The Right One: How to Successfully Date and Marry the Right Person: A Marriage On The Rock Book

The Right One

How to Successfully Date and Marry the Right Person

Jimmy Evans

Frank Martin

Contents

Foreword

Before You Begin

1. Till Death Do Us Part

Section One: Straight Talk About Healthy Dating

2. The Myths of Love

3. Great Expectations

4. Why So Many Marriages Fail

5. The Right (and Wrong) Way to Date

6. Intentional Dating

7. The Ten Commandments of Online Dating

8. Recognizing Red Flags

Section Two: Preparing to Build a Happy Marriage

9. Healthy Communication

10. Effective Conflict Resolution

11. Shared Vision and Purpose

12. Physical and Spiritual Intimacy

13. A Spirit of Compatibility

Section Three: Let’s Talk About Marriage

14. Let’s Talk About Roles

15. Let’s Talk About Kids

16. Let’s Talk About Careers

17. Let’s Talk About Money

18. Let’s Talk About In-Laws

19. Let’s Talk About Sex

20. Let’s Talk About Our Spiritual Lives

21. Let’s Talk About Remarriage and Previous Relationships

22. Let’s Talk About Blended Families

23. Let’s Talk About Commitment

Notes

About The Authors

Also by Jimmy Evans

Copyright

Copyright © 2015 Jimmy Evans.

Updated 2018. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form or by any means without written permission from the publisher, except brief passages for purposes of reviews. For information address MarriageToday™

P.O. Box 59888

Dallas, Texas 75229

1-800-380-6330

or visit our website at www.marriagetoday.com

XO Publishing

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American Standard Bible, ©1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Other versions used are KJV—KingJames Version. Authorized King James Version.

NIV—Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

Foreword

When Jimmy Evans asked me to write the foreword for his newest book, I was not only honored, but eager to help out.

I’m honored because I have so much respect for Pastor Jimmy and his teachings. I’ve been privileged over the last ten years to serve under his leadership at Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas, and have seen firsthand his father’s heart and pastor’s spirit. He is a leader of leaders, and a blessing to the body of Christ, and I couldn’t be more honored by his request.

I’m also thrilled to help out because I believe so strongly in the message of this book. Being a Christian single in today’s culture can be a long and confusing journey, and one that each of us has to navigate on our walk of faith. Finding the right marriage partner is a difficult endeavor, and one of the most critical decisions many of us will ever face. The solid, no-nonsense advice that Jimmy and Frank relay in this book is not only welcome, but greatly needed.

For me, the timing of this book couldn’t be more appropriate. Less than two weeks ago, I became engaged to the man of my dreams—to my best friend and fellow worship leader, Cody Carnes! Those who know Cody can attest to his tremendous faith and godly character. I can’t wait to become his life partner and soul mate! He is truly the man of God that I’ve been searching for, and I thank the Lord for bringing us together.

My journey toward finding The Right One was not an easy one. Before I found my husband, I dated good Christian men, but none ever felt quite right for me. Some years ago, I began dating a man that I was sure God wanted me to marry someday. On paper we seemed perfect for each other. We were both worship leaders, both pursuing a career in music, and both in love with Jesus. We had almost all of the same friends, and many common interests and dreams.

He was charismatic and a gifted musician, and I quickly fell in love with him. Though in many ways, I think I was more in love with the idea of being his wife, and doing ministry alongside him. In spite of my strong feelings for him, something in my spirit never quite felt at peace about our relationship. We loved each other deeply, but the more time we spent together, the more it became clear that our futures were not aligning.

I’ve always known that God had a very specific calling on my life and ministry, and that calling was simply not in sync with the calling that he had on his life. We were headed in different directions, and the longer we dated, the more we realized that we were not meant to be together. So after nearly six years of dating, we decided to go our separate ways. I was thirty-one when we broke off the relationship, and it was probably the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do. But I knew I needed to be obedient. He knew it as well. So we parted as friends.

It was just a few months after that breakup that Cody began pursuing my heart, and my first reaction was to resist. He was a good friend, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that friendship. So I kept him at arm’s length. My friends and family wondered why I was so hesitant, and my pastors would often say to me, Do you know what an amazing man he is? You two would be so good together! Yet still I didn’t see it.

One day the Lord spoke to my spirit and told me to give Cody a chance, and so I did. Today I look back on that time and find it stunning that it took me so long to see what everyone else seemed to instinctively understand. The Lord opened my eyes and my heart, and today I couldn’t be happier. I am engaged to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I know that God has brought us together for a reason. My spirit is filled with joy and excitement for our future together! We not only love each other deeply, but we have a clear and shared vision for our lives and ministry. We are truly meant to be together!

If there is one message I’d like to relay to those who are still searching for a spouse, it would be this: don’t allow yourself to get so caught up in the idea of marriage that you miss the voice of the Holy Spirit. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to the people you date. When you fall in love with someone, make sure you love them for who they are, not what you long for them to be. And always remember; if you don’t have the peace of the Holy Spirit, they are not the right one for you.

My prayer is that every single person would find the kind of blessed and fulfilling relationship that Cody and I have discovered. I long for every young woman to find a man as loving and devoted and perfect for her as Cody is for me. And for every young man to become such a person in order to attract the woman of his dreams.

Jimmy Evans and Frank Martin have that same longing, and they’ve created one of the best resources I’ve seen on finding and marrying the right person. Whether you are engaged to be married, in a serious dating relationship, or still single and looking for the right life partner, you will find timeless and biblical advice on the pages that follow.

The Right One is truly a godsend for those of us who need clear guidance and direction when seeking the person God has for our future.

When you are single, it is so easy to invest your heart and life in the wrong person. I know that truth firsthand. But don’t allow yourself to fall into that trap. When God’s best is waiting for you right around the corner, it is a spiritual and emotional tragedy to settle for anything less.

I’ve learned through this season that it’s so important to trust the Lord. He wants the best for each one of us, so trust him, and obey his voice quickly. If you do, he will guide you and help you find The Right One for you. It’s a journey of faith for sure, and well worth it.

Regardless of where you are on your journey toward marriage, I encourage you to read this book slowly and deliberately, and even re-read those sections that speak most clearly to your spirit. Allow God to mentor you through these pages, and guide you as you seek his will for your future. I’ve been so blessed by Jimmy and Frank’s godly wisdom and advice, and I promise you will be blessed as well.

Kari Jobe

Southlake, Texas

Before You Begin

There are a few things you should know before you begin.

First, even though this book is a collaboration between two authors, we decided to write in the voice of one—in the singular first person tense. Constantly writing we think this, or we believe that, can quickly feel cumbersome and confusing, so instead we’ve defaulted to the singular I. The only exceptions are those times when a personal story or example is told. In those cases we’ve identified who is speaking in parentheses.

Second, in order to preserve the confidences of friends and clients, we’ve taken the liberty of changing names and identifying facts whenever necessary. The stories we tell are true, but many of the identities have been purposely shielded. So if you think you recognize someone from one of our examples, you’re probably wrong. We hope this approach makes for engaging reading, while still retaining credibility with those who come to us for counsel and advice.

Finally, and most importantly, though much of this book is intended as a guide for dating couples to assess the strength of their relationship, it should not be seen as a substitute for pre-marital counseling. We encourage you to use it as a precursor to counseling, perhaps even an additional resource, but not as an alternative. In our opinion, pre-marital counseling is a must for any couple considering marriage, no matter how confident and well prepared they feel.

The Proverbs writer tells us, The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to counsel. When it comes to making one of the biggest decisions of your life, you need all the advice and counsel you can get. And what better place to look than a pastor, church leader, or Christian counselor?

--Jimmy and Frank

Till Death Do Us Part

Chelsea first met Jim at a Bible study for young adults. He was new in town and looking for a church home. She remembers well their first conversation.

He came over to where I was sitting and introduced himself, and I thought I was going to pass out! she says, laughing. He was so handsome and charming! I could hardly breathe!

Apparently the attraction was mutual, because the very next week he asked if she’d like to meet him for coffee. It was their first real date, and the beginning of a whirlwind romance. Within a few short weeks they had become an item, and before long they were inseparable. Mutual friends say they can’t remember ever seeing Jim and Chelsea when they weren’t together.

By all appearances they seemed to be the perfect couple. They both loved hiking and backpacking and going to baseball games. They liked the same movies and even shared the same taste in music. They could often be found sitting side by side in the corner of their favorite coffee shop, sharing a latte, with both headsets plugged into the same iPod.

They were also heavily involved in their church’s college ministry. Jim became a small group leader and often helped teach classes. And Chelsea played keyboards on the worship team. They were an integral part of the ministry, and on track to become team leaders.

Exactly one year into their courtship, Jim popped the question. No one was surprised since their friends all assumed they’d be getting married one day. Their relationship seemed like a storybook romance—two soul mates who found each other, quickly fell in love, and now were on their way to living happily ever after. On the surface, everything about their relationship appeared perfect.

But appearances can often be deceiving. Though Jim and Chelsea seemed completely happy and content, deep down, Chelsea was having serious doubts. She never talked about it to family or friends, but somehow things between them didn’t feel quite right.

Warning Signs

Jim was a personable guy with lots of great qualities, but he had a problem with anger. Chelsea wanted to believe that it was a small problem, just a habit of losing his temper from time to time when things didn’t go his way. But soon Jim’s fits of anger became more frequent.

Once at a restaurant, a waiter accidentally dropped a glass of tea next to their table, and it splashed on Jim’s shoes and pants leg. He snapped at the waiter, calling him a clumsy idiot, and demanded to see the manager. Though the staff apologized, Jim wouldn’t let the matter go. Chelsea was horrified and embarrassed, and the two didn’t speak for the rest of the evening.

It was usually a minor annoyance that set Jim off. Like someone cutting him off on the highway, or a cashier at the grocery store who moved too slowly when he was in a hurry. Chelsea was convinced that Jim had a good heart, so she always forgave him for his outbursts. She knew he was under a lot of stress at work and school, and thought that maybe his quick temper was just a phase he was going through. And his fits of anger were seldom aimed at her, so she had no reason to fear him.

At least not until they had their first real argument.

It happened about six months into their courtship. Jim and Chelsea had been invited to a mutual friend’s wedding and Chelsea was running behind schedule. She scrambled to get ready while Jim waited in the front room of her apartment. She could tell he was getting impatient by the tone of his voice.

How much longer? he would ask, over and over. We’re going to be late!

Chelsea was hurrying as fast as she could, but it wasn’t fast enough. Suddenly, in a fit of rage, Jim screamed at the top of his lungs, "What are you doing in there? We have to leave now!"

Chelsea quickly grabbed her purse and ran to the front room, even though she wasn’t quite finished getting ready. Jim stood with his jaw clenched tightly. It’s about time! he said angrily, storming out the front door.

It was the first time she’d found herself on the business end of his rage, but not the last. As the relationship grew, his angry outbursts got worse. It wasn’t long before he was calling her names and abusing her verbally, though never in public.

Chelsea was deeply concerned about Jim’s behavior, but she didn’t want to give up on the relationship. In so many ways he seemed like a kind and thoughtful person, and he always apologized after losing his temper. He also seemed sincere about his Christian faith. She wanted to believe that he could change. He was her best friend, and lots of fun to be around. He just had this one problem he couldn’t seem to overcome. And down deep, Chelsea hoped that she could be the one to help him overcome it.

Dodging a Bullet

Thankfully, Chelsea’s parents sensed that something wasn’t quite right about their relationship, and they insisted that Jim and Chelsea enroll in pre-marital counseling. It only took the counselor two weeks to uncover Jim’s unhealthy problem with anger. He confronted Jim about it during their third meeting. After that, Jim refused to go back.

At the advice of the