Sometimes trauma responses don't improve with exposure, insight, therapy techniques, or trying harder.

For years I approached conflict believing I had to perform self-advocacy in the moment, and do it well, or I was failing. Instead, I often froze, caught between trying to respond in a way that met bystander approval, and the pressure to change the bully's behavior by effectively shutting them down. Sometimes I was so frozen, though, I couldn't even remember to breathe, no matter how many times I'd been told that would help.

Then a thought appeared:
What if I never stand up for myself?

It was a terrifying idea that I might always stand there silent. I might never respond in a way that others find acceptable. I may find the words to get the aggressor to stop.

In that moment I made a different decision. If the freeze response might never disappear, then I would have to accept it.

Instead of trying to override my nervous system, I began removing the layers of self-blame through self-compassion. Little by little, the pressure eased. And without the demand to perform during a trauma response, I had more room for clarity and strategy to appear.

This book isn't about curing a freeze response or mastering conflict. It's about learning to navigate confrontation without waiting for the trauma to heal first.

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