Our Hope For Isabelle: Grieving with Joy and Hope for Eternity through Infant Loss

Introduction

Afew years after we lost our daughter Isabelle to a chromosomal abnormality, I remember revealing to Taylor one night, We should write a book together. A book detailing the challenges of infant loss and grief from both of our perspectives. Although I was half-serious, Taylor was surprisingly completely unmoved. He replied, Sure, let’s do it. I was shocked, but typically he is willing to join in on my wild ideas and crazy schemes as long as I craft them well and take the initiative.

The particular adventurous idea was daunting because we are not writers by trade. Writing a book people would want to read seemed beyond our capabilities. Do accountants and chemical engineers write books? Crazy talk! We are numbers people. What do we know about writing anything? Honestly, we don’t, and I’ll be the first to admit it. But God knows how to take our weaknesses and use them for his glory and his purposes. Because look at us, we wrote this little and loved book!

This book was envisioned in the bedroom of two bereaved parents wishing someone had written more literature for the bereaved father and married couple. I (Elizabeth) had read many books on early child loss, and the target audience was usually bereaved mothers. However, I often felt more could be written regarding spiritual support for the married couple and grieving together as bereaved parents. I also would have liked reading more material on supporting your grieving spouse. Although each piece of literature was helpful and encouraging, there wasn’t much I could share with my husband and co-partner in grieving our daughter.

There are many excellent books on grief, suffering, miscarriage, and infant loss. I have gleaned so much wisdom from them. I even have a section at the back of this book listing a few of these books as resources for you. We simply wanted a book for both parents to read together and unite them in their new journey in grief.

We hope to show you grief does not have to be isolating, separating, or just for bereaved mothers. We hope this book not only brings you closer together in your marriage but also closer in your relationship with God. Our primary focus is to revive your faith and trust in the Lord and help you remember our God is a promise-keeping, covenant-making, faithful-to-eternity God. And he loves you and your baby so.

Chapter One: New Lives

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

It was the summer of 2013, and I had just completed my first year in a full-time accounting position at a local refinery. I was enjoying the fruit of my labor and soaking up the sun of my youth. I took satisfaction in going to work in my patent leather heels and business attire and ending the day cuddled up on the sofa watching a show with my  favorite miniature dachshund, Hank. As exciting as that may sound, I did have a moderate social life. I would frequently have somewhere to be and people to meet. In this season of my life, strangers could become friends or boyfriends. Only time (and much discretion and scrutiny) would tell. 

My relationship with Taylor was somewhat unexpected, and he would likely say the same. Taylor and I met in the summer of 2013 while he was an intern for the process engineering department at the refinery where I worked. Our paths crossed when I met him at a coworker's birthday party. We exchanged pleasantries, but we didn't have a love at first sight experience. I had a silly over 27 rule because, based on my calculations, this was when men were interested in marriage. And he was (barely) younger than me and currently working as an intern. I also was hesitant because I had been scarred from a few of my previous relationships. So, with my shallow reasoning, I was uninterested. He had practically sworn off marriage when I met him, and I had determined I would be the age of thirty before I was in a serious relationship. We were unlikely to materialize into a couple at all.

It wasn't the time for me to settle down, or so I thought. But Taylor was different than anyone else I had encountered. He was tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and full of energy and youth. They called him Smiley at work. A testament to how youthful and boyish he was. Yet, while he did possess all those attributes, he was also charming, intelligent, and subtly disarming.

After a summer of advances, I finally decided we could have a date of sorts. One day, we were chatting about the end of his internship  and he made a joke requesting I cook a meal for him as a sort of farewell dinner. It is comical to reflect on this exchange because the Taylor I know would have never attempted this not so subtle date manipulation. To my surprise, I agreed to cook him dinner (see, subtly disarming). Alas, while I did have good intentions to cook him dinner, I brought over pizza instead because I was running late. Nonetheless, it was apparently his favorite type of pizza, and it won me major points. As my best friend once said, Pizza is powerful.

We unexpectedly talked for hours that evening. We talked about inconsequential topics to very personal events from our life. He met me with compassion and grace with every truth I told and all the shame it held. I felt the weight release with each revelation. It felt liberating, to say the least, but I was unsure he was someone I could trust with my vulnerability long-term.

After dinner, we decided to watch a movie. I have no idea how this even happened, but we somehow organically found our way into a cuddle. He had his arm around me and I was okay with it. I felt safe in his embrace. We ended the night amicably as we knew he would have to leave the city to return to the university to finish his last semester of college. He returned to College Station (Gig Em'), and we continued to text and chat. One day, I decided to FaceTime him for fun. We spent hours talking like before and enjoyed each other's virtual company. We continued to talk for weeks after, and it seemed neither of us intended to stop. We were a good match on paper. We crossed off each other's checklists. Belief in God and being a born-again Christian occupied the top spots on the list. It was important to me to share the same faith, which would be crucial in the coming years.

We started our relationship shortly after all the long calls and FaceTimes and the rest is history. We were long-distance for the entirety of Taylor's fall semester in college. Then after graduation, he started working for the company I worked for again as a full-time employee. It didn't take much coercion and we were engaged in the fall and married in the spring of the following year. Life was sweet!

We had our usual ups and downs in early marriage. Our friendship was strong and we worked very hard to enjoy each other and help one another grow. We started traveling early as well and had so many fun adventures. We went to many places in the States as well as to Italy, France, Spain, and Morocco. We initially said we would expand our family after Italy, but we didn't. I booked a trip to Spain instead!

During our trip to Spain, at a quaint and private restaurant outside of Ronda, Taylor had confessed he had been ready to try to conceive but was giving me time to express my desire to have a family. Although I was surprised to hear this revelation, it also scared me. I had always felt scared to experience childbirth. I had many fears and this was one, a BIG one. Setting fear aside, I calmly explained he should have expressed his desires to me sooner and concluded we would try as soon as possible. I wanted to give him the family he wanted despite my fear. I knew I would have to face it either way.

We did not conceive right after our trip, but two months later on a Sunday morning before church, we were pleasantly surprised when the pregnancy test read Pregnant! This was the beginning of the expansion of our family and we were giddy and excited. Maybe there wasn't much to fear after all?

The excitement was still there in the first months, but I was frightened by the changes. It was all so different. I was terrified of my body's changes and anything happening to me and the baby. I remember