Post Separation Abuse. Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?

Foreword

Reasons why I have written this book.

To raise awareness of the hidden emotional and psychological abuse that can happen in relationships.

Highlighting the gaps in the laws and how the system can fail those who need protection. How the laws in relation to separation of couples who are cohabiting are not fit for purpose and how cohabiting couples do not have the same legal rights as married couples or those in a civil partnership. To show how after the end of a relationship, abuse can continue in what can be termed post-separation abuse when one party in the relationship chooses conflict over discussion and negotiation.  How the legal system can be used by the offender to further cause emotional and financial devastation of the victim.

Emotional and psychological abuse comes under the term Coercive Control in the UK, a law that was passed in March 2015 and came into force on the 29th of December 2015.

Victims of abuse often know that what has been happening to them wasn’t right, but they didn’t understand that it was domestic abuse and that it is now illegal.

For all the women who didn't survive, those who were not able to get through the trauma and gave up on themselves and their future. More needs to be done to raise awareness and protect those who suffer this hidden emotional and psychological abuse.  Domestic violence is a factor in up to one-quarter of female suicide attempts.

Facts on post-separation abuse. In the year ending March 2020, an estimated 2.3 million adults aged 16 to 74 years experienced domestic abuse. (1.6 million women and 757,000 men).

Loren Keeling April 2022

PART ONE

1. My life before Phillip Hollby.  2006.

2. In the beginning.  March 2009

3. New house, iBooks and iPad. 2012

4.  The Spanish retirement dream.

2015 - 2016

5.  Confession to my face.  December 2017

6.  Covid lockdown in Spain. March 2020

7.  A bombshell is dropped. August 2020

8.  His way or no way at all 

PART TWO

9.  Post-separation legal advice

10.  Living together, laws in UK and Spain  

PART THREE

11.  Moving forward

12.  Stuck - Why do women stay?

13.  Conscious uncoupling

14.  Healing and recovery

15.  What type of man?

––––––––

Disclaimer

This book is a creative non-fiction memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of experiences over time. The names have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some conversations have been recreated. Part Two reflects the research carried out during 2021/22 and links to relevant legal or Government websites are included where necessary.

Songs Titles

Included for the reader to get a sense of how music played a part in some of the experiences I went through.

Keeping the dream Alive by Munchener freiheit. 

(December 2006)

Permission was requested Aug 13th 2021 to include part of the written lyrics.

The music was written by Aron Strobel and Stefan Zauner with lyrics by Timothy Touchton and Curtis Briggs, and the song was arranged by Andrew Powell, Armand Volker and Stefan Zauner.

Holding Out For A Hero - Bonnie Tyler (January 2009)

Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding (June-July 2016)

Hearts Ain't Gonna Lie - Arlissa (December 2017 )

Run To You - Whitney Houston (January 2018)

Words - The Christians (April May 2018)

Tired of Waiting For You - The Kinks (28th /29th August 2020)

Don’t Speak - No Doubt (24th September 2020)

Rolling in the deep - Adele (April 2021)

Your Free - Ultra Nate (June 2021)

Stronger (What doesn’t kill you) - Kelly Clarkson (August 2021

PART ONE

My life before Phillip Hollby

December 2006

It was the week before Christmas and I was in shock and running completely on autopilot mode. I was meant to be on holiday in Tenerife with my partner John. Tragically we never made it to the metro station that was just walking distance from the city centre apartment that we rented. We were packed and ready to leave with our suitcases. Locked up and started the short walk to the University Metro station that would take us directly to Newcastle Airport for our flights.

We had walked as far as the bridge across the train lines that would take us down to the platform, when I heard a stumble from behind me, as I looked around I saw John stagger forward while dragging his suitcase behind him. He took a few steps and then fell forward, his head hit the post of the street light as he fell to the ground. I knew that he had not been well in the past few months but he didn’t complain or seek further medical attention since the last episode he had experienced way back in September.

I rushed to help him, he was unconscious, I had to lift him up from where he had fallen, his head trapped between the lamppost and the panels of the bridge. I moved him onto his back with no one else around, then as he lay there I called for assistance. I was talking to the person in the call centre who was giving me instructions, telling me to start a heart massage, which I started to do.  Then I was conscious of people walking by and one young man suddenly bent down and took over with the heart massage compressions.  I stood there watching in disbelief, I could hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance, it seemed like an absolute eternity while I was watching this young student performing the compressions on John’s motionless body. He only stopped to allow the paramedics to take over once the ambulance arrived. In the process of the change over I noticed a smile on John’s face, at that point I had this little voice inside of me saying, he has gone. I had this inner thought that he has just met someone he knows and is happy to see them, his sister perhaps who had died sometime before.

A few days later, and I am dealing with funeral arrangements, I’m sitting in the kitchen after having had a meeting with the Vicar. He was going to be doing the funeral service and he had just left. The radio was on, and as I was sitting there a song was playing and the words caught my attention. That song was Keeping the dream alive by Münchener Freiheit.

Lyrics produced here with permission.

The hopes we had were much too high

Way out of reach, but we have to try

The game will never be over

Because we're keeping the dream alive

I hear myself recalling

Things you said to me the night it all started

And still the rain is falling

Makes me feel the way I felt when we parted

The hopes we had were much to high

Way out of reach, but we have to try

No need to hide, no need to run

‘Cause all the answers come one by one

The game will never be over

Because we're keeping the dream alive

I decided I was going to be keeping the dream alive, the dream we had to run the business together. I chose to purchase this song and it was played as people were leaving the funeral service.

What did I want?

In the weeks that followed, I must admit that it was a struggle. When I felt emotionally well enough to go

back to my job I was allowed a staged return, this was an enormous help. Two days a week, then three days and four days building up to full time again, even so, I did sometimes have to retreat into the loos or go grab a quiet coffee and sit alone because the tears would start to flow.  

What did I write down for my future?

For a long time, and since I studied a lot of personal growth and personal development material, I have believed in writing down my goals and what I wanted to achieve.  That could be health, money, relationship or environment or home.  Quite often in periods of transition, like when you lose a job or get divorced or the death of your husband or partner, there is a period of confusion, grieving, and sometimes fear, when you are in the mindset of how will I manage on my own  what will I do now I have no job how will I survive with less money coming in how can I pay the mortgage now.  Sleepless nights, restlessness, all add to the stress of the situation you find yourself in. It was no different for me, I went to work, did what I could, returned home and started over working on the Property Management and Rental business. Calls to follow up on, rents to be collected, maintenance to be booked in. The weeks went quickly, the months flew by and life just happened.

One late night in January 2009, I was sitting in my office in the flat, and I started thinking about what type of man I wanted in my life. It had been just over two years since John had died. I had met a couple of boyfriends but nothing that became serious.  Anyway, I was going to write out what I wanted in my next relationship. I took a piece of A4 paper and stared at the blank sheet thinking about the night out I’d had with my friends. I remember a song that was playing in one of the bars, it was Bonnie Tyler’s singing Holding Out For A Hero,  the words  I Need A Hero and  he’s got to be strong, but what type of relationship was I looking for? I felt totally lost and confused, I don’t think I could identify the qualities I wanted in my next relationship. Perhaps I should have started with what I didn’t want.

*****

Listen to Holding Out For A Hero - Bonnie Tyler (January 2009)

*****

Anyway, I wrote on the paper that I wanted a kind and generous man, a friend, a lover and a soul mate, someone to laugh with. Someone who I could go on holiday with two or three times a year. A strong man, a confident man, someone to share my life with.

I also had a couple of profiles on dating websites and on a site that I was introduced to through a guy I had dated a few times.

That other alternative dating/meeting website was called Informed Consent; it is no longer online.

The site was my introduction to BDSM, the relationship dynamic or scene that was made famous by the book and film Fifty Shades of Grey. BDSM stands for 'bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, plus sometimes sadism and masochism.

For my profile picture, I had posed in my office wearing suspenders, stockings and a lace bodice, I was also wearing high heels. I had an automatic digital camera so I posed bending over my office chair to take the backside view. My profile bio said I was blond, petite, fun, 5’2" but taller in heels.  Within days of that profile going on the site, I was chatting to more than ten guys. Guys that were as far away as London, and some a little closer to home in York.

Whenever I would go online to chat I would have 4 or 5 conversations going on at the same time. I was okay with chatting, it was safe to explore different conversations. But very soon there were two or three guys who were asking to talk on the phone. This actually freaked me a little, I know it’s not like there is any danger in talking on the phone, is there? It was my own fear of how I would sound, my accent, my voice, what would I say?

I talked on the telephone to one guy, I wasn’t really impressed. Then I had another guy who wanted to

chat on a specific evening, plus another guy who I had spoken with, funnily enough, these guys both lived in York. So one evening I’m in the office and I remember that I was meant to be chatting online with one of the guys in York, but I also had set up to chat with the other guy who lived in York, but that chat was on the telephone. I open up the website to start chatting and as usual, a few people are online, so a number of conversations are happening at once. Then the person who I was meant to chat with appears and says hello, so I reply and exchange a few messages, then there is a loud bang and a smell of burning, the computer screen goes blank and I realise that it’s the PC tower under the desk, so the computer has blown a fuse. So that cuts that conversation short. I never did have that conversation, perhaps it was a sign that he was definitely not the right person for me. 

A little later, I pick up my mobile and pluck up the courage to make the phone call to the other guy. The phone call lasted longer than I thought it would and he sounded really nice, so we arranged a face to face meeting for later in the week. This is how I met my next partner, the person I started a relationship with in March of 2009. It was shortly after my 48th birthday.

Who did I manifest into my life?

I had found a man who was in business for himself, like me. He seemed like a gentleman, kind and considerate. Confident, but not overpowering, assertive but not controlling. He described himself as an alpha male. He made me laugh, we laughed together. He was generous, he paid for our first holiday together. It was my belief that I had found the man that was to be a friend, a lover and a soul mate. Someone, with whom I would share my life. Of course, I was cautious at first, I realised that I should tread carefully, like any new relationship, you need to take your time to get to know the person before you throw all caution to the wind.

Our first few dates seemed to go well. I remember that I was impressed by his honesty. He told me a number of things about himself that I took at face value. I didn’t see anything that could be an issue. Although there was one concern that I did have before I met him in person.

He had told me to look him up on the internet, to do some due diligence, and before our first-ever meeting and lunch date he advised me to contact a friend and tell the friend that I was meeting someone new. Where I was meeting and what time and that I should let my friend know I was safe when I had met with the person.  It is always a good idea to tell someone you trust about your date plans. Anyway, before our lunch date, I did as he suggested and put his name into the Google search engine, and I found his business profile. However, I’m one of those people that always end up going a bit deeper and before I know where I am, I’m discovering a lot more intimate things about this man that I am about to meet the next day on a lunch date.

I had of course found him on this alternative dating site that I mentioned earlier. So I started looking at his profile, and after a couple of more clicks and searches, I discovered that shock horror, he was still married. His current wife also had a profile on this site, she held nothing back in writing about her experience with this man that I was going to meet the next day. She called herself Slave Tsina, she talked of how they held a ceremony known as collaring. It is all a bit bizarre now I think about it. There were many revelations that I read and thought, WHAT? REALLY!  I was thinking to myself, what type of guy is this person. Perhaps, I will need to write another book about some of the experiences I had, and some of the situations that played out, but this is not the place for those things.

What I did know was that for some very strange reason I still wanted to meet this person. During our first meeting, I felt unsure of how I would come across. I also made a decision to not let him know, or say anything, about the research and finding out about his wife or Slave Tsina. I did say earlier that I was impressed by his honesty, because he told me he was still married, he told me that the relationship was over, that she had moved out, and he was now on his own.

It was March 2009 and it was just a week or so after my birthday, he told me he had spent his last birthday alone. His birthday is just a few weeks before mine in February. He also told me a number of other things, about his life or lifestyle, he even told me he had been a serial adulterer in his long term marriage with his ex-wife and the mother of his children.  And I was impressed by his honesty.

I have this built-in trust mechanism. I didn't think he was lying to me or making any of this shit up.

So there you have it I manifested a man who had been a serial adulterer because he was telling me so.

Be careful