STORY

A loose-cannon Catholic priest barnstorms his way across the Middle East - bent on revenge for every slight against him. Things get heavy when he mixes it up with Islamic holy men that are looking for somebody to behead - like, for instance, a boorish American cleric named Cleveland Pike. The outcome is not some kind of metaphor for the Modern Crusades. Not even close...

It's true that big historical stuff gets in the way of all the petty agendas in the story, but not to worry - petty agendas will win out. In one zany springtime, Clee Pike headlines an ensemble cast of misfits from Mississippi to Morocco and beyond, including the rumored site of the Garden of Eden - a landfill in the Arabian Gulf. From the mega datelines of the ancient and the modern world comes an absurd comedy that is not, as they say, ripped from the headlines.

A Saudi businessman collects Cadillacs, then has the bad habit of running them aground - almost as if they were ships. A Turkish government official believes that he will be as big as Elvis, so he is ready for his moment when the TV cameras point his way during an international crisis. Oh, also, there is the obligatory love story that has a Persian exile going against politics in his quest to marry an Arabian princess.

The Mideast tosses up Armageddon as a backdrop - like the Mediterranean decor in a Lebanese restaurant. But the really important business is everybody's insane hobby, like whether professional wrestling is real or not and whether you can run a chauffeur service for Scandinavian flight attendants under the radar of the religious police. The Middle Eastern Service Station only pumps one grade of gasoline: premium ridiculous.

CHARACTERS

The soul of the story is ambition. Everybody behaves badly, including an American Catholic priest and two holy men in the Islamic world - one from North Africa and the other from the Arabian Peninsula.

Ambition goes hand in hand with revenge: 1) Go for the biggest prize; 2) Get even with anyone who gets in the way.

That pretty much describes the world of the high-rollers who run their game in The Middle Eastern Service Station. The main character is Cleveland Pike, originally from Atlanta, Georgia. He's got some idea about the Modern Crusades, with him leading the charge of conquest.

Then there's a holy man from Morocco who believes that he is the anointed messiah of Islam. His quest moves across North Africa, Mecca the final destination. He's on a collision course with those who also have large ideas.

The second holy man is in Jeddah, where he and Cleveland Pike get involved in a road-rage incident. Their revenge plot only escalates from there. And you are right to suspect that when the stakes are high, ruthless characters play for keeps.

LOCATION

The Middle Eastern Service Station pumps what they used to call ethyl, the best of the gasoline ratings. In fact, you can count on top-notch gas mileage on the road to Armageddon! So gas up - it won't cost you but a quarter a gallon or so. Don't even bother with regular - this is high-octane stuff.

Armies move across the background. The characters up front tell you their tales of insanity. They aren't paying that much attention to the armies in the background because their main concern is tracking down illegal vodka, getting a State Department assignment to Paris, betting on the horses, avenging Gladys Knight and the Pips - the list goes on.

They tell you their stories in little bits, the pieces of an alternative history. Here is a 1987 that no one remembers. At least the geography is right.

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