Waited So Long

Prologue

Bern

2009

Iheld on a few seconds longer than I should have, but except for leave, this would be the last time I saw Devon Hoffman. His smaller frame fit perfectly against mine. But the moment was bittersweet. I was allowed to hold him one last time. Devon's husband cleared his throat, and I barely restrained myself from shooting the man a death glare. Lawrence had never deserved Devon. I'd known that fact for years.

In a few minutes, I'd have to walk away from him for a second time to put the distance necessary between us. I was barely more than a teenager when I'd noticed how beautiful he was when he smiled. The musical quality of his laughter. I also knew how he shut down when his husband was too close. So that was the first time I’d had to walk away, and I ran all the way across the country to UVA in Virginia.

He was married, had pledged his life to one man for the past twenty years, and I couldn't compete with that. I released him but took the opportunity to stroke my hands across his lower back to his hips. My gaze caught his for a split second.

You be careful.

I will. I'd joined the military at twenty-one to put myself as far from temptation as I could get and I was leaving for boot camp. The need for him had been tearing my heart out because I couldn't have him. Outwardly, I’d understood my love for him was wrong. He was older and married, but my brain still screamed at me that he was mine. I’d never done more than hug him or watch him from a distance, and I hadn’t given my inappropriate needs a voice. That didn’t mean that every night since I figured it out I didn’t live in a fantasy world where we were together.

Take care of Dad for me? I asked because I knew it would keep him close. I could ask my dad how he was doing and if he seemed okay. I didn't think his husband would physically harm him, but the emotional and mental abuse were just as detrimental.

I promise. You'll be home before you know it.

I wanted to confess all the secrets I'd kept to myself. Tell Devon that he was mine and promise I could make him happy.

I was only twenty-one, but at fifteen, I'd known the older man was meant to be mine. Maybe it had been a childish fantasy of the beautiful older man. Yet, I didn't think so. I could see the toll his unhappy marriage was taking on him. He smiled less. No longer found joy in the things he loved.

Every second of the last six years, I'd studied everything about him. His likes and dislikes. The things he took the most happiness in, like the way he'd turn his face up to the sun as he tended his garden. His expression was always serene. I knew what that calmness looked like as it was destroyed by the slamming of a car door. And the way his body would deflate.

I'd bitten my tongue until it was raw. I was chunky and too tall with a baby face. People would say I was too young to know what love was, but I'd learned everything I needed by caring for him in the only ways I could.

I couldn't stay any longer. I turned my attention to my dad. His face was streaked with tears. It had just been the two of us for twenty years since my mom died. Leaving him alone pained me. I worried if he'd sleep if I wasn't there to tell him to or if he'd eat. He was lost without someone to make his life orderly. Mom had done that for him and I'd naturally taken over the role as soon as I realized what he needed.

Being a caretaker came naturally for me. I wanted the kind of love that still shined in my dad's eyes when he spoke of my mother years after we'd lost her. She'd been his everything. His center. His comfort. I craved to know even a sliver of what my parents felt for each other, but I knew it wasn't meant to be. I took one last look at Devon as I told my dad bye. Assured him I'd be fine, but he knew my trips home would be rare. He understood, and that's all I could ask, but he said he'd visit as much as possible.

I released my dad and picked up my bag and turned away. I refused to look back. Hoping the separation and the span of a country—maybe an ocean—would cure me of my unrequited love.

2018

I read the email repeatedly for the last ten minutes focusing on a single sentence in the short message. I'd just rolled from the bed and told the man there it was time for him to go. My phone signaled that I had an email, so I checked it. I was concerned for a moment as my dad only sent me an email once a week with a rundown of his and Devon's week. The subject line had important typed out in all capitals.

The man behind me pressed his lips to my back.

I said it was time to go.

I barely heard him call me an asshole, and I didn't care about his opinion. I'd picked him up in a bar, and I couldn't even remember his name. To be honest, I hadn't given a damn. I'd just wanted to get off and now that it was over with, I had no interest in a repeat.

Nothing had changed in the years of separation I'd put between myself and Devon. I still dreamed of him and worried every day if he was okay. If he was being loved on or neglected, but I knew everything. Dad kept me up-to-date. The last few years, Dad suspected that Lawrence had been fucking around. He’d left Devon alone for trips and dinners with so-called friends. Devon had meals and spent more time with my dad than he did with his husband.

Lawrence asked for a divorce.

My heart sped in my chest. My boy was free. My boy could be mine.

The door of my apartment slammed, and I relaxed. I knew I wasn't in a relationship with Devon, but I still felt guiltier with every man I fucked. They were always a poor substitute for the one I needed. Months morphed into years, and with every year, I’d lost the tenuous hold on my hope he’d one day be free.

I started planning as I stood up and headed for the bathroom, then I sat my phone beside the sink. The man looking back at me wasn't the one who’d left. I had another year on my contract. I'd need to put in my papers saying I didn't want re-up for another tour.

I was older and harder. While I was happy with my choices, the years in the military had me starting to feel the weight of the expectations. The role I played to keep myself away from Devon.

I washed my face and cleaned myself up, wanting to rid myself of the stranger’s scent. Then picked up my phone and called my dad.

I knew you'd call as soon as you got it.

His voice didn't hold an ounce of judgment. We'd always promised to be honest with each other, and I'd confessed my feelings to him about Devon the day I experienced the first wave of the crush. Crush—that word lacked the intensity of what I’d felt. Obsession turned to love, then to heartbreak when I had to tell him goodbye.

What happened?

Devon is kind of a mess. He just said Lawrence came home with the papers. Claimed he didn't want to be married anymore. Devon is lost at the moment. He's forty-seven, and after close to thirty years, you think you're in it for life.

Is he staying with you?

No, Lawrence got an apartment and moved out a few days ago. I didn't know anything until Devon showed up tonight. I don’t think it really hit him until Lawrence didn’t come back. I put him in your old room to sleep here tonight. I knew that would satisfy your possessive nature.

For the first time in a long while, a true smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I loved that Dad got it.

I'm coming home, but it'll take a bit. You'll take care of him until I get there?

I've been taking care of him for you for a long time. A bit longer isn't going to hurt anything. You just do what you have to do. He's going to need some time to process before a bossy younger man makes his intentions known.

I agreed. I was his best friend's son. That wasn't going to be something easily accepted, especially after his long marriage ended. I'd tried not to hope too much, as time passed, I realized how small that spark of optimism had dimmed until I’d resigned myself to unhappiness in settling for a man who’d never completely take Devon’s place.

Just get home safe, and I'll make sure he's okay until you can take over.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

We spoke a few more minutes as Dad caught me up with his life and how he was doing. We said goodbye, and I disconnected the call. Everything I needed to do was playing through my head, but