew I had to leave. I loved him. I loved him in the only way I knew how to love another.

I relied on someone else to love me. I relied on someone else to take care of me. I relied on someone else to make me happy. And, none of that – not one ounce of that did I feel. I was bereft. I was an empty shell. I was a plastic bag being blown in every which direction the wind wanted to take me.

Fall of 2017, I truly knew that my marriage was over. I was checked out. I’d finally put very heavy boundaries around protecting and shielding my heart from the man that I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. And in the darkest recesses of my being I was emotionless about this knowledge.

He loved me. He loved me in the best way he knew how.

And, he didn’t fail my marriage either.

I did.

I failed my marriage because I didn’t love myself. Even writing this, it is an excruciating pill to swallow.

Once I made this decision to leave, I knew in my heart it was the absolute right decision I needed to make for me. I couldn’t explain it, I just felt it.

Because I felt as if I had been hurting for so many years. I was heavily armored, protecting my heart from damage and attack from anyone outside of my being. Wearing this layer was the only thing I knew how to do.

All that I knew was that I wanted ME back. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was a shell of a human. I didn’t know who I was, what I enjoyed or even liked about myself. FORGET loving myself. That wasn’t even an option.

Looking in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. I was hollow. I was a shell. I was gaunt, but not the physical sense; useless, directionless.

Moreover, I HATED myself. Yes, I hated myself. How did this happen? How did I allow myself to go this far down into a deep dark sullen state? It was not depression, not this time. It was a TOTAL LOSS of my distinction of being.

In the days after filing for divorce, the grayness, the flatness, the inability to see anything clearly – I truly do not remember how I flowed through those early days. The pockets of memories, which seem like horrific nightmares were of me listless in my home, tears flowing, endlessly, no energy, no ability to get up, to move.

For weeks on end, I sat alone in my five bedroom home in silence. Sometimes weeping softly, sometimes screaming and sobbing, sorrowful for all of the errors in my ways of being. Not honoring myself, not loving this person that I was.

I spent days on the sofa and away from all technology. It was devastating for me to even acknowledge that life was moving all around me – people laughing and loving and the world spinning on.

I was not.

I was still.

I was paralyzed.

Only a few of my friends had been through a divorce – however, each of them had moved forward and were in new, fulfilling relationships. And, yes, while maybe they had walked this path, I still didn’t think for a moment that ANYONE could possibly know this despair – this brokenness, this mess that I had been.

For the first time in my life I really truly felt all alone. I stopped communicating with my friends, I turned my phone off for days because it was too painful to never have any messages from anyone inquiring about my well-being.

The loneliness was all that filled my days and it was by my choosing. I had to understand why I ended up in this marriage that I had felt so alone in for so long, I had to understand why I felt so unfulfilled in my career, why I felt so unfulfilled in my relationships with others because I had no idea.

I remember in the early days after I made my decision, having lunch with a new friend who had been divorced many years and was now remarried. She shared very wise words with me at that moment and loosely she shared with me the fears that I couldn’t put to words, When you are faced with making a decision of this magnitude that is revolutionizing your life, it is if someone had torn the landscape off from your purview, the dreams that you once had are now no longer, and it’s all been smoke, all just fire. And what is left is a blank slate. Dreams are dashed. It is just a blank canvas.

And I often reflect on those words because they were so powerful to me. At that moment, I thought to myself then well now what? What does my future hold? Because there’s nothing on it.

With tears rolling down my cheeks as I shared with her, this is exactly how I felt. Only the canvas at that moment felt dark and heavy. What I failed to see in this conversation was what were the possible opportunities to craft an entirely new life – create a new picture, a new scene.

It took several months for me to even pick up any writing utensil to create a new mark on my blank canvas because I lived in such a paralysis of fear. I knew somehow I was always going to survive financially. I had come this far – supported myself and my family – so that fear was eradicated.

My biggest, most overwhelming, kept me up at night, inability to breathe, inability to be present in the moment – was when was I ever going to love again? Who could possibly love this broken mess of a woman. This woman who ended a marriage without a job who was just hanging by a thread most days. How could anyone want to be with me?

You see, the words echoed in my mind – I am not, nor will I ever be good enough because no one loves me. Yes, this is exactly how I felt for most of my life. My validation was only believed if I was seen and valued by another, no, specifically, by a man.

The judgments were harsh – far and wide – and unrelenting at times.

I failed. I failed at marriage. I failed my son. I failed my parents. I began beating myself up for not being fulfilled and for being weak and small. Believing that I was a complete, total and utter failure because no relationships to this point had actually worked. Self-loathing at its finest.

Begging and pleading, when was I going to love myself enough to live a life that I wanted to live?

I began asking myself where did I go wrong? I began asking what was my role in this? What was I bringing to the table? Who was I being in this marriage? Who was I being in my life?

But even in my deepest darkest points of bleakness, of greyness, listlessness – there was still a spark – something deep in my belly that kept saying, Press Forward. You will be okay. Maybe for only a moment today, but I am okay. I still had an ember left inside of me and that ember was what kept me going.

Even with that defiance of the self-doubt and leaning just ever so slightly into the idea that I am going to survive, I still had a major inquisition with myself.

What is it going to take? What will it take for me to let go of my victimhood, my sorrow, my anguish, my self hate?

Did I have it in me?

I had no idea what was to come.

I didn’t take some magical trip around the world or escape into a false reality.

No. I dug in.

I dug into getting to know me.

Over time, I transitioned from a self loathing perspective to a self loving perspective. It was in this transition when I began to really understand what it meant to love myself. That canvas that was white and blank and empty began filling up a little bit of color and warmth and brightness.

I began to uncover that my part in this marriage no longer working was because I did not ask