Piloting Your Life

Piloting Your Life

Non-Fiction

Text copyright 2019 by Terri Hanson Mead

Any names, characters, places, events, incidents, similarities, or resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or places, is entirely coincidental.

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All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the US Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission of the author. For information regarding permission, send a query to the author at PilotingYourLife@gmail.com.

Every effort has been made to ensure that the content provided herein is accurate, up-to-date, and helpful to the reader at the time of publication. However, this is not intended to replace or treat any conditions, nor is it an exhaustive treatment of the subject. We encourage anyone to seek help with a professional counselor, therapist, or healthcare professional where issues deem it necessary. No liability is assumed. The reader is considered responsible for your choices, actions, and results undertaken after reading this work.

Visit www.PilotingYourLife.com for more information about the author, updates, or new books.

EBOOK EDITION • ISBN 978-1-3936472-2-5 • VERSION 1.4

Also available in paperback (ISBN 978-1-0864719-2-2).

For Rei and Adam,

For being my true north.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION • MIDLIFE IS AN OPPORTUNITY, NOT A CRISIS

Midlife Puberty?

Gen X?

Why I Wrote This Book

Sharing the Wealth

What to Expect When …

Disengage Autopilot

Why Now?

Taking the Controls

CHAPTER 1 • JOURNEY

It’s a Journey, Not a Pivot

Being Intentional

Anchors and Tie-Downs

Step into the Unknown

Better Endings Lead to Better Beginnings (We Suck at Closure)

All the Pieces Come Together

It’s Worth the Effort

Taking the Controls

WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL

CHAPTER 2 • YOU ARE HERE

Is This All There Is?

Midlife Triggers

Body Shutdown

Broken Heart

Looking for Meaning

Death Story

Looking for More

Acceptance

You Are Where You Are

Taking the Controls

CHAPTER 3 • FINDING YOUR NEW WHY

What Is Your Why?

Designing Your Life

Getting Outside Your Comfort Zone

Looking to God for Answers

Be Intentional

We Want to Matter

Course Corrections

Taking the Controls

TOP 10 MIDLIFE SUGGESTIONS FROM DESIGNING YOUR LIFE

CHAPTER 4 • HEALTH CHECK: MENOPAUSE AND GENERAL HEALTH

The Mystery of Menopause

Thirty-four Symptoms of Menopause? Wait … What?

Harnessing the Power of Midlife To Change The World

Going-Out-of-Business Sale

Making Your Health Your Priority

Mental Health and Isolation

Beyond Social Anxiety

Beyond Anxiety

Midlife and Your Brain

Is It Getting Hot in Here?

So Many Unknowns

Taking Action

Taking the Controls

YOU MIGHT BE IN PERIMENOPAUSE IF …

CHAPTER 5 • CREATING LIFT: PERMISSION AND MINDSET

Helpful Nudges

Your Life, Your Rules

Limiting Beliefs

Examples of Limiting Beliefs

Importance of Choice

Trust Abundance

Be Selfish

Celebrate Being Female

I’ll Cry If I Want To

Decision. Permission. Fearlessness.

Taking the Controls

CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION

CHAPTER 6 • ELIMINATING DRAG, PART 1

Appreciating Our Value

Broadway, Babies, and Brains?

Balancing Act

Stop Creating Drag for Each Other

Taking the Controls

I AM A GIVING ADDICT

CHAPTER 7 • ELIMINATING DRAG, PART 2: LETTING GO OF WHAT NO LONGER SERVES YOU

Recognizing Where Perfection Comes From

Strive for Excellence, Not Perfection

Killing Wonder Woman

Project I Don’t Give a Fuck

Reframing: Seeing the Beauty in Aging

There Are No Winners in the Comparison Game

Failure Should Be Your Second Favorite F-word

Rules? We Don’t Need No Stinking Rules

Taking the Controls

MORE THAN MY NAME ON A MUG

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL…

CHAPTER 8 • ELIMINATING DRAG, PART 3: GRIEVING AND HEALING

Postpartum Brings Everything into Focus

Compassion for Our Younger Selves

Making Room for New Firsts

Taking the Controls

WHO AM I?

CHAPTER 9 • SETTING YOUR DESTINATION: THE SKY’S THE LIMIT

Tennis with Richard Branson? Why, Yes, Thank You

Getting Over the Fear of Dreaming

Vision Boards

Limited Resources

What Is Dreaming in Midlife?

Do I Need a Wish List?

Taking The Controls

PARIS IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA

CHAPTER 10 • WILD BLUE YONDER: EXPLORATION AND EXPERIMENTATION

Right Timing

Explore. Get Lost. Bring Snacks.

Changing Your Mind Isn’t Failure

Getting Started

Don’t Box Me In

Learn as You Go

Stretching

Bring a Friend

Taking the Controls

CHAPTER 11 • THE PATH WILL PRESENT ITSELF

Chance Meetings, Unexpected Opportunities

Reflection and Redirection

Celebrate the Wins

Shifting Energy

Setting an Example

Open Sesame

The Path Is Clear … in Hindsight

Taking the Controls

PARIS? MAIS OUI!

CHAPTER 12 • TAKING RISKS

Calculating Risk

Asking for What We Want

Fear of Rejection and Abandonment

Focus on the Upside

Rock Bottom

Not Feeling Bold and Going for it Anyway

Taking the Controls

VALIDATING MY OWN WORTH: I AM ENOUGH

CHAPTER 13 • UNEXPECTED OPPORTUNITIES AND SERENDIPITY

Right in Her Backyard

On a Mission to Give Back

Tapping into the Unexpected

Living Locally in a Foreign Locale

Taking the Controls

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES …

CHAPTER 14 • MAINTENANCE AND SELF-CARE

Self-care Is Non-negotiable

Practical Self-care

Self-care Ideas

1. Nature

2. Shake Up Your Use of Social Media

3. Run Away with the Circus

4. Add a Little Sparkle

5. Be Your Own Valentine

6. Receive Something Because it Feels So Good

7. Know When to Stop

Taking the Controls

ON BOTOX

CHAPTER 15 • FLIGHT CREW: IMPORTANCE OF SUPPORT AND FRIENDSHIP

Friendship

Family

Friends Are Vital to Your Health

Nurturing Friendships

Dunbar’s Number

Situational Friends

Drifting Apart

Learning to Trust

Sometimes, You Have to Go It Alone

Keep ’Em in the Loop

Build Your Crew

Taking the Controls

MY MOM USED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND

CHAPTER 16 • SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Body Changes

Sexploration

Inner Sex Kitten

Cheating and Divorce

Soulmate-shmoulmate

Taking the Controls

NOT YOUR MOTHER’S VIBRATOR

CHAPTER 17 • PARENTING

Parenting a Teenager, Part 1: Nothing Prepares You for It

Parenting a Teenager, Part 2: We Are Not Our Parents

Speaking of Letting Go

Gen Z … They Are Them

Sharenting and Privacy

Mental Health and Anxiety

All Is Not Lost

Taking the Controls

CHAPTER 18 • MONEY AND FINANCIAL FREEDOM

We Need to Talk About Money

Relationship with Money

Hey Ladies, Investing Is an Option

Creating a Rainy-day Fund (aka, a Fuck You Fund)

Creating Your Own Financial Path

Checking In with a Professional

Scratching an Entrepreneurial Itch

Out with the Old, In with the New

Creating a New Financial Reality with Multiple Income Streams

Planning for Your Financial Future

Taking the Controls

CHAPTER 19 • FLIGHT PLAN

Piloting an Aircraft vs. Piloting Your Life

Flight Plan

CHAPTER 20 • IT’S ALL RIGHT IN THE END

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

APPENDIX 1

APPENDIX 2

APPENDIX 3

APPENDIX 4

INTRODUCTION

MIDLIFE IS AN OPPORTUNITY, NOT A CRISIS

The phrase midlife crisis, coined by Elliott Jaques in an article in 1965, never really applied to women. Women, because of pregnancy, hormones, menopause, and, well, just being women, weren’t included in his research. Midlife crisis was a catchy phrase that caught on in a way it was never meant to, and later research showed that only 10% of men actually experience midlife crisis.

So, it’s really not a thing.

I don’t think I even knew the term midlife until I was forty-eight, a full eight years into it. (Midlife is the time between forty and sixty-five.)

At forty-eight, I knew that I was suffering from feeling dismissed and overlooked professionally and personally. I had experienced weight gain over a one-year period that I couldn’t keep blaming on the fallout of the 2016 elections (too much alcohol and cheese), and I kept looking at my body wondering what the fuck had happened. I’d also spent several years looking for greater meaning in my life and two solid years craving sex. I was wondering if this was my new normal.

All of these experiences are typical for a lot of women in midlife.

I reject the notion of crisis and insert the idea of opportunity. Crisis implies something short and sudden. That’s not what’s really experienced in midlife—which is more like malaise, angst, general unhappiness, or just feeling off-balance.

Midlife isn’t a single moment or turning point. It’s more of a protracted period of time with the opportunity to take time for you, resolve unresolved childhood and adolescent issues, explore, and experiment as you define your life journey.

Midlife is an opportunity for renewal as we experience a form of puberty along with our teenagers (if you have them).

With this opportunity for renewal, we can define what we want the next half of our lives to be, over a comfortable chunk of time. We can play around with old ideas we rejected when we were younger and see what they feel like now. We can explore new territory and see what resonates.

Our lives and bodies are shifting, so why not shift with them?

During this time of exploration and play, it’s all about learning. There’s no failure, only opportunity to learn and grow. That’s why this book is so important. It’s meant to remove all taboos and normalize conversations about midlife, menopause, aging, ambition, money, and sex.

MIDLIFE PUBERTY?

So much is changing for us women in midlife … our bodies, our minds, our lives. Midlife puberty is an interesting time, and I know a lot of us are completely unprepared for it because we don’t talk about it. There’s not enough written about it.

We are where we are … so let’s start talking about it!

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve read or heard the same phrase from women in midlife: I thought I was the only one going through this. Many of us feel isolated and alone, but we needn’t feel this way. Our pelvic floors get weaker, so jumping jacks and trampolines may be a thing of the past. Hot flashes are real; they’re physiological evidence of an internal change that women go through.

We shouldn’t be embarrassed.

We can let go of what no longer serves us, release rules we no longer want, and be curious and optimistic about what comes next. With this book, I want to reignite your spark (if you’ve lost it) and help you find a way to live your life and your soul’s purpose.

If you’re feeling off-balance, if you’re questioning everything, if you’re looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger, you’re not alone. If you have zero patience for toxicity and following the rules, you are not alone. I am right there with you.

Feel what you’re feeling without judgment.

You are not lost. You are where you are … which is right where I recommend starting.

GEN X?

Speaking of feeling lost.

An infographic from a program that aired on January 11, 2019 titled Generation Guidelines Defined by Birth Year showed the following:

The Silent Generation: Born 1928-1945

Baby Boomers: Born 1946-1964

Millennials: Born 1981-1996

Gen Z: Born 1997-Present

Notice anything missing? Like maybe the sixty-five million of us born between 1965 and 1980? Gen X didn’t even make the cut as a living generation worth noting by CBSN.

No wonder we feel dismissed and neglected! Our generation isn’t on anyone’s radar. We are sandwiched between two outsized generations that think we are totally screwed up.

 My lovely Gen Xers, this book on midlife is written especially for you.

WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK

When I was forty-two and forty-three, I didn’t know that I felt friskier in the bedroom due to an increase in hormones. As if my body was saying, If you want to have another baby, now is the time. This is a going-out-of-business sale, and you are soon going to be out of the baby-making business.

When I was forty-five and started looking for more meaningful work, I had no idea that was typical for midlife women, especially those of us in our mid-forties. It didn’t occur to me to seek help other than questioning people I knew as I looked for a new professional outlet.

When I was forty-seven and started putting on weight at a steady clip, I didn’t know that it was probably due to a decrease in estrogen and that I should make some lifestyle changes because losing weight during the menopause transition is tough for a lot of women.

The list goes on and on.

Midlife blindsided me; I was totally unprepared for it. No one told me what to expect. No one told me how to prepare. No one told me how to take advantage of it. As I opened up to other women about some of these things, I learned I was not alone and decided to do something about it.

I started by talking with other women. I listened to their stories and quickly realized that, while midlife is different for all women, we can connect through our stories and our experiences. I interviewed over thirty-five diverse women from around the world and discovered the universality of our experiences. It crosses borders, gender identity, cultural identity, marital status, parental situation, spirituality, and skin color.

The women I interviewed are straight, gay, single, married, divorced, widowed, black, brown, white, non-white, cisgender, transgender, religious, atheist, spiritual, American, European, New Zealanders, Canadian, and African. Some are moms, and some are not. Some work outside the homes, and others do not. These women are in their forties, fifties, sixties, and seventies. I intentionally left these descriptors out of the stories; I want you to relate on a human and female level, without the distraction of labels.

My goal is to give you diverse stories from a myriad of life experiences and backgrounds to create connections to other women like you.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

There are books on specific topics like happiness, finding your why, menopause, money, divorce, parenting, and sex, but nothing that gathers all aspects of our midlives into one place. I conducted extensive research on the topics in this book to provide an umbrella.

Think of Piloting Your Life as a Fodor’s or Frommer’s guidebook for midlife women. Because, really, midlife is an adventure worth exploring.

SHARING THE WEALTH

I had no idea that when I started this book, I would be going on my own personal development and enlightenment journey. I was forty-eight and married with two children. I had a successful IT consulting company in the San Francisco Bay Area, had been angel investing in early-stage startups for over three years, and was advising various startups around the world. I’d worked with my executive coach, Bev, on and off for fifteen years and with other life coaches as needs arose. For me, every day is an opportunity for improvement—but this time, I wanted to do something to help other women, specifically those in midlife. And the more I learned, the more compelled I felt to share the wealth of knowledge.

The desire to write a book to embolden women over the age of forty to take the controls and be the pilots in their own lives drove me. I had a title that tied into my brand as a commercially rated helicopter pilot, a catchy subtitle, a writing coach, and a timeline, and I got right to work on the research. I didn’t overthink it. As with most of my best decisions, not overthinking it was exactly the right thing for me to do.

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN …

I want you to read this book and feel inspired by the women who make up the bulk of its pages. Hopefully, it will motivate you to make good choices for you. May it help you know that being selfish and choosing you are your moral imperatives.

Being selfish isn’t bad; it’s healthy.

And if you aren’t quite there yet, I don’t want you to be blindsided by midlife. I still ask my older friends why they didn’t tell me what to expect. Everyone seems to have an opinion or thought about every other aspect of our lives—why not midlife? There’s What to Expect When You’re Expecting for when we’re pregnant, plus What to Expect the First Year, What to Expect the Second Year, and more.

What about What to Expect When You Turn Forty and Slide into Midlife?

Well, here it is, except with more inspiration and less doom and gloom.

DISENGAGE AUTOPILOT

Despite being a commercially rated helicopter pilot (a girl has to have a hobby!), every time I fly helicopters, I’m afraid … but not afraid of what you might think.

I’m afraid I’ll screw up on the radio or that I won’t hear an instruction from air traffic control. I worry that I won’t be able to react safely, legally, and appropriately and that I’ll do something that will make someone say, You aren’t qualified to fly.

I’ve been flying for over ten years. I am afraid, and I still fly.

I am full-on the controls when I fly, just like I try to be in life. There’s no autopilot in the helicopters I fly.

So many of us women won’t do something if we can’t do all of it. Or, we stay in something comfortable because it feels easier to be a passenger than to take the controls.

Midlife shouldn’t happen on autopilot. We should work through the fear, let go of what no longer serves us, and gain the confidence to design and live the life of our own creation.

Live boldly, my friends.

WHY NOW?

For many women who have been caring for and putting others first, midlife is the time when there’s finally space to start thinking about you. You may feel compelled to make room for you, to live with greater purpose, or to answer the call to do something big in the world. It’s during this time that we can begin to define what legacy we want to leave.

If you’ve lost sight of who you are and what you want, it’s time to explore and experiment and define your own new milestones. Up until this point, there have been socially defined milestones like college, first job, maybe marriage, maybe kids, maybe grad school, maybe the first house, and then if there are kids, the kids’ milestones. The lack of milestones can make midlife feel like uncharted territory.

It is, and it’s ready to be explored and conquered.

If you’re reading this book, it’s time. Time for you. Time for vision. Time for clarity. Time for you to resolve unresolved issues from your childhood, adolescence, and early twenties. Because if you don’t, they are going to keep resurfacing. Trust me on this one.

TAKING THE CONTROLS

We don’t have to suffer during midlife. In fact, I highly recommend using this time of feeling off-balance to take action and begin to take back your life.

At the end of every chapter, there is a Taking the Controls section with reflective questions for you to ponder. These are not meant to be prescriptive or exhaustive. We all have our own journeys, and it’s up to each of us to own, define, and guide our lives to meet our own needs and desires.

Use the prompts for journaling or chatting with your girlfriends. Do whatever feels best for you, knowing these segments exist to help you transform your midlife journey. For more resources for further exploration, check out the In-Flight Resources at www.PilotingYourLife.com. You’ll be able to pull this all together in your own personal Flight Plan at the end of the book. Or not.

You get to choose your own adventure.

Because we need friends and deep relationships to keep our brains healthy and our hearts happy, I suggest putting together your own personal crews to serve different purposes in your life. Talking about what we’re going through will help us feel less isolated and alone, and we’ll begin to normalize conversations around