Saving Ourselves from Suicide - Before and After: How to Ask for Help, Recognize Warning Signs, and Navigate Grief

Testimonials for

Saving Ourselves from Suicide

"In graphic, painful detail, the author chronicles the unraveling of her son Nick’s short life and the reasoning and rationalizing of choices he and their family made. There are many moments of recognizable parental concerns that can touch those who may wonder about the safety of their own child. A call for compassion that is visceral as the author explains how slights, bullying, ignoring, and ridicule can have a cumulative effect on someone who is suffering from mental illness.

"The author has a crystal clear vision of mental health and the continuums of illness. She connects the lack of understanding that accompanies mental illness with how stigma arises and festers in a real way so that an imperative for education is obvious.

"One thing that stands out in this account is how difficult it is to understand mental illness if you do not have experience with it. Highly educated persons can hold misconceptions and still miss the nuances of family and individual pain and fail to connect the dots.

"Saving Ourselves from Suicide is both a personal journey and warning to families. The author is clearly on a mission to save others from the tragedy that befell her family. It is invaluable."

—Christine Z. Somervill, PhD

Director of Programs, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness),

Cook County North Suburban, Chicagoland

"Saving Ourselves from Suicide is a touching account of one family’s survival after losing their son and brother to suicide. While this is a loss that none of us would wish on anyone, Saving Ourselves from Suicide gives a meaningful glimpse into the powerful loss and the many things we can do to support each other and our loved ones through struggle."

—Alison Malmon

Founder/Executive Director, Active Minds

"In Saving Ourselves from Suicide, Linda Pacha tells the story of her son, Nick, honestly recounting significant experiences and events in his life and outlining his unique challenges and strengths in an effort to better understand why he died by suicide. Linda gives details about the ways she and her family grieved differently and outlines the methods that they used to cope with Nick’s traumatic death, including increasing their understanding of mental health challenges, the role of their faith and spiritual beliefs, and the power of connecting with others who have had similar experiences. The common thread throughout the book is Linda’s call for all to be kinder and more compassionate to one another, to search for understanding, and to be aware of how our actions impact others."

—Rev. Charles T. Rubey

Founder/Director, Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS),

a nondenominational program and division of Catholic Charities

This book is important on so many levels. It describes the emotional journey of living through the events leading up to suicide and walks through the painful steps of the initial shock and long grieving process. It is a valuable resource to make it through grief and loss. This is a visceral but important read.

—Steve Arkin, MD

Attending Neurologist, Miami Valley Hospital

Assistant Professor, Wright State University, Dayton, Ohio

Cofounder, SpeakUp

"Various kinds and levels of adversity are an inevitable part of this life, but such adversity does not have to result in despair. However, without emotional connection with others and a spiritual grounding, we are left to feel isolated, alone, and ultimately without hope. We as a society have become so relationally disconnected from one another that it has led to despair, resulting in rising rates of depression and suicide. Open and honest conversation about mental health and suicide is needed now more than ever in our society. Through the eyes of a loving mother, this book does just that in a candid, caring, and hope-filled way, providing a needed narrative of one family’s journey with the challenge of mental health issues. Saving Ourselves from Suicide is a significant contribution to the critical dialogue that we all need to be engaged in regarding how to reduce the stigma of mental health in our society. It is a call to action to turn the tide of despair that is now so prevalent in our culture today."

—Rev. Dr. Scott Mitchell, MTh, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

President and CEO, SamaraCare

"Awareness, education, and connection are keys to tackling the overwhelming issue of suicide in our society. The author’s voice in Saving Ourselves from Suicide brings awareness to a new level through her brave and honest account of the death of her beautiful son by suicide and the impact this had on her family and the community."

—Fran Zucco, BSN, RN-BC

Clinical Leader

Linden Oaks Behavioral Health

"Linda Pacha’s Saving Ourselves from Suicide draws you into all the emotions and fears that parents experience as they attempt to help their beloved child negotiate the changes, chances, and most certainly the unkind aspects of life. A high-functioning mental/personality challenge, sexual orientation questions, depression, resulting isolation, and bullying and ridicule by peers, classmates, and total strangers set a course that no parent would seek for their child’s kind, tender, and formative soul. Linda’s story of Nick and his journey draws you empathically into his and her experience. You find yourself at the emotional bottom when Nick makes the ultimate decision that is irreversible. Instead of being stuck there as an end point, Linda continues to write how she finds that the bottom is firm with the ability to rebound in measured steps. Her faith, a hope to heal, love from family and close friends, and their support actually fueled a wounded healer’s heart. As part of her pathway to healing, she has chosen to passionately share insights, information, and resources to help others decide to stay or to assist the healing of those who have experienced the tragic loss of a loved one to suicide. You cannot heal alone, and her sharing may be the best informed, friendly advice you could receive. It comes from a deep, painful experience and with the authenticity of a mother’s broken heart."

—The Rev. Dr. Steven R. Rottgers

Canon to the Ordinary, Episcopal Diocese of West Missouri

Author of I Am Yours

"Saving Ourselves from Suicide is a courageously written memoir from a mother navigating the loss of her son. Not only is this book a must-read for anyone suffering a loss to suicide, it is also a guide offering support for those living with a loved one who suffers from mental illness. Having survived the loss of my own twin brother to suicide, I can say that the honesty with which Linda shares her journey, describing the events before and after the loss of her son, is both compelling and relatable. Rather than hiding behind the stigma of suicide and weighing the reader down with unnecessary stats and references, Linda’s heartfelt storytelling opens the door for us survivors to move through our pain and start healing. Saving Ourselves from Suicide reminds us survivors that we are not alone in our grief and together, we can move forward and start living again."

—Monica Pedersen

Former HGTV Host, Author, Interior Designer

Saving Ourselves from Suicide—Before and After: How to Ask for Help, Recognize Warning Signs, and Navigate Grief

Copyright © 2019 by Linda Pacha

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever without the written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For further information contact AutumnBloom Press, Naperville, Illinois.

This book provides helpful information and motivation on the subjects discussed. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not in any way rendering any type of medical, psychological, or any other professional advice. This book is not meant to be used, nor should it be used, to diagnose or treat any medical, psychological, or other condition. For the diagnosis or treatment of any medical, psychological, or other problems, consult your own physician, psychologist, or other health-care provider. If you are in crisis, call 911 for immediate help. No warranties or guarantees are expressed or implied by the contents of this book. The author and publisher shall not be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

All scripture quotations in this publication are from the Good News Translation in Today’s English Version-Second Edition Copyright © 1992 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.

The names and identifying details of certain individuals have been changed to protect their privacy.

Cover Design: Susan Olinsky

Copyedit: Christina Roth

Page Design: Lissa Auciello-Brogan

AutumnBloom Press is wholly owned by Nick’s Network of Hope, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Names: Pacha, Linda, author

Title: Saving Ourselves From Suicide—Before and After: How to Ask for Help, Recognize Warning Signs, and Navigate Grief | Linda Pacha

Description: First Edition. | Naperville : AutumnBloom Press, [2019]

Identifiers: Library of Congress Control Number : 2019957802

978-1-7344096-8-0 (hardcover)

978-1-7344096-9-7 (ebook)

978-1-7344096-1-1 (trade paperback)

Saving Ourselves from Suicide—Before and After is also available for purchase for promotional, educational, or business use on the Nick’s Network of Hope website, nicksnetworkofhope.org. The author, Linda Pacha, is the founder/president of Nick’s Network of Hope, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit charity that provides resources, education, and support about life challenges with an emphasis on mental health awareness, suicide prevention, and grief and loss.

Dedication

To my son, Nicolas (Nick), a bright light who was the kindest and purest soul I have ever known. He taught me how to look for the good in people. It was always important to Nick to bring more kindness and compassion in this world, and he did so by reaching out and helping others. This book honors his life by continuing his mission, offering information, hope, and solace to everyone who reads it. Thanks, Nick, for showing me that love is truly eternal and transcends any veil of separation.

Contents

Testimonials

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Contents

A Note to the Reader

1 Losing a Child: A Metaphorical Look

2 Mental Health Issues and Suicide Can Happen in Any Family

3 Nick’s Story

The Big Giveaway

The Asperger’s Theory

Socializing in College and More Asperger’s

Private Residence (First Semester)

Apartment Lease and Dilemma (Second Semester)

The Rumor

The Flight

Saturday and Sunday

Final Morning

Jamba Juice

The Wait

Visit from Detective

4 Calls, Dorm, and Trip Home

Making Calls

Trip to Dorm

Trip Back Home

Front Line of Support

5 Initial Days of Grief

First Days

Those Difficult Few Visitors

Would-Haves, Could-Haves, and Should-Haves

6 The Memorial Service

7 Body Is Found, and Videos Appear

Body Identified, and Ashes Come Home

Videos

8 Bullying and Social Difficulties

Grade School

Middle School

Lunchtime

Gym Class

Calls, Texts, and No Responses

Finally, an Invite

High School

Lunchtime

Band

More Bullying

Graduation Party and Friends?

Lunch Date before College—Where Do I Fit in the World?

College

9 Stigma and Complexities of Mental Health

Misconception about Selfishness

Misconception about Cowardice

Misconception about Lack of Faith in Higher Power

10 Social Landmines

Going Out for Groceries

First Steps Back into Society: Talking With Other School Parents

Difficult Social Interactions With Friends

Voluntarily Socializing With Others

Meeting New People

Being Judged

Sibling of Suicide

11 More Grief and the New Family

Emotions of First Year

Grieving Individually and Together as a Family

New Family and New Dynamic

Marriage

Physical Effects from Grieving

12 First Anniversary, Second Year, and Beyond

The First Anniversary

The Second Year

Beyond the Second Year

13 A Matter of Faith

Shattered Faith Then Restoration and Renewal

Prayerful Moment in Waiting Room

Suicide Mom

Forgiveness

14 Choices, Changes, and Self-Growth

Choices after a Tragedy, a Significant Loss, or Both

Opportunity for Self-Growth

Change in Self-Image

Change in Priorities and Perspectives

15 Practical Tips for Loss Survivors

Reasons to Keep Pushing on

Recommendations (What Worked for Us)

Rely on Your Faith

Train Your Brain

Keep Your Vacations, Holidays, Traditions, and Celebrations

Change the Room and Give Things Away When Ready

Confront Things That Might Get Weird

Consider Alternatives to Mood-Altering Substances

Postpone Life-Altering Decisions

Find Humor

16 Risk Factors and Warning Signs

Risk Factors

Warning Signs

Verbal

Emotional/Mood

Behavioral

Nick’s Risk Factors

Nick’s Unwritten Warning Signs

Nick’s Warning Signs in Texts

17 Things to Know to Help Yourself and Others

Things You Should Know to Help Yourself

Make a Safety Plan

Yell for Help and Then Allow It

Bullying and Other Mistreatment Are a Reflection of Them, Not You

You Are Not a Burden

People Care More Than You Think

You Have the Benefit of Time

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Struggles Get Better

What Nick Would Want You to Know

If Hope Is Lost, Reach Out to Others

Things You Should Know to Help Others in Pain

It’s Okay to Ask If Someone Is Having Thoughts of Suicide and an Exit Plan

Listen, Ask Open-Ended Questions, and Don’t Try to Fix

Do Not Be a Cheerleader When People Need Help

Believe the Behavior More Than the Words

If Significant Difficulties Exist, Stay Close

Things to Help Suicide Loss Survivors

Do Not Avoid

Listen but Do Not Compare or Try to Fix

Remember Loved Ones and Talk about Them

Allow Them to Work through Each Birthday and Anniversary of Passing

18 A Better and Safer Tomorrow

Gather Info From as Many Attempt Survivors and Loss Survivors as Possible

Lessen the Pressure We Put on Our Youth

What Is the Pressure?

How to Lessen the Pressure

Create a Movement to Teach Kindness, Compassion, Empathy, Inclusion, and Other Ways to Be Humane

19 Final Stories of Hope

Story One: Stay Here, My Friend

Story Two: Elevator Friends

Acknowledgments

Reading Group Discussion Questions

Additional Resources

Notes

About the Author

A Note to the Reader

From cover to cover, this is a life preserver. It’s for everyone struggling with life challenges, hardships, or conditions such as depression and anxiety, as well as for those griev ing through the aftermath of a significant loss. I wrote it with all of you in mind—for your family, your friends, and anyone else who cares about you. It’s also for the people who want to lessen the pressure we put on ourselves, especially our youth, and live in a world with more kindness, empathy, and compassion.

The first half of this book is the true story of the heartbreaking life and suicide of Nick, my nineteen-year-old son. It also details the grief journey of the rest of my family—my husband, Tom, and my then seventeen-year-old daughter, Kelli. Using the insight gained from those experiences, I offer you helpful recommendations and practical advice in the second half, including many bulleted lists you can refer back to when needed. The real-life examples from my family’s story give you solid takeaways to help yourself or the people in your life. For example, instead of merely giving a list of warning signs for suicide, I show you these signs in my son’s behaviors and within his actual text messages, giving you a clear picture of what types of behaviors and communications to watch for in your family and friend groups.

Rather than simply supplying you with a list of recommendations for ways to work through grief, I allow you to witness my family’s journey through it and see for yourself what worked for us, and what didn’t. I describe in detail the bereavement journeys my husband, my daughter, and I had no choice but to take. I give you what helped us get through our grief, such as being kind and supportive to one another, training ourselves to turn negative thoughts into more positive ones, and relying on our faith. You will see how the three of us navigated our new family dynamic and what Tom and I had to consider when parenting our daughter after her brother’s death. There were many steps the three of us had to take to get back into society after suffering such a profound loss. Learning what others feel and how they react when going through something similar to you can often provide comfort, knowing you are not alone in your feelings and actions.

You will read details about my son’s suicide and the events leading up to his death, including bullying and other acts of unkindness. You will have access to personal and private conversations between my son and me about things like sexuality and fitting into society. I discuss many topics our society does not openly talk about and offer information you may find helpful for someone in your life. You will learn about the stigma that attached to Nick, before and after he died, as well as to my family. I tell how we have handled that stigma over the past seven years and discuss some common misconceptions about suicide.

As you read, consider the things Nick could not see, feel, or understand, like all the people who loved and cared about him, as evidenced by the testimonials at his memorial service. See the hope that was there for a good future and recognize the self-worth he was unable to understand or fully appreciate. Think about all the options he had, even though he thought there was only one—to end his life.

Hopefully, Nick’s story inspires us all to find hope and see the people in our lives who care about us, that it helps us understand and appreciate our own precious value and the options we all have in life. Suicide is never the answer. There is no going back after making that choice, and there are no do-overs. I am sure Nick did not fully understand the finality of his decision or how it would shatter the lives of those he loved.

Rest assured, I’m not trying to be a psychologist or any other health-care professional. I don’t think I have cornered the market on suicide or grief and make no claim to have all the answers. I’m a mom who loved her son wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Living with someone for nineteen years who was bullied, felt lonely, and ultimately suffered from depression that led to suicide has forever changed me and my family. My family has learned a lot being so close to Nick’s pain, his needless death, and the aftermath as we navigated our grief. We did not understand Nick was suicidal and saw the warning signs only when it was too late. Benefit from our hindsight and everything else we learned through experience, research, conversations, and grace to help your loved ones, others around you, or perhaps even yourself.

Before my son died, I was busy with my life and unaware to what extent mental health issues exist in our world, let alone in my own home. Many of us live incognizant of them until someone we know and care about struggles to stay or, worse yet, leaves. Likewise, sometimes it takes a friend or loved one having difficulties fitting in or being treated poorly by others to open our eyes to the many people among us who are in pain. We suddenly see how necessary it is for us all to be more kind, accepting, and helpful to others, especially those in need.

As a society, we can no longer remain tight-lipped when it comes to mental health and suicide because there are too many people suffering. Those of us who have learned something about depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues need to share that knowledge to help those in pain and to offer information and assistance to families, friends, and everyone else who will listen. In this book, my family and I push away the stigma of mental health and suicide and hold nothing back.

This book would not be complete without addressing the pressure we put on ourselves and our young people, as well as the need for changes in our human interactions. I give suggestions about how we can lessen that pressure and share how we can create and implement a movement that calls for people to be more kind, compassionate, and empathetic.

As you read and gather tools to help yourself or someone else who may be hurting, keep in mind that this book is the inside view of just one story. There are many out there, and unfortunately, there will be many more to come if we don’t start working together to lessen the pressure we put on ourselves and become a kinder and more compassionate world. Everyone, including government leaders, mental health professionals, parents, teachers, coaches, students, and clergy, must work together so we can accomplish these goals because mental health issues and suicide can happen to anyone and affect us all. We must all work together to be Saving Ourselves from Suicide.

In the past, where Nick saw no future, I can point others to hope and show options; where he felt sadness, I can bring comfort and give understanding; where he felt unkindness, I can inspire compassion and encourage inclusion; where our family missed warning signs, I can teach recognition and provide examples; where the world attached stigma, I can inspire sharing and model openness; where Nick and our family felt judged, I can lessen fear and point to truth; and finally, where my family experienced grief, I can suggest practical advice and offer recommendations.

—My version of the well-known Prayer of Saint Francis

1

Losing a Child: A Metaphorical Look

On April 29, 2013, my kindhearted nineteen-year-old son, Nicolas, ended his life by jumping from a bridge into the Mississippi River just outside the University of Minnesota campus. Life as I knew it also ended on that day. He jumped very near a waterfall, so his body was unable to be found. A Minneapolis detective investigating Nick’s death spoke to me later that day and said his body could churn in the waterfall for days, possibly never surfacing, and advised my husband and me to prepare for the worst. Getting that phone call every parent fears was difficult enough, but learning our son’s death was a suicide and that his body might never be recovered was almost beyond comprehension. It was horrific.

It’s incredible how the human spirit tries to cope with difficult news—even the most brutal. I tried my best to be okay with the idea of Nick’s body being permanently lost in the Mississippi by telling myself he loved nature and now could be forever one with it. However, just as I started to wrap my brain around never getting it back, a Minnesota coroner called our home and told us his body had been found. It was almost four weeks since Nick had jumped.

I was relieved to hear that my son’s body had finally been retrieved, but that relief suddenly changed to anguish as I began to think of him lying on some coroner’s table. What condition was he in after being in the water for so long? My God, was he intact? Would the coroner treat his body with kindness and respect, or would my son be just one more John Doe with a toe tag to fill his workday? These questions and many more circled in my head and kept me up that night.

The next afternoon, that same coroner called back to say the body he thought was Nick’s matched another young man’s dental records—a high school student from Wisconsin who looked eerily similar to my son. The Wisconsin boy and his girlfriend made a suicide pact, drove across state lines to the Minneapolis bridges, and jumped just two weeks after Nick.¹ Four days after their deaths, a twenty-eight-year-old special education teacher jumped from yet another Minneapolis bridge.² At one point, Nick, the two Wisconsin teenagers, and the special education teacher were all in the Mississippi River, within the same vicinity . . . and four families lost their loved ones in the most unimaginable way.

Unless you have lost a child, it is difficult, if not impossible, to describe how much pain you feel. It is some of the worst emotional agony and suffering you can experience and still be alive. Imagine having open-heart surgery without anesthesia, and the surgeon removes a piece of your heart, creating a deep hole in your chest. Then, while you are lying on the operating table, instead of stitching you up, the doctor flips you a white cotton button-down shirt and tells you to get up, put it on, and go on with life as if nothing ever happened. You have a mortal wound, but you are expected to continue