Seeking Solace

Chapter One

My mother used to say, It was a man’s world and we merely live in it.

I didn’t buy into her way of thinking in the least bit. The older I got, the more it pissed me off, frankly speaking.

In my childhood, the early developmental years were the things people only saw on the news and imagined in their worst nightmares. Me, I lived it; and my mother, she bore witness to it all.

Even as a young girl, I knew she was everything I never wanted to become. I was determined to be a strong woman and not the shell of a human being she was. After the things she allowed to happen to me and even participated in, there was no looking up to her for anything. She was certainly not someone to leave a good impression on anyone. She was nothing a hero or role model was made of.

She was anything but a mother. Sometimes I thought of her as an equal monster to my father. That said a lot since the man violated me in the worst ways for many long nights has changed that for me.

Children weren’t supposed to endure the things I had. They weren’t supposed to feel what I had felt. They weren’t supposed to be damaged by the people who gave them life. That was me as Fallyn Nicola Valencia.

Thinking about my childhood before becoming Angelina was painful.

I had only one ray of sunshine in my life before Angelina and he was taken from me all too soon.

Papa Valencia. He was the only good in my existence as Fallyn.

Papa Valencia always told me I could rule the world. I was only limited by what my mind would tell me. "Believe nothing of what you hear, unless you had firsthand experience, he would say. Be in control of your thoughts, for they guide you; you must not tread down the dark paths of lies and deceit. Be mindful of your actions, for in our actions we show the world who we truly are."

Those were words I believed in. He was a man I believed in when I thought the world was a horrible place. Papa Valencia was all things good while my life and existence drowned in all things bad. He was the only positive in my life under my name at birth. And he had been gone long before I had found my own way out.

The mind was an interesting thing. For in the depths of our mind lay every secret, every fear, and every dream.

I had plenty of time to spend inside my head. The first year after I came to live with Giano I spent learning, studying, and time with just my thoughts and emotions. He did the best he could, but there were countless hours I spent alone with the feelings in my heart and fears circling my head. I remember wondering if I was going from one hell to another.

Giano, though; he provided me a safe haven, and it was far from Hell. Dare I believed it, but he had given me the only taste of Heaven I had ever experienced.

Safety.

Security.

Acceptance.

Love.

In the last seventy-two hours, my world had crumbled. Everything I thought would be was no more. Every hope I had for a future, for love, and for so much more evaporated into thin air.

I crossed a line with you last night. I shouldn’t have done that, Angel. Giano’s words played over and over again in my mind. They trampled over my heart, each syllable became another dagger driven into my very soul.

In your eyes, I saw my angel. He saw me as a gift. He gave me life.

The way he felt about himself killed me because I didn’t see him that way. He was my savior. Why didn’t he understand that?

I’m a very bad man, Fallyn. I have done very bad things. Saving you was the only redeeming thing I have ever done in my entire life, a life that has cost me everything.

The words sliced into me.

I cost him everything. For the gift I gave him was not redemption as he saw it.

No, Giancarlo Diamante truly gave me everything.

He gave me freedom from the man who wished me harm. Sure before that night, he didn’t know what I endured. It was happenstance that he arrived to fulfill his revenge and stumbled upon my living nightmare.

Our worlds had been beyond twisted together, but that was just it, we were together.

He gave me safety in the walls of his home and in his heart; unlike my own parents, he gave me all things good.

He gave me hope in a hopeless situation.

While I let life take and take from me, Giano was the person who came along and gave everything back to me.

Hit by hit, blow by blow, whatever life threw at me I took it. Never did I question it; rather, I counted down time. I would endure. I had no other choice, but to end or to endure, so stay the course, ride it out, that’s what I did.

For when I was young, time was not my friend. I needed it to pass. I would count it away. Desperately, I counted the seconds of agony waiting for the mess to signify I could have a reprieve from the pain once again. While my father lay over me doing unspeakable things, I didn’t fight, but instead, I counted. If I could turn back time, I would do so many things differently. Except I can’t. I can only hold on to what I have endured. Back then, I wished the clock to pass the time quicker and quicker because life for me was not worth living until I could get out of that home. I was a survivor.

Under the blanket of night, my life secrets were exposed. In a moment of agony, an angel was sent to save me. While blood covered his hands, it covered my soul. We were forever bonded in that dirty moment. I was covered in filth. Regardless of the circumstance, life, all life should be valued. That night, I didn’t value the life of my parents. No, mentally, I celebrated their deaths. Inside my soul was black as night.

He should have killed me. Anyone else would have. Instead, he took me away and gave me a future I never could have imagined.

I had hope that night as we pulled away from my parents’ home. For the first time in my life, I had excitement for what the future may hold. That wasn’t normal, but that was my existence before Giano: hopeless. While I had fears about what would come next, my fears didn’t override my desire to escape where I came from.

Then he took me to his house. He shared his life, his world, his daughter with me. Everything he lost, he handed over to me on a silver platter. What did I do? I shattered it into a million pieces.

In his grief, he found a way to give me a second chance. It was a truly selfless act. A gift I would forever cherish.

As time passed, I found freedom and happiness in Giano’s home. I wasn’t counting away the seconds of my life anymore. Rather, I found pleasure in the moments. Even the small things like late night warm milk to settle my nerves into a peaceful slumber were things I didn’t want to pass so quickly anymore. Except the good times moved just as quickly as the bad.

Oh how I wished I could turn back time. How I could change things between us.

As the time I spent with him passed, I saw something that wasn’t there. The Fallyn curse held onto me as this dark twisted part inside of me saw something only the way I could in the dark of the night. I let the seed of fantasy plant root in my mind, in my heart. I let that sprout, grow, and bloom. I let it flourish instead of letting it starve. I fed myself my own realities and let everything spiral out of control. Not for one moment did I think of him and what my carnal cravings might mean or do to him.

The old saying about controlling your thoughts because they become actions, truly described how my situation spun out of control. I didn’t keep my thoughts in a safe zone for Giano and me. Instead, I let them fester and grow out of control into a wild fantasy. Then that wasn’t enough and I went out of my way to make fantasy become reality.

Giano gave me everything he could, and yet, I still asked for more.

Instead of having a thankful and gracious heart, I pushed on with my own desires in mind. He gave me nothing but kindness and love. In return, I took it all. I took everything he was willing to give and more. I pushed him beyond what he was capable of. I cost him everything.

When it was all said and done, I gave him death.

Angel, Alanzo said from the other side of the bedroom door.

I didn’t bother to reply. Instead, I remained in place in Giano’s bed as I had been for the last two days. Alanzo tirelessly worked to clean out my bedroom of any evidence. The banging was endless.

I didn’t go help him. I couldn’t. He didn’t bring anyone else in to help him either. It had to be a daunting job, but he never once lashed out at me. He gave me space.

He reminded me regularly we needed to talk. In my mind, I knew he was right, but it didn’t mean I was anywhere near ready.

Still, I remained in place. I tucked myself away in Giano’s bed, surrounded in his smell, his strength, and covered by his soul. This connection to him, I wasn’t ready to break. Didn’t he know I needed him any way I could have him? Didn’t he know my very existence was a gift from him? A gift I wasn’t capable of handling alone.

Why didn’t he stay?

I took from him what wasn’t mine to take so he took from me all he had left to give. A loaded gun, it had been primed to fire and once the trigger was pulled I ended three lives that day, mine, his, and Angelina’s as we knew it.

How could a person die twice …

"Angel, we must discuss what comes next. I know what Giano’s