Where There Are Dragons

Accounting For Dragons

By Eric James Stone

Introduction

Most dragons rarely think about accounting. But you've worked hard to acquire that hoard of gold and jewels--shouldn't you be keeping track of what happens to it? Just sitting on it isn't good enough any more. That's why you need accounting. Here are some tips:

Tip One: A Copper Saved Is a Copper Earned

Your hoard isn't just valuable to you; it's valuable to thieves. Once word gets out that you're sitting on a big pile of treasure, it isn't long before they come skulking about, their greedy hands trying to snatch the things you've gained through honest plunder.

Dragons may have the reputation of knowing every single item in their hoard, down to the last copper, but the fact of the matter is that only a tiny fraction of dragons can remember more than six or seven thousand individual pieces before they all start to blur together. Admit it--you really aren't sure whether you have twenty-seven ruby-encrusted platinum goblets, or only twenty-six.

But thanks to proper accounting, you can have a complete inventory of everything in your hoard. That way, if you find something is missing, you can go on a rampage across the countryside or demand a virgin as a sacrifice unless your treasure is returned.

Tip Two: Plan for Taxes

The Dragon King will always demand his share, but you need to remember it's your hoard, not the king's. There are legitimate deductions you can take to reduce the amount you pay in taxes.

For example, did you know that knight insurance can be written off as a legitimate expense? Defending yourself against the pests in plate-mail is something that happens in the ordinary course of business. A good knight insurance policy will cover not only dents in your scales and arrows through your wings, but also full reimbursement for any treasure you have to give out to make the knight go away.

Many dragons forget that alternative forms of income, such as virgin sacrifices, are also taxable, and they get a nasty surprise when the tax bill arrives. Plan to set aside some treasure to cover the extra taxes.

Tip Three: Keep Good Records

In case of a tax audit, you need to have good records. But that's not the only reason.

Imagine the following scenario. You swoop down out of the sky onto some innocent village. Your teeth and talons are sharpened. Your breath is smoky fresh. But before you can rend flesh from bone and set the buildings ablaze, some village elder comes out with documentation showing they sacrificed a virgin to you earlier in the year. It's enough to make you slink away with your tail dragging in the mud.

You can avoid such embarrassment by recording all of your income, including sacrificial virgins. Note down the amount, the source, and the date.

Good recordkeeping also allows you to be more proactive. For example, you may notice that a particular village is late in offering a sacrifice. Then it's your choice whether to demand an immediate sacrifice or go wreak havoc on the village.

Tip Four: Hire a Good Accountant

Maybe you're just too busy. Or maybe you're bad at math. For whatever reason, you may decide to hire an accountant rather than do the work yourself. Generally, you have two options when it comes to hiring an accountant.

A good dragon accountant can be expensive, although he usually pays for himself through tax savings.

For the more cost-conscious dragon, a smarter choice is to find a human accountant who will gladly do all your accounting without charging you a single copper, simply in return for not being eaten. Over the long term, the savings can really add up.

That's the end, I said after I finished reading the brochure. The echo of my voice faded away inside the cave.

I'd never realized the advantages, said the dragon. Its black tongue flickered out to moisten its scaly lips. After I eat you, I'll have to find myself an accountant.

I cleared my throat. By sheer coincidence, I said, it turns out that I'm an accountant. That's why I just happened to have that brochure with me.

An accountant? The gold and jewels of the dragon's hoard sparkled as he snorted flame. The village elders claimed you were a virgin!

Strange as it may seem, I said, the two are not mutually exclusive.

Oh, said the dragon. Well, then, I suppose you'll do. You'll work for not being eaten?

I would find that quite satisfactory, I said. Plus, there's a substantial tax benefit to you, because an uneaten virgin sacrifice doesn't count as income. Now, let's review your financial situation. I'll need to see your tax returns for the past three years, your current knight insurance policy . . .

But I don't have a knight insurance policy, said the dragon.

Really? You're in luck. With a broad smile, I reached into my pocket. I just happen to have a brochure called Insurance for Dragons.

If Looks Could Kill, It Would Have Been Us Instead of Him

By Garrett Cook

Kill shot gets the pearl kill shot gets the pearl kill shot gets the pearl kill shot gets the today it's going to be kill shot gets the pearl

Tyler did not have anything else in his head for more or less the duration of the shift. The other guys might have been every bit as single-minded and they might have had just as much need for the pearl but this mattered little to a man with a woman like Joanna at home and no real aptitude save for spotting far away objects and killing them. Given the chance to go home with the pearl, he could think of nothing else.

The sky was grey and threatened rain, big rain perhaps, buckets, boatloads, puddles that promised canals. The sky of late had been good at keeping promises. The sky, though pregnant with dreams of drowning, was clear of any targets, not even so much as a seagull for some young swinging hardon to blow out of the sky just to kill his boredom. The sky was vacant and ominous and good for nobody but maybe this was an omen. Maybe this was their way of saying they were on their way.

One lucky shot and he could leave this work forever, like Guerrero. Kill shot gets the pearl and the pearl gets you free. He watched the nothing, the threatening grey and in those shifting clouds, he saw nothing more than the promise of freedom from war and work and want.

Not today, said Masha, popping her gum, you should go home. See your lady.

He looked her in her one good eye, all severity and judgment.

Fuck you, I know what you're doing.

She flipped him off.

Fuck you right the fuck back. Nothing to gain from being up here another two hours.

It's mine. You won't psych me out of it.

The Russian shrugged square, strong shoulders.

Suit yourself.

We will not give up on them, said Heaven.

Without blame.

The young dragon held this deep. This was important, more important than anything. He took pride in resplendent golden scales and whiskers that extended long behind him. He took pride in the bright, shining pearl in his mouth but most of all, he took pride in the place that he had been given and the tasks set out before him. The dragons of the sky were limitless in compassion and limitless in the lengths they went to serve and proliferate compassion. The superior beast does not judge or place judgment above need.

The young dragon had heard others of its kind rumble their disdain for man's mistakes and had heard them say that the duties of Heaven were not for this world any longer. He had heard their doubts and nearly let them stoke his own but could not. These were not the actions of a superior beast and this did not acknowledge that to the superior man or beast, lesser men and beasts were without blame, always without blame.

Like all who would first embark on sacred tasks or duties that could end in bloodshed, the young dragon was of course afraid as it descended from Heaven and prepared to go forth and calm the waters but in its fiery jewel of a heart, it held more deeply that he was not to give up on mankind as the lesser dragons whispered that they should. The world below was teeming with the sounds of sobs and sighs and gunfire, the sounds of suffering.

It is one thing to think mankind is without blame without knowing mankind, it is another to listen to them and think such a thing. In the sounds of war and despair and loss, it understood the protestations of the dragons below and the desire to abandon them altogether to stay in the heavens.

The rain came down hard and promised no respite from rain.

The rain came down and said it wouldn't forget and couldn't forgive.

The rain spoke to the river and said now is your chance. The water could take back the life that had so defiantly crawled from its arms and proceeded to take instead from the land. The river was angry and lonely and ravenous for souls. It listened to the rain, took it in and reached cold, grasping tendrils onto the land and up into foundations and into homes. They had dared to assume they'd made peace. That could not be. Joanna asked that God make sure he came home. The Chinese had sent their most ferocious demons. She asked that he spare her the waters rising and threatening conquest. She asked what she had done wrong so that she might atone. There was nothing she would not do to atone. She needed His protection from the rain the Chinese demons brought and she needed her man to come home safe and sound. There was nothing she wouldn't do to atone but there was nothing she could do as well. Nothing listened but the water.

Cunt, it hissed, you give me no credit. I give you a chance to beg and you talk to your God instead. No God makes floods. The flood is God unto itself, you callow bitch.

She prayed and cried as it seeped into the basement. She'd had her chance. The river listened no longer.

You're not a good enough shot. You should be grateful just to have this job, said Skunk, yawning and stretching, every asshole on the wall thinks he's bringing home a pearl. Won't be you.

The old man was psyching Tyler out like Masha. He saw in the clouds a chance to get out of town and make everyone proud of him and to feel like someone for the first time since leaving the service. He had been a shitty line cook, then a poor cashier and now was back to being a pretty good sniper who could be known as a great sniper. He would be the one everyone on the wall envied and talked about come the following Monday.

Fuck you, old man, you just want me to lose focus.

Skunk shook his head.

No, I want you to understand that these is the end times. There's a great flood comin' and we ain't gonna stop it. The rain will come, dragons or none. And when it does, what we do here won't be worth shit. You come to the wall lookin' for fortune. None to be had.

The Chinese sent dragons. The dragons sent rain, which was coming down fierce now. The men on the wall stopped the dragons who would surely come with the rain. The men on the wall stopped the rain. The rain would stop and the pearl would fix his life. The thought that his fiancée was at home as the rains came down tried to